Tiger Woods was on the first tee off with a couple of other guys when a beautiful looking woman approached and asked if she could play the round with them.

The first guy said that it wouldn't be a fair game with which to judge her golfing skills be cause he had a handicap.  The woman questioned this and he said that he had a wooden arm.  "Huh," she said: "prove it!"

With that he rolled up his sleeve and began unscrewing his arm.  "Alright," she said, and turned to the second man: "So what's your excuse not to play with me?"

The second guy replied that he had a wooden leg and that he would just slow her down.  "Show me," she said doubtingly: I need to see this."

With that the second guy rolled up his trouser leg and screwed off his wooden leg.  "Ok, then," turning to Tiger Woods: "what is your excuse for not wanting me to join you for a round of golf?"

Tiger replies: "I have a wooden heart."

"A wooden arm I found difficult to believe but it's true, and a wooden leg, well lots of people have those," she said: "but a wooden heart, there is no way on earth you're gonna convince me that you have a wooden heart."

Tiger replies: "I'm a bit shy in front of all these people, but if you come into the bushes with me I'll show you."

The woman was cynical but she agreed and the pair disappeared into the bushes.  About half an hour later the other two guys were wondering what was taking so long so they walked over and peered into the bushes, and sure enough, there was Tiger... screwing his heart out.

Gotta pay that one!

They say old golfers never die, they just lose their balls.... but me thinks Tiger Woods might lose his long before he gets old.

If not before, his missus 'll get 'em in the divorce settlement... after which she'll hang 'em from her rearview mirror to remind her of what a lousy 'driver' he is.

http://www.glenn.tapley.us/MC.swf    

I had to rein myself in after that one, deer...  

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy. 

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert. 

'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy. 

'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy. 

'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,'

But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'

 
You're gonna LOVE me for this.... 

The third piggy says -

 
'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just  going by. He gets into the taxi and the cabbie says,  "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank".  

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank  Feldman  He's a guy who did everything right all  the time.  Like my coming along when you  needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank  Feldman every single time."
  
Passenger:  "There are always a few clouds over  everybody."
  
Cabbie: "Not Frank  Feldman.  He was a terrific athlete. He could have  won the Grand Slam at tennis.
 He  could golf with the pros.  He sang like an opera  baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you  should have heard him play the piano.  He  was an amazing guy."
  
Passenger:  "Sounds like he was something really special."
   
Cabbie: "There's more ... He had a memory like a  computer.  He remembered everybody's  birthday. He knew all about wine, which  foods to order and which fork to eat them  with.  He could fix anything. Not  like me.  I change a fuse, and the whole street  blacks out.  But Frank Feldman, he could do  everything right."

Passenger: "Wow,  some guy then."
  
Cabbie: "He always  knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid  traffic jams.  Not like me, I always seem  to get stuck in them.  But Frank, he never  made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a  woman and make her feel good.  He would  never answer her back even if she was in the  wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes  highly polished too.  He was the perfect  man!  He never made a mistake.  No one  could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet  him?"
  
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually  met Frank.  He died ... I'm married to his b****y  widow!!"

^ 

Q: What does Tiger Woods have in common with a baby seal?
A: They've both been clubbed by a Norwegian


· Tiger's new movie is out: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.


· Apparently the police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. She said "I don't know exactly... but put me down for a 5."


· Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole-in-one.
· Elin's excuse? She had to play a bad lie.


I heard Tiger's wife is now being sponsored by a golf club manufacturer. The tag line: Get the club that beats Tiger!


· What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.


· What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing.


· Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.


· Why did Tiger leave the house so early? He has a 2:30 tree time.

· Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife


· Of course, he blamed it on a problem with his Escalade. Typical.....whenever a golfer hits a tree, he blames it on his Caddie.





· "Tiger was found exactly two club lengths from his car due to a lost ball penalty - if the cops would have arrived a minute later he'd have lost the other one as well".

                            The boy from the bush!!

A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but
> >halfway
> >
> > through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.
> >
> > He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern
> > education is developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane
> > That will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'
> >
> > 'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'
> >
> > 'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll
> > get him in the course.'
> >
> > So ... his father sends the dog and $2,000.
> >
> > About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The
> > boy calls home. 'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.
> >
> > 'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this.
> > They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the
> > animals how to read.'
> >
> > 'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in
> > that program?'
> >
> > 'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'
> >
> > The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of
> > the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.
> > So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his
> > father is all excited.
> >
> > 'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him
> > read something!'
> >
> > 'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just
> > before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked
> > back in the recliner, reading the Courier Mail. Then he suddenly
> > turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with
> > that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''
> >
> > The father groans and whispers, 'Ihope you shot that ba*tard before he
> > talks to your Mother!'
> >
> > 'I sure did, Dad!'
> >
> > 'That's my boy!'
> >
> > The kid went on to be a successful Barrister.

THE 'OBEDIENT' GREEK WIFE!

Petros was a Greek immigrant man who had worked all his of life, had saved all of his money and was a real 'miser' when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his Greek wife... "Voula, when I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the after-life with me."

And so he persuaded Voula to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died. Petros was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, (what else) and her best friend Tasia, was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertaker got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "wait just a moment!"

Voula put a small metal box into the casket. Then the undertaker locked the casket down and they rolled it away...

So her friend said, "Voula!, I know you weren't foolish enough to put all that money in there with him!."

"Listen" Voula said, "I'm a Greek Orthodox wife & I cannot go back on my word. I promised Petros that I was going to put that money in the casket with him."

"You are telling me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, then he can spend it."

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door..

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you' card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your Business' and 'Becoming More Successful.'

Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut , and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the Members of Parliament

just thout i would come in here to try and cheer myself up some

Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Olny 55% of plepoe can!

COLD  IS A RELATIVE THING. ..

  65  above zero:

 Floridians turn on the  heat.

 People in  Wisconsin plant gardens.

   60  above zero:

Californians shiver uncontrollably.

 People in  Wisconsin sunbathe.

   50  above zero:

 Italian & English cars won't  start.

 People in  Wisconsin drive with the windows  down..

  40  above zero:

 Georgians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool  hats.

 People in  Wisconsin throw on a flannel  shirt.

  35  above zero:

   New York landlords finally turn up the  heat.

 People in  Wisconsin have the last cookout before it gets  cold.

   20  above Zero

 People in Miami all die.

 Wisconsinites close  the windows.

   Zero:

Californians  fly away to Mexico .

 People in  Wisconsin get out their winter  coats.

  10  below zero:

   Hollywood disintegrates.

The Girl Scouts in  Wisconsin are selling cookies door to door.

20  below zero:

   Washington DC runs out of hot air.

 People in  Wisconsin let the dogs sleep indoors.

   30  below zero:

 Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.

Wisconsinites get upset because they can't start the  Snow-mobile.

   40  below zero :

 ALL atomic motion stops .

 People in  Wisconsin start saying... "Cold  enough fer ya? "

 50  below zero:

 Hell freezes over.

Wisconsin public schools will  open 2 hours late.

HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM WISCONSIN? ABSOLUTELY A TRUE STORY HEARD ON A WISCONSIN RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.


A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500.00 (with monthly payments of $560.00).

He and a friend go duck hunting in upper Wisconsin It's mid-winter; and of course all of the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the ice with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the new NAVIGATOR.

They decide they want to make a natural-looking open water for the ducks to focus on, something for the decoys to float in.  Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can   produce.  So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse. Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the following course of action:

They light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty throw, they heave the stick of dynamite as far away as possible. Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG...???

Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING; especially things thrown by the owner.  You guessed it:  The dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of  speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice.

The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his Master, keeps coming. One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab.

The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, then continues on. Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, UNDER the brand new Navigator.

The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dog's rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master.

Then " "" "" "" "" BOOOOOOOOOOOOM "" "" "" "" ! ! !

The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with "I can't believe this just happened" looks on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. And he still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments.

The dog is okay. . ...doing fine.

 x2....two bullseyes in a row. Coulda been worse...if starkers' butt touched the tail pipe...well, the first Ozzie to hit the moon would be our dear Cap'n.

An old man goes to the drug store and asks for six Viagra tablets cut in quarters.

The Pharmacist said, "I'll be only to happy to do that but you wouldn't achieve a full erection

with so low a dose."

The old man replied, "I don't care if it's a full erection or not. I only want it to stick out far enough

so's I won't pee on my slippers!"

I can't see me running... period!

Guess that means if a horny woman is chasing me I'm gonna get caught.

Not that it'll do her any good.... did the math and I've gone 24 days now without peeing on my slippers.

A husband and wife are laying in bed one evening when an escaped convict breaks into the house and bursts into their bedroom.  He goes over to the bed and grabs the husband, throws him across the room and ties him head down butt up on a chair, then goes back to the bed, ties up the wife and goes down as if to kiss her on the neck before going into the bathroom

The husband could just see this and says: "Now honey, I saw him kiss you on the neck, but please be calm and do not alarm or make this guy angry.  He's an escaped convict and he probably hasn't seen a woman for a very long time, so he'll probably want his wicked way with you, but please,  don't put up a fight, just let him do the dirty deed.  Even look as if you are enjoying it.  That way he is less likely to hurt you.... or me."

"No, he didn't kiss me on the neck," replies the wife: "He whispered in my ear."

"So what did he say?"

"Oh, just that he was gay, and he wanted to know where we kept the vaseline."

Two guys are playing golf -- a Japanese and American. The Japanese man, getting ready to tee off, begins talking into his thumb. The American says, 'What are you doing?' The Japanese man says: 'Oh, don't worry. With microtechnology, I have a microphone inserted in my thumb. I was just recording a message.' The two men go on playing golf. All of a sudden, the American man makes a funny sound that sounds amazingly like a fart. The Japanese man looks over at him. 'Oh,' says the American. 'Don't worry, I'm just receiving a fax.

A guy walks into the 19th hole with a black eye and a golf club wrapped around his neck.  He approaches the bar and asks for a triple scotch on the rocks.  The barman pours the drink and looks up somewhat perplexed at the golf club around the guy's neck: "Sorry, but I couldn't help but notice... you've got a 9 iron around your neck."

The guy acknowledges and proceeds to drink his triple scotch before ordering another.  The barman pours the drink and looks up: "Why, you're Tiger Woods, aren't you.... and what's with the 9 iron around your neck?"

"To your first question, yes, I am Tiger Woods.  To your second question: my wife found out that I played a-round with my mistress."