@ #1100

Night At The Barn

A lawyer and two friends--a Rabbi, and a Hindu holy man--had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

The farmer said, "There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep in the house. So one of you must sleep in the barn."

"No problem," chimed the Rabbi. "My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for one evening." With that he departed to the barn, and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer. He replied, "I am grateful to you, but I just can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."
His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door. "What's wrong?" the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, "I, too, am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn. In my country cows are considered sacred and I can't sleep on holy ground!"

That left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Moments later there was another knock on the farmer's door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.

Aussie Humor

1. Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night. The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was okay to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said okay. After my next trip several weeks later, my wife and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, there were hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers, also. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!" As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?" "Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted. The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.

2. An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then 4 year old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. 'Be still, my heart', thought my friend, 'my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!' Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

3. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

4. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
5. A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

6. At the beginning of a children's sermon, one girl came up to the altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children were sitting down around the pastor, he leaned over and said to the girl, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The girl replied almost directly into the pastor's clip-on mike, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

Priestly Kindness


One fine sunny morning, the priest took a walk in the local forest. He
had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking
frog sitting on a toadstool.

"What's wrong with you?" said the priest.

"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine day is
because I wasn't always a frog."

"Really!" said the priest. "Can you explain!"

"Once upon a time I was an 11 year old Choir boy at the local church. I
too was walking through this forest when I was confronted by the wicked
witch of the forest. 'Let me pass!' I yelled, but to no avail. She
called me a cheeky little boy and with a flash of her wand, turned me
into this frog you see before you."

"That's an incredible story" said the priest. "Is there no way of
reversing this spell that the witch has cast upon you?"

"Yes" said the frog, "It is said, that if a nice kind person would pick
me up, take me home, give me food and warmth and with a good nights
sleep, I would wake up a boy once again."

"Today's your lucky day!" said the priest, and picked up the frog and
took him home. The priest gave the frog lots of food, placed him by the
fire and at bedtime put the frog on the pillow beside him. When the
priest awoke, he saw the 11 year old Choir boy beside him in bed.

"And that, Your Honor, is the case for the Defense....."

WHERE DO REDHEAD BABIES COME FROM?

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the
ostetrician. "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm
a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be
mine." "Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both
have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to
the gene pool." "It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be,
our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations." "Well,"
said the doctor, let me ask you this. How often do you make love?" The
man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past
year. We only made love once or twice every few months" " Well, there
you have it!" The doctor said confidently. It's rust."

Word Perfect Helpline

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause".

Actual dialogue of a former Wordperfect Customer Support employee:
"Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"....... Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too XXXXXXX stupid to own a computer."

The Gender of Computers

A pastor of a church who was previously a sailor, was very aware that ships are addressed as "she" and "her". He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed. To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts.

The first was comprised of women and the second of men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be referred to in the feminine gender or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
They have a lot of data, but are still clue-less.
They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.


The men, on the other hand, concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:

No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Methods of Government

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".

BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows..

ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the feng shui is bad.

ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

LIBERTARIANISM: You have two cows. One has actually read the constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas about government. The cow runs for office, and while most people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody except the other cow votes for her because they think it would be "throwing their vote away."

Probably on here already, but just a great joke:

General Motors and Microsoft

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates, CEO of Microsoft reportedly compared the computer industry with the automobile industry and stated: "If General Motors had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon".

In response to Bill Gates' comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: " If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:"


For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
Occasionally your car would die on the highway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart, and drive on.
Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to start, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95", "Car98", or "Car NT". But then you would have to buy more seats.
Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on 5% of the roads.
The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car fault" warning light.
New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
The airbag system would say "Are you sure" before deploying.
Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out & refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand-McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though you neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
You would have to press the "Start" button to shut off the engine.

The last four ex-US Presidents are caught in a tornado,
and off they spin to
the land of OZ. They finally make it to the Emerald City
and come before the
Great Wizard.
"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ?"
Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I've come for some
courage."
"NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard, "WHO IS NEXT?"
Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well, ...I...think I need
a brain."
"DONE" says the Wizard.
"WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?"
Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American
people that I need a
heart."
"I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE?" says the Wizard, "CONSIDER IT
DONE.
There is a great silence in the hall, Bill Clinton is
just standing there,
looking around,
but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally
asks, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
"Is Dorothy here?"

Quality of Life

An American businessman was at the pier of
a small coastal Mexican village when a small
boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the
small boat were several large yellowfin tuna.
The American complimented the Mexican on the
quality of his fish and asked how long it took
to catch them. The Mexican replied, "Only a little
while, Senor."

The American then asked, "Why didn't you stay
out longer and catch more fish?"

The Mexican said he had enough to support his
family's immediate needs.

The American then asked, "But what do you do
with the rest of your time?"

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late,
fish a little, play with my children, take siesta
with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village
each evening where I sip wine and play guitar
with my amigos. I have a full and busy life,
Senor."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and
could help you. You should spend more time fishing
and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat with
the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy
several boats, eventually you would have a fleet
of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch
to a middleman you would sell directly to the
processor, eventually opening your own cannery.
You would control the product, processing and
distribution. You would need to leave this small
coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City,
then LA and eventually NYC where you will run
your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But Senor, how
long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "15-20 years."


"But what then, Senor?"

The American laughed and said, "That's the
best part. When the time is right you would announce
an IPO and sell your company stock to the public
and become very rich, you would make millions."


"Millions, Senor? Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire.
Move to a small coastal fishing village where
you would sleep late, fish a little, play with
your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll
to the village in the evenings where you could
sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

ain't that the truth

There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date...

"Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra ?"

"I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I had this coupon."

"No wine for me. My urologist says not to mix alcohol and penicillin."

"I used to come here all the time with my ex."

"I never said you need a nose job. I said you should consider it."

"My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear me on the answering machine every hour."

"I've really grown, used to be, I wouldn't give someone like you a second look."

"You don't have any sexual taboos, do ya?"

"And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest."

"I've come to accept that most women I date just won't be as smart as I am."

"Glad you could make it on short notice. My girlfriend was busy."

"I can't wait until tomorrow to tell my shrink about you."

"And when I mooned them... you know ? Jehovah's Witnesses can run fast."

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.

The Brunette team rides on the bottom of the bus.

The Blonde team rides on the top level.

The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.

She decides to get up and investigate.

When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

The brunette asks, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"

One of the Blondes looks up at her, swallows hard and says, "YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!"

How does a blonde get an idea?

*gasp!*

What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?

They drowned during Spring Training.

A blonde was having trouble with her car so she took it in to the mechanic. After a day she comes back. After she asked him what was wrong, he said:
"Oh nothing much. Just crap in the carbourator."

Blonde:
"Oh. How often do I have to do that?"

Okay here goes mine... Rita and James are 90 and 94 years old. They have been married since Rita was only 24. For their 66th anniversery, they flew from their home town in Georgia to a small mom & pop pizza parlor in Italy. They have a most wonderful and entertaining evening, so they get back into their car and begin the 180 mile drive to the airport. A little bit more than halfway there, Rita says to her husband, "Conflabit, James!" James looks over. "What is it Rita?" Rita sighs and waves her glasses' case. "I forgot my glasses! I left them at the resturaunt!!" James pulls over and hits his hand on the wheel. "What do you mean you left your glasses there?! You spent $400 on them! You can't drive without them, you can't read without them, you can't walk or even cook without them! You're whole body relies on them! And you forgot them? We've been driving for 160 miles and you can't hardly pet an animal without them!!" Rita smirks and James turns the car around and proceeds the 160 miles back. The whole way James carries on and yells at Rita; "I can't believe you!" "35 years you've had those glasses and you've never ever lost them!". The entire 160 miles back James had been yelling at Rita, until they finally arrived. Rita gets out of the car, but as she's walking in James rolls down the window and shouts at her. "Hey! Rita! Be quick about it... and get my hat while you're in there, will ya?"

"Strange but Clever Advertising..."


On the way to Nags Head, North Carolina from Virginia there is a sign for a seafood restaurant that says, "I get my crabs from Dirty Dicks."

On a hospital door to the colonoscopy unit: "To expedite your visit, please back in."

On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of a plumbing company: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

Sign over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

Another pizza shop slogan: "Buy our pizza. We knead the dough."

At a tire shop: "Invite us to your next blowout."

Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."

At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."

At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you pay your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a propane filling station: "Tank heaven for little grills."

And don't forget the sign at a radiator shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

Haha those are funny!

An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and
they they take turns recounting their adventures at
sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye
patch the seaman asks:
"So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies:
"We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and
a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were
pullin' me out a school of sharks appeared and one
of 'em bit me leg off".

"Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?
"Ahhhh...", mused the pirate, "We were boardin' a
trader ship, pistols blastin' and swords swingin'
this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped
off."

"Zounds!", remarked the seaman. "And how came ye by
the eye patch?"
"A seagull droppin' fell into me eye", answered the
pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?", the sailor
asked incredulously.
"Well..." said the pirate, "..it was me first day with
the hook.."

The Queen of england invited president Bush, tony blair, and a hole lot of generals and other people involved.
When all the guest arrived the dinner could be started, and there they were talking about the fact of the war in iraq, and if it should be 'allowed' or not.
While eating and talking Blair saw that evry one had instead of 3 forks and knifes had a 4th little knife (ment for eating the desert) it was really a lovely peace of art, with a little cross on top of it.
Then he looked up to bush who was sitting right in front him on the other side of the table, and he noticed that bush putted the little knife quitly in his jacked.
Blair tought of it for a second and desided he wanted one too, so he slowely moved it to the side of the table to put it in his pocket, but while doing this, the little knife hitted his glass, and the queen said: I think mr. Blair wants to say something.
Blair said: No sorry, just an accident. well that was close he tought, but I will try it again, but also the second time he did hit his glass. The Queen said: Ahum.. I think mr. Blair wants to say something. And again, Blair offered his apologize, and said it was an accident. The thirt time he did AGAIN hit his glass, and the queen said a little irritated, Mr. Blair wants to say something.
Blair stooth up, and picked up the little knife.
Yes, I want to show you some little magic trick. I put this knife here in the pocket of my jacked, and get it out again from bush his jacket

I'm amazed that this thread was still around It's been a long time since I've added to it.