A guy walks into a bar with an enormous frog on his head and asks for a beer.  The barkeep serves him and goes on about his business for a while, but can't contain his curiosity and asks: "Look, bud, I couldn't help but notice you have a frog on your head and I'm curious as to how it got there?"

There was a few moments silence and then the frog relies: "To cut a long story short, it started as a wart on my ass."

  lol nice one starkers

Hey Po now I don't want ya to burst a vessel, but I have come up with away that you can strech  your nemisis too extreme

Crikey!!! that's stretching thing's a bit

I can't get these liquify pics to upload Shuanna.  Have you had trouble and how did you fix?

i use imageshack     look at reply 135 this is how ,Taislgirl told me to do it and so far I have not had any trouble with it

Only in America .....

do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their

prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America .....

do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in America .....

do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America .....

do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America ......

do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America .....

do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER ...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds amazing.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I had to stop driving my car for a while . . . the tires got dizzy.

My neighbor has a circular driveway . . . he can't get out.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving . . . every half mile. We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip . . . I don't remember what it was.

I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles." That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long . . . "

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it [moves it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly] and says, "Here, you can go."

The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back the entire area was missing.

Why do Walruses go to Tupperware parties?

To find a tight Seal.

Interspecies breeding........you should be ashamed.

I should be...but I'm not.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?

Terrorists have sympathizers.

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Two tigers were walking, single-file, through the jungle. The second moved up behind the first and suddenly licked the first one's ass. The first one, startled, turned around and said, "Hey!" They went a little farther, and the second tiger licked the first one's ass once more. This time, the first one was pissed and he hauled off and batted the second, saying, "Now, knock it off!" Well, they hadn't gone too far, when the second tiger couldn't resist any longer. He went up and gave the first tiger's ass a giant slurp. The first tiger spun around and decked him. "What's wrong with you?!" The other tiger said, "Really sorry, but I just ate a lawyer, and I was trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"

Yesterday I was buying 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at Wal-Mart, for my dogs Winston, Chief, Gus, and Maximus. I was about to check out when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think, that I had an elephant? 
 
Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time. On the bright
side though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body and IVs in both  arms. 

 
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way  that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one  or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally  complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my story by now.)  
 
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food  had poisoned me. I told her no; I had stopped in the middle of the parking  lot to lick my butt and a car hit me.  
 

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!  
 
WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.

 Brilliant, DP!!!!

I got a teenage daughter and a menopausal wife. One's getting breasts, one's getting whiskers. My life is over.

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My uncle is in a coma - he's living the dream.

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I got a fortune cookie today. It said I should invest in something fun on four wheels. I don't know if that meant I should get a new car, or a prostitute on one roller skate.

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Gasoline prices are highest in Hawaii, closing in on $4 a gallon. President Bush said, "See, I told you it wasn't only in our country!"

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I just got engaged. My fiancee won't take my name because "Lisa Levin" sounds awful. So she's just going to remain Lisa Hitler. I understand - it's a family name.

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A couple is married for 47 years and the woman dies. At the funeral, the pallbearers swing the coffin, which hits a wall. From inside the coffin, the woman yells, "Oh, my God!" She lived another four years. She dies again. The pallbearers are swinging the coffin. The husband yells, "Watch out for the wall!"

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I have a friend that's so dumb......."HOW DUMB IS HE"......he's so dumb, he thinks a 'Graphic Artist' is the guy who draws the white line around the dead bodies...............Ba dum bum!

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.  

Every guy knows about those 'special days'....here's a practical safety guide:

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's my paycheck.
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Have some more chocolate.

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?' 

"In fact, I do" said the old man. "After I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty." 
 
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical 
concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. 

The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and
chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?' 

"Oh that crazy old fart", she replied.

"That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August."

Due  to the climate of political correctness now pervading 
> America  ,  
> 
> Kentuckians,  Tennesseans and West  Virginians will no
> longer be referred to  
> as'HILLBILLIES.'   
> 
> You  must now refer to them as  
> 
> APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .   
> And  furthermore  
> 
> HOW  TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:   
> 
> 1.  She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She
> is a
> ' BREASTED  AMERICAN.'   
> 
> 2.  She is not 'EASY' - She is  
> 
> 'HORIZONTALLY  ACCESSIBLE.'   
> 
> 3.  She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a   
> 
> 'LIGHT-HAIRED  DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION
> SUPERHIGHWAY.'   
> 
> 4.  She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a   
> 
> 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED  COMPANION.'   
> 
> 5.  She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes   
> 
> ' VERBALLY  REPETITIVE.'   
> 
> 6.  She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a   
> 
> ' LOW  COST PROVIDER.'   
> 
> HOW  TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND  BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:  
> 
> 1.  He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has
> developed  a   
> 'LIQUID  GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'   
> 
> 2.  He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is   
> 
> ' OVERLY  CAUCASIAN.'   
> 
> 3.  He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' -  He   
> ' INVESTIGATES  ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'   
> 
> 4.  He is not 'BALDING' - He is in   
> 'FOLLICLE  REGRESSION.'   
> 
> 5.  He does not act like a 'TOTAL  ASS' - He
> develops a case  of   
> RECTAL-CRANIAL  INVERSION.'   
> (Loved  this one!)   
> 
> 6.  It's not his 'CRACK' you  see hanging out
> of his pants - It's   
> 'REAR  CLEAVAGE.'   

When i open my eyes every morning i pray to God that everyone should have a friend like you.... Why should only i suffer!!!
One day Santas Girlfriend asks him, Darling, om our Engagement will you give me a RING?Santa:Ya sure, Give me ur Telephone No.

When I was born Devil said...Oh Shit!!! Another GOD!!!..& When u were born devil said ...Oh Shit!!!!Competition...!!! ....

Fill in the blank...Im ur .....friend- 1)-Cute 2)-Sweet 3)-Best of all Reply is a must...

Do U know the fullform of COLLEGE- C-Come,O-On,L-Lets, L-Love, E-Each,G-Girl,E-Equally......Thats why boys go to college regularly....

Who said english is easy???Fill in the blank with YES or No... 1.-----I dont have brain... 2.-----I dont have sence... 3.-----I am stupid....

If ur world is spining Round & Round..& Round....Ur heart is beating fast ,do u think its LOVE? no kid no its called high B/P...

Merry Christmas, Enjoy New Year, Happy Easter, Good luck on Valentines, Spooky Halloween & Happy Birthday Now bug off and don't annoy me for the next 12 months!!!!

what happend 2 ur mobile? i was trying 2 call u but i got this msg: welcome 2 D jungle network,D monkey u r tring 2 call is on tree plz try later.

First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering

Last night I lay in my bed looking at the beautiful stars, the moon and the sky...then i thought where is my roof

If your a Vegetarian to be nice to animals, why are you eating there food

I'm a killer, i kill people for money, but you are my friend I KILL YOU FOR FREE!!!!!!

"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her." Sacha Guitry.

"There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that." Steve Martin.

"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife." Groucho Marx

"In married life three is company and two none." Oscar Wilde

"It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't." Spike Milligan

"My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher." Socrates.

"The General was essentially a man of peace, except of course in his domestic affairs." Oscar Wilde

"Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage." Ambrose Bierce

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." Groucho Marx

"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe." Jimmy Durante.

"Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse." Groucho Marx

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." Henry Youngman.

"If we take matrimony at it's lowest, we regard it as a sort of friendship recognised by the police." Robert Louis Stevenson.

"If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?" Lilly Tomlin.

"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means." George Burns.

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde

"My computer dating bureau came up with a perfect gentleman. Still, I've got another three goes." Sally Poplin.

"Mom & Pop were just a couple of kids when they got married. He was eighteen, she was sixteen and I was three." Billie Holiday.

"Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them." Ogden Nash.

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close knit family in another city." George Burns.

"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her." Rodney Dangerfield.

"Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel." Leonardo Di Vinci.

"I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern." Mickey Rooney.

"A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people remembering the same thing." Duane Dewel.

"The secret of a successful marriage is not to be at home too much." Colin Chapman.

"In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker." Woody Allen

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't." Patrick Murray.

"I wouldn't be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife." Tony Curtis.

"A woman voting for divorce is like a turkey voting for Christmas." Alice Glynn.

"The appropriate age for marriage is around eighteen for girls and thirty-seven for men." Aristotle.

Doc's Questions and Answers Health Column:

Since you rely on me for your "care" Smedley, learn the following as the bill comes at the end of the month. Listening to that Sanjay Gupta guy is all well and good...but this here is the straight "dope" so to speak:

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
________________________________________



Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables . So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
________________________________________



Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
________________________________________



Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
________________________________________



Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
________________________________________



Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening....Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
________________________________________



Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
________________________________________



Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around!!
________________________________________



Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
________________________________________



Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! !
________________________________________


Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO, What a Ride!"

whats the hardest thing about being the incredible hulk?

trying to get oral sex with a green dick!!!