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Saturday funnies

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Saturday funnies

from WinCustomize Forums

I hope these bring a smile, I myself was laughing very hard!!!  No disrespect meant to anyone, and no one killed in the making of, either!!! :rofl:

 

The first one... :X

 A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you????????

 

The second... :waaaa:

A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate.

Interviewer: How did you get that pegleg?

Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war.

Interviewer: How did you get that hook?

Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife.

Interviewer: What about your eyepatch?

Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped in me eye.

Interviewer: And that put your eye out?

Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook.

 

And last, but not least.... :-"

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand. He says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'

To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'

And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'

He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile of sand.'

So when the foreman returns, after being away for a couple of hours, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'

The Italian replies, ' I no hava no broom You saida to the Chinese-a-fella that he was in charge of supplies, but he has a disappeared and I no could finda him nowhere.'

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'

The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left that Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him neither.'

The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells....................'SUPPLIES!!!!'

862,890 views 766 replies
Reply #576 from WinCustomize Forums Top

AND NOW - ONE FOR THE MERE MALES

 

 
Son asked his mother the following question:

'Mum, why are wedding dresses white?'    The mother looks at her son and replies:

'Son , this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.

'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'

The father looks at his son in surprise and says:

'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

Reply #577 from WinCustomize Forums Top
On the first day God created the DOG and said,

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.  
 
Sins of a Solar Empire II
Reply #578 from WinCustomize Forums Top

JACOB, aged 92 and REBECCA, aged 89, are all excited about their decision to get married.  They go for a stroll
to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore.  Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob:  "We're about to get married.  Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist:  "Of course we do."
Jacob:  "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist:  "All kinds."
Jacob:  "Medicine for rheumatism?  Scoliosis?"
Pharmacist:  "Definitely."
Jacob:  "HOW ABOUT VIAGRA."
Pharmacist:  "Of course."
Jacob:  "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"
Pharmacist:  "Yes, a large variety - the works."
Jacob:  "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for  Parkinson"s disease?"
Pharmacist:  "Absolutely."
Jacob:  "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist:  "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob says to the pharmacist :  "Well then we'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

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Reply #579 from WinCustomize Forums Top

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:  lovvem! so good to see yer back, luvvy!

 

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well, Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. "Well, Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.

Reply #580 from WinCustomize Forums Top

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: k6    I love it ...... Thanks Doc its good to be back :sun:

Reply #581 from WinCustomize Forums Top

 

 
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into action.. as it gallops along at its steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but despite her best efforts, slides down the horse's flanks.

The horse continues to gallop along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup.

She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground time and time again.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune,       Frank, the Woolworth's trolley boy,     sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

Reply #582 from WinCustomize Forums Top

This is mythical and deep...  truly beautiful..  

 
 
 A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.

 He replied, "She called Five Horses".



The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.

What does it mean?"

 The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean . . .




 

 
 . . . NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG! "
Reply #585 from WinCustomize Forums Top
THREE MEN ON A HIKE 

 Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed:   'God, please give me the strength to cross the river,' Poof! - God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about  two hours, having almost drowned twice. After witnessing that, the second man prayed:   'God, please give me the strength and the tools to cross the river. Poof! - God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once. Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed.  'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river. Poof! - He was turned into a woman.  She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge!  The moral to this story is:  IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED, DO IT THE WAY YOUR WIFE TOLD YOU!

Reply #586 from WinCustomize Forums Top
IRISH PROSTITUTE 

 An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.  Upon her return, her Father cussed her.  "Where have ye been all this time?
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line?  Why didn't ye call?  Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?"
Crying, she replied, "Dad ...  ...  I became a prostitute ...  ...
"Ye what!!?  Out of here, ye shameless harlot!  Sinner!  You're a disgrace to this Catholic family."  
"OK, Dad as ye wish.  I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a 5 million pound savings
certificate.  For me little brother, this gold Rolex.  And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked
outside plus a membership to the country club ...  ... (takes a breath) ... ...  and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new
yacht in the Riviera and ... ...
"Now what was it ye said ye had become? says Dad.  Crying again, she says "A prostitute Daddy!"
"Oh! Be Jezus!  Ye scared me half to death girl, I thought ye said a Protestant!  Come here and give yer old man a hug

Reply #587 from WinCustomize Forums Top
A  woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband  stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are  you doing?"
She  asked.

"Hunting  Flies"
He responded.

"Oh!  Killing  any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.


                        
Intrigued,  she asked.
"How  can you tell them  apart?"

"He   responded,
  3 were on a beer can,
 2  were on the  phone.
Reply #588 from WinCustomize Forums Top
What would we do without Blondes???? 
The other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came 
running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy! 
I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly 
but I thought, 'what the heck' and I started 
jumping up and down along with her.
She said, "I have some really great news!"
I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy."
She stopped jumping and breathing heavily, 
from all the jumping up and down, told me 
that she was pregnant.
I knew she'd been trying for awhile so I told her, "That's great I couldn't be happier for you!"
Then she said, "There's more." 
I asked, "What do you mean there's more."
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. 
We are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
 
She said....
          
 
"Well, that was the easy part. I went to the chemist 
and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a 
TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!"
Reply #589 from WinCustomize Forums Top

The Bathtub Test

During  a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do  
you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.  

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer  a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her  to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor.  
'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

'No' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?'  


ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?
Reply #590 from WinCustomize Forums Top

A Letter To Jesse James


You Stupid Bastard! You cheated on Sandra Bullock?
How in the world can you be so stupid? You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the world.
She has a body to die for and her current wealth shadowed only by Oprah.
Your wife, recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now named "America's Sweetheart."
You also remember, she just won an Oscar and praised you up and down in front of the world while you were porking away.
You are really a piece of work! You are the most hated asshole cheater on the planet!
How can you live with yourself!
I only have one thing to say to the despicable, miserable, cheating piece of shit that you are:

Thanks for taking the heat off of me. Let's do lunch.
~Tiger

Reply #591 from WinCustomize Forums Top

 

 The Witty!

Reply #592 from WinCustomize Forums Top

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: @Doc they were great

 

 

This may not apply to all of us

 

but it will... sooner or later. 

 

LOL

 


Did you hear about the 83 year old woman who talked herself 

out of a speeding ticket by telling the young officer that she

had to get there  before she forgot where she was going?


Makes perfectly good sense to me!!!
 
 
We'll be FRIENDS until we are old and senile. 
 

Then we'll be NEW FRIENDS.

Reply #593 from WinCustomize Forums Top
I TRULY DID NOT KNOW THIS!!!!

 
LAS VEGAS CHURCHES ACCEPT GAMBLING CHIPS!!! 


THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN  LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS. 

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.  

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL OF THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN. 


THIS WORK IS DONE OF COURSE BY THE CHIP MONKS.
ba boom !swish, Zorro
Reply #594 from WinCustomize Forums Top
How To Tell If Santa Hates Your Kid 

8. Kid's letter to North Pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"

7. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes

6. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling.

5. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left is foam packing.

4. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.

3. Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the stupid list

2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown."

1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"

Reply #595 from WinCustomize Forums Top
THE IRISH PRIEST - 



         
> An Irish priest Father O'Malley was transferred to Queensland Catholic
> Church and one morning he
> rose from his bed on a fine spring day in his new parish.
>
> He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the
> beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a donkey lying dead in the
> middle of his front lawn.
>
> Not knowing who else to call, he promptly called the local police station.
>
> The conversation went like this:
>
> ''Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
>
> "And the best of the day ter yer good self. This is Father O'Malley at St.
> Francis Xavier Catholic Church. There's a donkey lying dead right in der
> middle of me front lawn "
>
> Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a
> smirk, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took
> care of the last rites!"
>
> Without missing a beat Father O'Malley replied:
>
> "Ah, 'to be sure, that is true; but we are also obliged to notify the next
> of kin."
Reply #598 from WinCustomize Forums Top
Outsmart a Woman 

Outsmart a woman?.....Are you kidding.....
A man calls home to his wife and says, Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing.. We'll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend.....

And also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic ?

We're leaving at 4:30 pm from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up..

'Oh! And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas.'

The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd, but, being the good wife,

She does exactly what her husband asked.

Following the long weekend he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, 'Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass, and a few Pike.

He said but why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?
You'll love the answer.

X

X

X

X

X

X

X

X

X

X

X

X

X



The wife replies, I did, they're in your tackle box.

Reply #599 from WinCustomize Forums Top

OOPS!!!! :rofl:

 

 A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical

description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?''

I said, 'No, why do you ask?' he replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said

(FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city

code for Fresno, Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just

putting a destination tag on his luggage.

Reply #600 from WinCustomize Forums Top

:grin: ...They must have clipped half the tab as a receipt:...... Head.  ;)