Starkers is so old paleo-archeologists have just unearthed the remains of six billion year old scat. DNA analysis has pinpointed the owner as one ancient Master Blaster known for his insidious barks. Recent evidence suggests it was one of these barks that caused the dinosaur extinction 65 million years ago.

Uvah is so old... he was fiddling with bits and pieces on the first day of creation, and it was his idea that God rested on the seventh day so's he could sneak around perving at Eve without god beratingly looking over his shoulder.

HG Eliminator is so old... he had a hand in eliminating the dinosaurs.

Mike b1954 is so old... the plastic surgeon doing his facelift found an Ancient Egyptian scarab in one of his nostrils.

Hawkeye666 is so old... Haley's Comet began its first orbit of the Earth the day he started kindy.

Doc is so old his RCA dog is sitting by a stone turntable powered by Luci's great grandma.

starkers is so old the big bang was an aftershock of his first bark.

HG-Eliminator is so old gladiatorial combat was still little kids playing in the sandbox.

WebGizmos is so old he drew the road map to the Garden of Eden.

RedneckDude is so old the grass hiding his still was found fossilized under 300 feet of water in the Red Sea when it was just a mud puddle.

JuniorCrooks is so old the Epic of Gilgamesh was a little diddy carved on the Lintels at Stonhenge.

Fuzzy Logic is so old he predates the universe that started this one.

RickJP is so old the UK was a dirt spit in his sandbox.

WC is so old fossilized forums were found buried in Kufu's pyramid.

Uvah is so old... he has a scar on his ass where Zeus zapped it with a bolt of lightning.

RickJP is so old... he witnessed the erection of Britain's first non-cave dwelling.

Fuzzy Logic is so old... he was site foreman.

Mike b1954 is so old... he drew up the plans

And Jafo is so old... he recommended doors and other architectural improvements.

Fuzzy Logic is so old he reverse engineered the future to make it look like yesterday.

starkers is so old Martians carved his face on a hill in effigy.

Mike b1954 is so old his nighttime was canceled out of boredom.

RickJP is so old he witnessed the first erection.

Uvah is so old... he keeps forgetting that he needs to pee at 6.00am and gets up at 8.00am.

Yup, Uvah is that old... he wound back the clock on his memory in case he needs to trade it in on a new one.

I.R. Brainiac is so old... he had thoughts on hitting on Lot's wife until she turned to a pillar of salt.

JuniorCrooks is so old... he can remember square wheel prototypes.

Mike B1954 is so old.... his initials are carved into Arthur's Round Table.

I am so old I invented the word contraversy.

Starkers is so old he helped.

I.R. Brainiac is so old he skinned it.

Mike B1954 is so old he invented trees to make the paper.

Fuzzy Logic is so old he invented the straight line.

Uvah is so old... pathologists discovered his urinary issues (inability to get a flow going) were caused by prehistoric invertebrates in his bladder.

I.R Braniac is so old.... Geneticists have recently linked his DNA directly to Neolithic Man.

DrJBHL is so old.... he recently found Paleolithic cells in his blood test.

Fuzzy Logic is so old... his hair replacement appointment with Ashley & Martin revealed that his few remaining hairs are that of Neanderthal man, and now the British Museum want to put him in an 'Early Man' exhibit.

Starkers is so old that hes one of orginial colonistists... of land.

JuniorCrooks is so old ... Rome was just an ant hill in the middle of his ant farm. 

starkers is so old ... he used a club to get his missus.

Doc is so old ... he sold elixirs to the Sultans.

I. R. Brainiac is so old ... revised DNA analysis has linked him to Luci's grand mother's lover

Fuzzy Logic is so old ... he collects rent from the devil.

he's a seasoned casinova.... 

Wizard is so old.... his glowing wand came from radiation from an encounter with aliens who came to check out the dinosaurs.....

XX is so old.... he's on record as being the first failed businessman.  Apparently, training T-Rex's to be pack horses didn't work out to well.

Uvah is so old... he is attributed as being responsible for super-continent of Pangaea splitting into two.  He sneezed his dentures into a small fissure and his search for them resulted in the continental divide.

Sydneysiders is so old... she told Casanova that ha had to perform foreplay before he got any fiveplay.

DrJBHL is so old...  he revolutionised mummification by suggesting that the pharaohs internal organs were kept separately on Canopic jars to help offset decomposition.

JuniorCrooks is so old... he took up where XX left off and tried training woolly mammoths as pack horses.

I.R. Brainiac is so old... early sketches of Knot Vista are reported to have been plastered all over the walls in the dungeons under the Parthenon.

Wizard1956 is so old... he influenced the Druids to build Stonehenge and practice pagan rituals involving nudity and flowers, making him the first hippy.

Fuzzy Logic is so old... he attended those naked pagan rituals in the hope of 'pulling a bird', but the best he ever left with was a pheasant and a couple of partridges.

Starkers is so old his barks were mistaken for the first black holes.

Fuzzy Logic is so old his first post was in Stonehenge Weekly.

sydneysiders is so old she held an auction for fire.

DrJBHL is so old he made his first stethoscope from a T-Rex tooth.

Uvah is so old... his lighting up his farts was inspiration for the Chinese to invent gunpowder.

DrJBHL is so old.... he treated Uvah for burns when one of his farts backfired.

Sydneysiders is so old.... DrJBHL blamed her for Uvah's injuries and accused her of irresponsibly selling fire-sticks to an irresponsible adult.

starkers is so old he started out as Lady Gadiva's horse. Went on to be Nero's fiddle, then Cleopatra's boy toy, Marc Antony's lover, Caligula's ex, Martha Stewart's salad bar, etc.

DrJBHL is so old he started out as Merlin's apprentice.

Wizard1956 is so old his first incantation caused the Cambrian extinction.

sydneysiders is so old she stirred his black cauldron.

Jafo is so old his first on the road business trip took him from Antarctica to Denmark in just two days ... on foot. But then again both places were part of Pangea.

Uvah is so old... he choked a prehistoric Venus Flytrap on one of his tailor made farts, after which, he barfed because he'd never seen as dead body, and that fossilised upchuck today is in the Smithsonian Institute to determined whether or not it is of human origin or that of something quite peculiar and possibly of alien beginnings.

Jafo is so old... the first dictionary he bought actually pre-dated Cuneiform and actually spelled out various prehistoric uggs, grunts and groans.

HG Eliminator is so old... he vaguely remembers moderating the Roman forums and predicting the Ides of March.

XX is so old... Hipparchus and Ptolemy drew him crude charts so he knew where the moon was.

sydneysiders is so old... historians attribute her with being the person who devised the contraption to prevent women of ancient Mykonos getting saggy breasts.  The French later claimed fame and called it the brassiere.

DrJBHL is so old... he endorsed the wearing of this contraption, but only after recommending various adjustments and wearing one himself.

Wizard1956 is so old... one wave of his wand once destined the entire island of Lesbos to lust after the same sex... and today men still have major fantasies about it.

Fuzzy Logic is so old... he spent his Summer holidays on Mykonos in the hope of realising his fantasy with a threesome.

CarGuy is so old... there's actually a record of him speeding chariots through the streets of Babylon and getting a severe warning from Hammurabi for endangering the safety of police officers on point duty.

JuniorCrooks is so old... he gave the cops sass from the passenger seat and made several rude gestures that the speed limit was only for virgins who still borrowed daddy's chariot.

Mike B1954 is so old... he was the magistrate who sentenced JuniorCrooks to community service and ordered that he watered the Hanging Gardens of Babylon for 200 hours.

RickJP is so old... he invented the watering can to make the job easier.

Xiandi is so old... she would have named her Garnet Storm WB Viking Forge instead, but didn't want to give away her age.

WOM is so old... his first moderation job was assessing cave paintings.

Hankers is so old... he auditioned for Michelangelo to see if he could appear in the mural on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel.

And WebGizmos is so old... he declined an invitation the appear in the Sistine Chapel mural because he had acne and a rash on his bottom.

Now for something completely different....

Paul McCartney is so old... he was reluctant to get into an arse kicking competition with Heather Mills until his doctor prescribed anti-inflammatories that allowed him to lift his arthritic leg.

Ringo Starr is so old... he wanted to join in but his artificial hips only allow for a 22% lift.

Eric Clapton is so old... he does finger exercises while his guitar gently weeps.

George Thorogood is so old.... he has decided to write rap music (well so-called music) and change his name to NoGood.

Cyndi Lauper is so old.... her latest single is entitled 'Decrepit Old Ladies Still Want to Have Fun'

Ozzy Osbourne is so old.... he has to put in his false teeth to bite the head off a gnat.

Alice Cooper is so old... his snake rang Social Security to inquire about the pension.

Tom Petty is so old.... he forgot and rang back to find out why "you don't come around here", anymore.

And Tom Jones is so old... he'd completely forgotten 'Why, Why Delilah' and now is content to peacefully watch out over the 'Green, Green Grass of Home'

Yeah, I know!  But having a life in this day and age on a disability is too darned expensive.

I feel so old... the use by date on some of my body parts feel like they're up for expiration... hips, knees, lower and upper spine, right shoulder and elbow, they all hurt like a friggin' bitch right now, and the only pain relief/anaesthetic I have are paracetamol tablets and a fucken big mallet.

I'm sorry to hear that Buddy. I'll go look for a remedy. Be right back.

On with the razzz.

IROKONESS is so old she showed Kahless of Klingon how to wrestle with a lightning storm.

RickJP is so old the skid marks on his britches were dated back to neolithic times.

starkers is so old his body parts lack OEM specifications.

Doc is so old he was there when the archeologists dug up Island Dog making another 'Feature Pic'.

I'm back. Hope you feel better.

When this is what you feel like ......

Take some this ... (sorry. I couldn't find a mallet)

mix it with this ......

So you can feel like this ......

Thanks, mate!   

It's something I live with on a daily basis, arthritic and back pain, but yesterday it just seemed worse than usual after I had to go down the street to grab some bits and pieces.  By the time I got home, I think the list of what didn't hurt like a bitch was much shorter than the stuff that did... so I had a moan about it to expel some of the negative energy.

Anyhow, back to work....

RickJP is so old... his orthopaedic surgeon said that a hip replacement would be difficult as working with fossilised bone required specialised tools with the ability to cut tungsten.

DrJBHL is so old... when he took the Hippocratic Oath, Hippocrates was there to hand him the certificate to hang on his wall.

CarGuy is so old... that when he came up with the idea for inflatable chariot tyres, Caesar sent him into battle to see first hand exactly how long they'd last.  After getting a couple of arrows pulled out of his ass he decided to give up on the idea.

Jafo is so old... he devised a way to prevent spelling mistakes in the pyramids.  Trouble was, rapping infringers across the knuckles with a rod left tomb chamber decorators in very short supply.

IROKONESS is so old... she discovered maple syrup and used it to sweeten rice pudding because ice cream hadn't been invented yet... nor electricity to power refrigerators.

Hankers is so old... he was her first customer, but he preferred sago to rice pudding because rice made him constipated and gave him squinted eyes from all the effort to move his bowels.

Wizard1956 is so old... his wand is actually the petrified thingwybob of a Mastadon.

Fuzzy Logic is so old.... he was the first person to be ousted from a Roman Orgy for over-indulgence.

Uvah is so old... he once proposed to Marie Antionette.  However, she declined his proposal because she feared it wouldn't be a long enough engagement for a truly successful marriage, given she had a rather pressing appointment with a man who sharpened his tool for a living.

JuniorCrooks is so old... he was one of the money lenders who got his ass beaten by Jesus for trading in the synagogue.

Mike b1954 is so old... historians now believe he was the inspiration for the Scarlett Pimpernel.  He was known as The Black Fingernail, and it is believed he acquired this name because he was a lousy carpenter and made a better dashing hero who leapt onto horse in a single bound.

XX is so old... students of extinct languages have attributed some old love letters to Cleopatra's great, great great grandmother as being from him.

sydneysiders is so old... it is now claimed she sabotaged Cleopatra and Mark Anthony's impending nuptials by lacing his food with inordinate amount of concentrated Bromide.  Despite trying several aphrodisiacs he could only rise to the challenge of a game of tiddlywinks.

Now for more of the same only different....

Jack Nicholson is so old.... he was around back in the day when cuckoos actually built nests.  Apparently they stopped in the 3rd century BC due to a lack of materials caused by the first Ice Age.

Clint Eastwood is so old... you can make his day by mushing up all his food and ensuring porridge has no lumps

Shirley McClaine is so old... back in the day she dated Poseidon and made whoopee sinking ships

Ernest Borgnine is so old... his first naval experience was as an oarsman on a Viking Galley.

Jack Lemmon is so old... his first starring role was in Greek Amphitheater playing one half of the original odd couple.

Charlton Heston was so old... he didn't need to research chariot racing for Ben Hur because he designed the Coliseum where the first races were held

Peter Ustinov is so old... he was a Bolshevik actor who hung out with Rasputin behind the Kremlin smoking medicinal tobacco.

and to continue ......

Steve Reeves was so old he patented Hercules before Zeus and Hera got together to make whoopie.

George Reeves was so old he played second fiddle to Superman when he jumped out the window thinking he could really fly so naturally George followed.

Mae West was so old she invented burlesque while babysitting Plato's great grandpa.

Starkers is so old he helped.

Fuzzy Logic is so old he struck the first coin using two rocks and a hard place.

Uvah is so old he calls the years before the rock fell and killed dinos the "good old days"