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Saturday funnies

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Saturday funnies

from WinCustomize Forums

I hope these bring a smile, I myself was laughing very hard!!!  No disrespect meant to anyone, and no one killed in the making of, either!!! :rofl:

 

The first one... :X

 A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you????????

 

The second... :waaaa:

A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate.

Interviewer: How did you get that pegleg?

Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war.

Interviewer: How did you get that hook?

Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife.

Interviewer: What about your eyepatch?

Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped in me eye.

Interviewer: And that put your eye out?

Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook.

 

And last, but not least.... :-"

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand. He says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'

To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'

And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'

He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile of sand.'

So when the foreman returns, after being away for a couple of hours, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'

The Italian replies, ' I no hava no broom You saida to the Chinese-a-fella that he was in charge of supplies, but he has a disappeared and I no could finda him nowhere.'

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'

The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left that Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him neither.'

The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells....................'SUPPLIES!!!!'

862,657 views 766 replies
Reply #626 from WinCustomize Forums Top

this is weird, I tried it and it worked

dammm its gone hmmmmmm  someone stolen it

Reply #627 from WinCustomize Forums Top

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a "genie". But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and dull gray suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works". "You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS agent."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and It
looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with
plentiful food and drink."

***POOF*** The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, kid, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF*** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF*** He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story?

If the IRS offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached!

CursorFX - Customize your Windows cursor
Reply #628 from WinCustomize Forums Top

 


AND WHO SAYS WE'RE NOT RICH!!! 








   Silver in the Hair




  
Gold in the Teeth.
 


Stones in the Kidneys


Sugar in the Blood.


Lead in the Ass.


Iron in the Arteries.


And an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.


I never thought I'd accumulate such wealth
Reply #629 from WinCustomize Forums Top

 

Today's  Inspirational Lesson
cid:1.3812622628@web53504.mail.re2.yahoo.com

Never irritate a woman who can  operate  a backhoe...




cid:2.3812622628@web53504.mail.re2.yahoo.com

Thus endeth the lesson.
 
 Women are Angels...And when someone breaks their wings...They simply continue to fly....on a broomstick...They are flexible like that...

Reply #630 from WinCustomize Forums Top

NEW  WINE!!
  
     
     I kid you  not...
a  New Wine for Seniors!!

South  Australian vintners in the Barossa Valley area,  which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir  and Pinot Grigio  wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that  acts as an anti-diuretic!
It is  expected to reduce the number of trips older  people have to make to the toilet during  the night.

The  new wine will be marketed as



PINO  MORE



I HEARD  IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE!
I just  couldn't help  it!

Reply #631 from WinCustomize Forums Top

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies.

As they stand at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter Paradise and meet their maker, God decides to grant each person one wish because of the grief they have experienced.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous, but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be.

The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again.

NEXT TIME YOU'RE LAST IN LINE...BE HAPPY!

Reply #632 from WinCustomize Forums Top

^ Typical WG humor.

Reply #633 from WinCustomize Forums Top

NEXT TIME YOU'RE LAST IN LINE...BE HAPPY!
  :rofl:

Reply #634 from WinCustomize Forums Top

:grin:

Reply #635 from WinCustomize Forums Top

^ Typical WG humor.

Yeah, it runs in his family... 'cept when it got to him it galloped. :-"

Reply #637 from WinCustomize Forums Top

Hey, my sister is in that video!!!    :D

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Reply #638 from WinCustomize Forums Top

Hey, my sister is in that video!!!

XD Now that's funny right thar! I told ya Doc! Didn't I tell ya! I told him...I said Doc...that's looks like Jim's sister...that is if Jim had a sister...that's what she'd look like I said! But he didn't believe me! See...I told ya Doc! Didn't I tell ya...XD

Yeah, it runs in his family... 'cept when it got to him it galloped.

Are you sayin I got the runs! Now that's a low blow right thar! XD

Reply #639 from WinCustomize Forums Top

Quoting RedneckDude, reply 637
Hey, my sister is in that video!!!   

LOL....Jim gets some special k. Y'all's raht funny thar bro! XD

Reply #640 from WinCustomize Forums Top

It's not a joke, but it is different to the normal bloody road safety ads.

 

Reply #641 from WinCustomize Forums Top

Ausvet...you made me cry....:'(    that thar was purdy!  <X3

Reply #642 from WinCustomize Forums Top

Ausvet...you made me cry...
  me too.  <3 ..I wish they played that here...it is more memorable than the ones they have now!!! 

Reply #643 from WinCustomize Forums Top

Yes a change in the right direction, previously these type ads were trying to be more gory than each other and they had lost their impact.

Reply #644 from WinCustomize Forums Top

Barb just sent me that vid. Well done and beautiful!  k6

Just made me think of something....

In The Book of Splendor (Sefer Zohar) (maybe The Talmud or Kabbala) it is written:

"Be very careful if you make a woman cry, because God counts her tears. The woman came out of a man's rib... Not from his feet to be walked on... Not from his head to be superior, but from the side to be equal. Under the arm to be protected, and next to the heart to be loved."

Reply #645 from WinCustomize Forums Top

Hey, my sister is in that video!!!

Along with an aunt, 6 nieces and 42 cousins. :rofl:

Ain't family affairs in da South sumthin'.... YEEEHAWWW!!!! :-"

Yeah, it runs in his family... 'cept when it got to him it galloped.

Are you sayin I got the runs! Now that's a low blow right thar!

Nah... yer family got tha runs.... you got tha trots. :D

Reply #646 from WinCustomize Forums Top

A Homeless Man's Funeral


As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Reply #647 from WinCustomize Forums Top

Moses died and went to heaven.
G-d greets him at the Pearly Gates.
'Are you hungry, Moses?' asks G-d.
'I could eat,' Moses replies.
So G-d opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread and they share it.
While partaking of this humble meal, Moses looks down into Hell and sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, briskets, pheasants, pastries and wines.  Curious but deeply trusting, he remains quiet.
The next day G-d again invites Moses to join him for a meal.
Again it's tuna and rye bread.
And, again, Moses can see those denizens of Hell enjoying salmon, champagne, lamb, truffles, and chocolates. Still he says nothing.
The following day, mealtime arrives and another can of tuna is opened.
He can't contain himself any longer. Meekly, he says: 'G-d, I am grateful to be here in heaven with You as a reward for the pious, obedient (not really) life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread, and in that 'other place' they all eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand.'
G-d sighs. 'Let's be honest,' He says. 'Does it really pay to cook for just two?'.

Reply #649 from WinCustomize Forums Top

THE VIBRATOR
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom
door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from
within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter
with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you
doing?'
The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years
old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as
I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and
leave me alone.'
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz
coming from the other side of the closed bedroom
door. Upon entering the room, he observed his
daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter
said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this
thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a
husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
A couple days later, the wife came home from a
shopping trip ,
placed the groceries on the kitchen
counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,
of all places, the living room. She entered that
area and observed her husband sitting on the couch,
downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing
like crazy.
The wife asked: 'What the f... are you doing?'
The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my
son-in-law.'
 

Reply #650 from WinCustomize Forums Top
WISDOM FROM TRAINING MANUALS
'If the enemy is in range, so are you.'
- Infantry Journal-
'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.'
- US.Air Force Manual -
'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons.'
- General Mac Arthur -
'Tracers work both ways.'
- Army Ordnance Manual-
'Five second fuses last about three seconds.'
- Infantry Journal -
'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.'
- Naval Ops Manual -
'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.'
- Unknown Infantry Recruit-
'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up to him.'
- Infantry Journal-  
'Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil.  For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.'
- Sign over SR 71 Wing Ops-
'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.'
- Paul F. Crickmore (SR 71 test pilot)-
'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
-Unknown Author-
'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.'
- Fixed Wing Pilot-
'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
-Multi-Engine Training Manual-
'Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club.'
-Unknown Author-
'If you hear me yell;"Eject, Eject, Eject!", the last two will be echoes.'
If you stop to ask "Why?", you'll be talking to yourself, because by then you'll be the pilot.'
-Pre-flight Briefing from a Canadian F104 Pilot-
'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up, .... the pilot dies.'
-Sign over Control Tower Door-
'Never trade luck for skill.'
-Author Unknown-
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are: 'Did you feel that?' 'What's that noise?' and 'Oh Shiite!'
-Authors Unknown-
'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'
-Basic Flight Training Manual-
'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.'
- Emergency Checklist-
'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world;  it can just barely kill you.'
- Attributed to Max Stanley ( Northrop test pilot) -
'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.'
-Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Monthan AFB , AZ-
'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.' - Lead-in Fighter Training Manual -
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft,
having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives.
The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks, 'What happened?'
The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'