2008 Phrases You Needed To Know

* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.


* SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.


* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.


* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.


* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.


* ASSMOSIS.
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.


* SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get
screwed and die.


* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.


* PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)


* SITCOMs.
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".


* SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.


* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.


* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.


* ADMINISPHERE.
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" ? needless paperwork and processes.


* GOING FOR A McSHIT.
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.


* 404.
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found" meaning that the requested document could not be located.

* AUSSIE KISS.
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.


* OH - NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just me a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').


* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.


* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.


* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.


* MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!".


* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.


* MYSTERY TAXI.
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10 Pinter in your bed instead.


* BEER COAT.
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3:00am.


* BEER COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.


* BREAKING THE SEAL.
Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.


* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.


* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.

Top 10 Best Out-Of-Office Email Replies

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.


2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I were in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.


3. Sorry to have missed you, but I am at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.


4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.


5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.


6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.)


7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.


8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.


9. I've run away to join a different circus.


10. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Lucille' instead of Steve.

What musical chord do you hear when a huge rock falls down a mineshaft?

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wait for it...

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A flat miner

While I'm here.... Skinhit is better looking than you, Po` 

Now that oughta keep you laughing 'til the cows come home... if you have any

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If not, you're gonna be laughing for a very long time.

Here's a bit of fun for you Po: http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/sleep/sheep/reaction_version5.swf

Fun game. I scored "Rabies infected bat".

*note to self...move Starkers further up the List

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.


I have two female parrots,


But they only know how to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest inquired.

They say,

'Hi, we're hookers!

Do you want to have some fun?'

That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment.
'You know,' he said,

'I may have a solution to your problem.

I have two male talking parrots,

Which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house,

And we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,

And your parrots are sure to stop saying . .

That phrase . . In no time.'

Thank you,' the woman responded,
'this may very well be the solution.'


The next day,

She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in,

She saw that his two male parrots
Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed,
She walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes,

The female parrots cried out in unison:

Hi, we're hookers!

Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence..

Shocked,

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot

And exclaimed,

'Put the beads away, Frank.

Our prayers have been answered!'

lmao

That's gonna be my new line. That was freakin funny!

Now why am I surprised?

Oh that's right... I thought that I was already well up 'the list'.... if not already at the top.

It's great to see you, Po`

Pat and Mick got jobs in a timber mill.   After 3 weeks there Pat cut his hand off,   Mick pick up the hand,  drops it into a plastic bag,   and takes it and Pat to the hospital,   The team in the operating theatre work 16 hours sewing Pat's hand back on.

three weeks later Pat is back playing cards.   Mick said to the surgeon,  "what a great job you did,  and he's back to normal so soon"   the surgeon said "Your friend has a remarkable recovery rate,  the fastest I have ever seen"

Two weeks later Pat cut of his foot,   Mick gets the foot and Pat and off to the hoispital again,  three weeks later Patrick is playng football,  Pat Mick and the Surgeon are interviewed on TV "  Yes,  the Theatre team and I worked hard on this patien't,  but the real accolade is his,   he has a remarkable recovery rate.

A month later Pat cuts off his head,   Same thing,  head in the plastic bag,  down to the hospital.  surgeon sets up the theatre and team.  Mick phones later  "Hello surgeon,  how is Pat"  "Sorry Mick,   Pat is dead"   "you said that because of his rapid recovery rate you could fix it"  "Yes,  but some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and smothered him"

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them. 

First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I aint' givin' him any of mine." 

Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS." Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I'm keeping all MY cows." 

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another- Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point. 

First Bull: "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend.

" Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of. I'll stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument." 

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting. First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it." 

Third Bull: "Hell, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"

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1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They're moody.
9. They leave hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.

Conclusion: They're tiny women in fur coats.

Sunburn Remedy 


A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. 

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. 

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra 
do for him, Doctor'? 

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs'

On the subject of bulls: there was an old bull and a young bull at the top of a hill, and the young bull decides that he's in the mood for a bit...

"What d'ya reckon," says the young bull: " to us running on down there to the pasture and getting us a couple of them heifers?"

The old bull is unimpressed with the young bull's exuberance and says: "What say we just mosey on down there real casual like and get into all of 'em?"

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was obviously delighted to be pressed tight against a gorgeous blonde. 
As the elevator stopped at the ground floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, "That will teach you to grab!" 
Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway through the lobby when he choked out, "I didn't touch that woman." 
"Of course you didn't," said Mrs. Wilson. "I did!"

Reminds me of when I was out with my first wife looking for baby clothes for my son (now 32)

Hehe... true story from my 'cheeky bugger' days.!

Yeah, there we were looking at baby clothes when this woman in a skimpy top had one of her boobs fall out when she leaned over to take a closer look at something.

Me, being the gentleman and wishing to reduce her embarrassment, quickly pulled her top out and gently popped the offending boob back inside, with a: "There you go... so nobody else sees it."

Yup, I got my face slapped orright... the missus of the day didn't appreciate my handling of the situati.... woman's boob. 

FLIGHT CONVERSATION WITH A KID

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff- grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

lmao

You could adjust that and put it at the top of the forum page.....

'Do you really feel qualified to discuss skinning  (or software, websites, moderation, rating, artistic ability, etc,)  when you don't know shit?'

Maybe it would make some folks stop and think before they post.

Yeah, I do....I work for the Government. 

Hey, Ed...here ya go!

Thanks Doc, I finally found my place in life.

One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'.. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt! '

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' h e said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'

She replied, 'It's not talcum powder; it's Miracle Grow'

Nope...MY place...and coz I likes ya, you be invited!

Can I have a can of that?

Being a huge Elvis fan , a pretty, young woman strolled into a tattoo parlor and announced that she wanted a picture of Elvis tattooed on her thigh. The artist asked her to sit and proceeded to comply with the request.

Upon completion, she looked down at the new tattoo and exclaimed, ''That doesn't look a thing like Elvis!'' She then stormed out of the room.

Down the street, she spied another tattoo parlor and walked in with the same request, on her other thigh.
The artist there got the same response, ''that doesn't look a thing like Elvis either!'' ...and she strormed out of that parlor as well.

Lying along side the sidewalk was an old drunk still bleary-eyed from the night before's consumption. She walked over to him prodding him with her foot.
''Does this look a thing like Elvis to you?'' she demanded, hiking her skirt.
The old drunk stared a moment and said, ''Lady, I ain't gotta clue about the twins there, but the fellow in the middle is a dead ringer for Willie Nelson.''