A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.
 
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly..

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom......

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

just something for a good laugh, thinking of it I hope they arnt flying while im on the plane to Tasmania lol. can be found here

so funny

so fun no!

A young blonde woman was driving through south Louisiana while on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. 
 
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!" 
 
The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?" 
 
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. 
 
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up. 
 
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration, "CRAP! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!

Once in a lifetime you meet someone and you fall so deeply in love that you are convinced that you were lovers in a prior incarnation.

After two weeks together you realize why you haven't kept in touch for 2,000 years.

No!

A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.. He gives the
young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the
boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy
has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.. The boy
coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the
father is panicking, shouting for help. 



A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue
business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and
sipping a cup of coffee.. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up,
puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on
the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across
the restaurant. 



Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of
the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first
and then ever so firmly... After a few seconds the boy convulses
violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches
in her free hand. 



Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father
and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word. 



As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the
father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've
never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are
you a doctor?



'No,' the woman replied. I'm with the I.R.S..'

That is what I said.

No!

How about "I like to reminisce with people i dont know"  or "why do people drive on a parkway and park in a driveway"

Sometimes I...No, I don't.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don't get it...

'Way' means 'road'. So a driveway is a road that you drive on, typically either to the street or your garage. A parkway is a road through or to a park. Usually parkways are landscaped. Whatever both are ways So I can drive upon.

If I can park on a park-way why I can't park on a drive-way. Both are ways- ways to park, ways to drive. Driveways were initially much longer, leading from the road back to the main house on the property. So initially people really did drive on them. Now, we are in lack of ways.

Thats why both look similar now.

BTW, are you sure you are not among 'people'

     Subject: Mexican Oysters
>
>
>         Mexican  Oysters
>
>         A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following
> a day roaming around in Mexico .
>
>         While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling,
> scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.
> Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
>
>         He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just
> served?'
>
>         The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have
> excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro,
> bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A
> delicacy!'
>
>         The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an
> order.'
>
>         The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There
> is only one serving per day because there is only one bull
> fight each morning. If you come early and place your order,
> we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'
>
>         The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his
> order, and that evening was served the one and only special
> delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his
> platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are
> delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I
> saw you serve yesterday.'
>
>         The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,
> 'Si, Senor.
>
>         Sometimes the bull wins.

     The well to do man walked into the bar and met an incredibly gorgeoua woman. Long blonde hair to her waist, big blue eyes and a nice tight round butt. He bought her a drink. She smiled. He asked her if she'd go home with him. She smiled again and said sure. They left the and returned to his house just around the corner.  

     Once inside he fixed her a drink thinking he'd get her a little more woozy and the night would be his. After a few of those they started neckin' and gropin' and stuff. Abruptly the woman calls a halt saying it's too hot in here. The man says fine and she starts to strip. Off comes the blonde wig revealing a bald head. Off comes the blouse. Off comes the bra and the pads inside that made her boobs bigger than what they was. Off come the pants nad she peels off the pads that make her butt round and tight. All this she tosses on the couch. The man looks up at her and says.

                      "Hell...I'd rather screw the couch" 

this one made me thow up a little in my mouth...but there isn't a thread for that, and someone here might find this funny...

http://www.breitbart.tv/jib-jab-debuts-hes-barack-obama-mega-anthem/

   Installing A Husband

      Dear Tech Support,

      Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flowers and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

      In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

      (and NASCAR 500.0)

      Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

      What can I do?

      Signed, Desperate
      -------------------------------------

      Dear Desperate:

      First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'I Thought You Loved Me.exe' and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5 .

      But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

      Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system
      resources).

      Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 .

      In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

      Good Luck,

The school holidays were over and the kids were quietly sat at their desks when the school ma'am asked them what they had done during the vacation.  Little Marie said that she had been to the beach and saw shells, seaweed and dolphins... little Jeffrey said that he had been to work with his father at the investment bank and saw lots of cheating and lying going on... and little susie said that she had spent time in her mother's kitchen cooking all manner of cakes, tarts and cookies.

It then came time for little Johnny to give his account and the shool ma'am was reluctant to ask because Little Johnny had a penchant for using rather colourful and lewd language.  However, it was a new year and little Johnny may have matured... outgown his use of cuss words so as to shock everyone.

"Well," says little Johnny: "I went to grandpa's farm and saw lots of pigs, chickens, sheep and fuckers!"

"Now now, little Johnny," says the school ma'am: "That is not nice language to be using in the classroom."

"Oh, it's okay, miss," quips little Johnny: "Grandpa called 'em heifers, but I knew what he meant."

Off to Vegas

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed. 

'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man. 

'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free! 

'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand. 

'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife. 

The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!'

 Healthy Level of Insanity

How To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. On all your cheque stubs, write 'For Marijuana'.

3. Skip down the street rather than walk and see how many looks you get.

4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

5. Sing along at the Opera.

6. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream 'I Won! I Won!'

7. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the car park, yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

8. Tell your children over dinner, 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

9. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

Hospital Patient

A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old laday in her weak voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."

The old lady said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!"

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit."

A salesman rings the door bell and Little Johnny answers.

Salesman: "Can I see your dad?"

Johnny: "No, he's in the shower."

Salesman: "What about your mother? Can I see her?"

Johnny: "Nope. She's in the shower, too."

Salesman: "Do you think they'll be out soon?"

Johnny: "Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead."

A truck driver was driving along the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."