I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. "Well, there's so much to live for!" "Like what?" "Well... are you religious?" He said yes. I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" "Christian." "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant ? "Protestant." "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" "Baptist" "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" "Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?" "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.

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Two old ladies are in a restaurant. One complains, "You know, the food here is just terrible." The other shakes her head and adds, "And such small portions." (Woody Allen)

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I was coming back from Canada, driving through Customs, and the guy asked "Do you have any firearms with you?" I said: "What do you need?' (Steven Wright)

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The guy who shot Robert Kennedy, Sirhan Sirhan, goes up for parole every year. Once he even told the parole board that if Kennedy was alive today, he would speak in his favor and say let him go. What a tough break, you know? The one guy who would have supported him, and he shot him. (Paula Poundstone)

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I went to a restaurant with a sign that said they served breakfast at any time. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. (Steven Wright)

Yeah!  I really wish he'd at least change the colours.

[Naughty Alert]

Q: Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?

A: Because she has a frog in her throat at 69!

[/Naughty Alert]

Messiah,

You think anyones's going to swallow that joke?  Now here's one about a president a cigar and a blue dress.........sorry I'm kind of spotty about the blue dress.

Gawd Ammighty! What a pair of nuts!

I'm sorry, were you speaking to me...

* sigh.... looks like it's beginning...

A young English lad meets up with an Italian immigrant girl and, despite a slight language barrier, they exchange names and hit it off famously together: "My name is Fuccerarda and my mother and father will both be at work for hours in the bakery, so would you like to come back to my place for afternoon tea?"

"Yes, I would like that very much", said the young English lad: "and my name's Tommy, by the way."

Well after some tea and pastries one thing led to another and they decided to retire to her bedroom for a bit of hanky panky and some slap and tickle.  They helped eachother undress and got stuck straight into the business... kissing, touching and caressing eachother as they made wild passionate love.  All was going exceedingly well for the pair... that is until her mother returned home from work early and heard erotic noises coming from her daughter's bedroom.  She burst into the room, was horrified at what she saw her daughter doing and abruptly shrieked: "FUCCERARDA!!!"

To which Tommy retorts: "Come on missus, I'm doin' me bleedin' best."

I think he meant the spelling of his 'nick'.

What's wrong with it?

Must be his old eyes...( )  You zubazed it.

mesiah should be messiah

All in good fun old man, all in good fun.   (You get that package yet)

Look at original #104.  What's wrong with it?  Darn apes can't speel.

No not yet my friend.

Nice edit dE.

A man walks into a bar and can't help but notice a jar filled with what must be at least $1,000. He asks the bartender what this is for, and he replies "There is a challenge that we have at this bar, it's ten bucks to try, and whoever can complete the challenge gets what is in the jar. No one has completed the challenge yet."

The man asks what the challenge is, and the bartender tells him "First, you have to drink a bottle of the hottest hot sauce in the world. Then, you have to remove a sore tooth from a vicious pitbull, and lastly, you have to give a 90 year old woman an orgasm."

The man refuses to try, but after a few drinks changes his mind. With tears running down his face, he manages to drink the hot sauce. After that, he goes out into the back where the pit bull is. All that can be heard is the man moaning, and the dog making a strange crying sound. After two hours, the man staggers back in and says "Where is that 90 year old with the sore tooth?&

One night two drunks were wandering the town trying to get drinks, but between the two of them, they only had a dollar and change. So the first drunk says, "Hey, I've got an idea - we put our money together and buy a hot dog."

The second drunk, looking at him puzzled, says, "What the hell? I don't want a hot dog; I want a goddamn drink!"

The first says, "I know. We buy the hot dog, stick it down the front of my pants, go into a bar and order our drinks. When the bartender tells us the price, you drop to your knees and suck the hot dog like you're sucking my dick - and the bartender will throw us out and we won't have to pay for anything!"

The second drunk says, "Well, it sounds like a good enough idea to me."

So they buy the hot dog and the first drunk sticks it down his pants. They go into a bar, order two whiskeys, and when the bartender tells them the price, the second drunk drops to his knees and sucks on the hot dog. The bartender throws them out and tells them not to come back.

The drunks go on to hit 19 bars. Finally, the second drunk says, "We've got to switch places 'cause my knees hurt from dropping to the floor."

The first drunk says, "You think that's bad? I lost the hot dog in the third bar!"

How Cool Were You In High School?
>
>
>   This is a pretty cool test, check it  out.
>
>
>   This test is based  on how cool you were in High
> School--what
>   crowd you ran with, etc., it's  pretty accurate.
>
>
>   You may  want to send it to your friends to see if
> they've
>   changed.
>
>
>   LET'S SEE IF  YOU ARE A COOL PERSON:  http://www.sailinganarchy.com/general/2002/cool_test.htm
>

LMAO!!! Ed, that was TOO funny, and I needed that

I refuse to take that test on the grounds that it may incriminate me.

It was all over for me in 6th grade when my biology teacher said I looked like John Denver. Then my mother had to go and date my 7th grade algebra teachers ex-husband. In 9th grade I learned the principal graduated from the same class as my mom.  I never stould a chance.

Po, I'm gonna take it again just for another hearty laugh

Ahhh......How I do miss the South. 

(psssst....your wife see that yet, Po'?.......Po'?..........................................Po'?!?!?!?)

MY PRIVATE PART DIED

 An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked him if there was anything wrong. "Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Wallace. "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."  

 Knowing her patients were a little forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please accept my condolences."

 The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his pajamas. He met Nurse Tracy. "Mr. Wallace," she said, "you shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."

"But, Nurse Tracy I can't," replied Mr. Wallace. "I told you yesterday that my Private Part died."


"Yes," said Nurse Tracy, "you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"
 

"Well," he replied, "Today is the viewing."

lol Good one!!!