Frank and his buddies were hanging out and planning a 5-day golf

trip. Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go because

his wife wouldn't let him.


  After a lot of teasing and name calling, Frank headed home

totally frustrated. The following week when Frank's buddies arrived at

the golf resort, they were shocked to see Frank sitting in the lobby,

drinking a beer, holding his putter!


  "How did you talk your wife into letting you go, Frank?"


  "I didn't have to," Frank replied. "Last I night I slumped down

in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then, my wife snuck up

behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise.' When I peeled her

hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee

and said, 'Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed, and you can

do whatever you want'......SO HERE I AM !"

Two tourists were traveling through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.

They went back and forth until they stopped for lunch. At the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?"

The guy leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."

Every evening after office hours...5:03 pm...on the button, the doctor would stop in the bar for his fave: A hazelnut daiquiri. At 4:55 one day the bartender started to make the doc's usual when, to his horror, he found he was out of hazelnut flavoring.

He decided to use a different one...hickory.

The doc came in at 5:03 and the bartender gave him the daq. The doc screwed up his face and said, "That's not my usual!"

The bartender said, "No. It's a hickory daiquiri, doc".  

Now why didn't I think of this???
A Well-Planned Retirement - From TheLondon Times:

Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England , there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses. It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars (about $1.40) and coaches (about $7).

This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years. Then, one day, he just didn't turn up for work. "Oh well", said Bristol Zoo Management - "we'd better phone up the City Council and get them to send a new parking attendant . . . "

"Err . . . no", said the Council, "that parking lot is your responsibility."
"Err . . . no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't he?"
"Err . . . no!" insisted the Council.

Sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain (presumably), is a man who had been taking the parking lot fees, estimated at (about $560) per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years. Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over ($7 million - or $280,000 every year for 25 years)!!! ALL TAX FREE, TOO!!!

And no one even knows his name.

An elderly woman went to her local doctor’s office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”

Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you’re 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?”

The woman replied, “They help me sleep better.”

The doctor considered this for a second, and continued… “How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?”

The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice, and I sleep better at night.”

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked. 
"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."

One day, an eskimo was riding his snowmobile to work and noticed that it was running poorly. He stopped at the repair shop to have them look at it.

The repairman said, "We're kind of busy right now, but why don't you go across the street to the cafe and have something to eat, then stop back and see me in a few hours."

So the eskimo went to the cafe and returned to the repair shop two hours later. The eskimo asked the repairman, "What did you find?"

The repairman said, "I think that you blew a seal."

The eskimo replied (after wiping his mouth), "No, I just had a vanilla ice cream!"

Two Legionnaires are on patrol in the desert when the come upon an oasis and decide to stop for a drink and a rest.  However, when they are ready to go back to the fort one Legionnaire's camel just won't go... so the other legionnaire goes to his saddle bags and produces a couuple of bricks.

"What are those for?" asked the first Legionnaire.

"You'll see." answered the second.

And with that he went to the read end of the obstinate camel, lined up the camel's balls between the two brick and 'BANG" Naturally the camel took off at high speed.

Next thing he sees is his comrade pulling down his pant and bending over with the palms of his hands in the sand.

"What are you doing?" asks the second Legionnaire.

"Isn't it obvious?", says the first legionnaire: "You had better 'brick' me now... I've got to go catch the bastard!!!!"

                                                 .....................................................................

A new recruit at a remote desert outpost has been there a few weeks and he is starting to get extremely horny, so goes and asks his segeant at arms what they do for women all the way out there.

"See that camel tied to the tree over there," says the sergeant at arms: "Well we use that!"

About four hours later the sergeant at arms decides that he was feeling the same way and went to where the camel was tied up. However, when he got there the camel was down on its front knees with its belly in the sand and its back leges spreadeagled.  "WTF", he thought, and immediately approached the new recruit to ascertain what had happened to it.

The new recruit was a little embarrassed but eventually admitted that he had left the camel that way after a very rigorous session.

You silly, silly, depraved bastard!!!!  You were supposed to ride it to the nearest harem!!!"

                            .................................................................................................................

Q: Do you know why camels are called ships of the desert???

A:  They're full of Legionnares semen! 

When you have an 'I Hate My Job day' 

[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days] 

Try this out: 

Stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. 

Be very sure you get this brand.. 



When you get home, lock your doors, 

draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. 

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. 

Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.  
  
Now the fun part begins. 

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. 

You will notice that in small print there is a statement: 


"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized." 


Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,' I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at 

Johnson & Johnson.' 


HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS! 

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account & insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk & replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious & asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised & asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh & told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president & said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer a s a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet & spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way & that, checking them over again & again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square & reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer & acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that t he president's testicles were square

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she & her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better & asked the president if she could hold them to be absolutely sure. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that & she replied,
'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would  have the president of the bank of Canada by the balls

I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired'? Well..I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas into urine.

 And I'm pretty damn good at it, too!!

Two old men,Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball. Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol...."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in Heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well, there is baseball in Heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

Quote of the Decade:

Judge Judy to prostitute: 

"When did you realize you were raped?"

Prostitute (wiping away tears):

"When the check bounced."

 I'm a fan of Judge Judy myself. My favorite quote is "Don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining."  

How great she is! No BS...one tough momma...and frakkin' smart!

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids.
 
After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'

He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.'

A little old lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of a seated young girl.

Holding her hand to her chest, she says to the girl, "If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat."

The girl gets up and gives up her the seat to the old lady. It is hot.

The girl then takes out a fan and starts fanning herself. The woman looks up and says, "If you knew what I have, you would give me that fan." The girl gives her the fan, too.

Fifteen minutes later the woman gets up and says to the bus driver, "Stop, I want to get off here."

The bus driver tells her he has to drop her at the next corner, not in the middle of the block. With her hand across her chest, she tells the driver, "If you knew what I have, you would let me off the bus right here."

The bus driver pulls over and opens the door to let her out. As she's walking out of the bus, he asks, "Madam, what is it you have? "

The old woman looks at him and nonchalantly replies, "Chutzpah."

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that
The kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending 
On where she is in her menstrual cycle.
 
For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged
And masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal,
She tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and
A spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.
 
No further studies are expected.

===================================================

Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was
still a virgin.
On her wedding night, staying at her mother'
s house, she was very
nervous.
Her mother reassured her; Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go
upstairs and he'll take care of you....Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta.'
So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and
exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says,
'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.'
'Don't worry, Maria,' says the mother, 'all good men have hairy chests.
Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'
So, up she went again.. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off
his pants exposing his hairy legs.
Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. 'Mama, Mama, Tony took off
his pants and he's got hairy legs!'
'Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man Go
upstairs and he'll take good care of you.'
So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and
on his left foot he was missing three toes.
When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot
and a half!'
Her Mama said, 'Stay here and stir the pasta.'

The moral is.... 

If you don't let a woman have her own way.... 

Things are going to get ugly

 A great truth has been revealed here! Karma to you for this wisdom, my Bonzette!

The Hotel Bill

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this:

My wife and I are traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George. After almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decide to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk hands us a bill for $350.00.

I explode and demand to know why the charge is so high. I tell the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00  Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use.’ But we didn't use them.’ Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. 'We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.

'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' .'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, I  reply,’ But we didn't use it!'

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay.

I  write a cheque and give it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. 'But sir,' 'this cheque is only made out for $50.00.''That's correct, as I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.'

'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

'Well, too bad,  she was here, and you could have.'

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.

So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here." Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine." Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says..................

"Where's that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."