A blonde is driving her car and gets pulled over for speeding. The female Police officer; also a blonde, asks the driver for her license. The driver proceeds to shuffle through her purse nervously looking for her identification. Impatiently, the Officer explains " It's the one with your picture on it!" The driver finds her make up mirror and sees her face in it and hands it to the Police officer. The Police officer takes one look at the mirror and exclaims " If I would have known you were a cop, I wouldn't have pulled you over!"


A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher shocked at the answer; dunks him into the water again for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again---but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Sorry, don't have anymore jokes left.

Three old ornery grandmas were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home. About then an old man walked by, and one of the grandmas says, "We bet we can tell how old you are."
The old man replied, "There ain`t no way you can guess it."
One of the ornery grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop your undershorts and we can tell your exact age."
So of course, he did what they asked. The grandmas stared at him for a while, one reached out an poked around a bit, then each took turns doing the same. Finally, after about 10 minutes, they all piped up and said, "You`re 84 years old!"
The old man was stunned. "Amazing! How did you guess that?"
The ornery old grandmas laughed. Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, all three happily yelled in unison, "You told us yesterday."

Well......
Looks like I'm gunna have to find some new jokes to post here and get this thread running again!

THE RULES ACCORDING TO MAN:

1. Crying is blackmail.

2. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

3. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

4. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

5. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

6. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

7. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

8. You have enough clothes.

9. You have too many shoes.

10. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

11. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

12. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

13. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine. Really!

Okay, now that all the ladies think I'm a jerk, here's a cutie for the road.

A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

THE TOP 6 MOST IMPORTANT MEN IN A WOMAN'S LIFE

1. the docter, because he says, "take your clothes off."
2. the dentist, because he says "open wide."
3. the hairdresser, because he says, "do you want it teased or blown?"
4. the milkman, because he says, "do you want it in the front or back."
5. the interior decorator, because he says, " once its in you'll love it."
6. the banker, because he says, "if you take it out too soon you'll lose interest."


someone has to think this is funny....maybe

Bra Sizes

Now the mystery is solved!

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G,
and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out
what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

{A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
(DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help I've fallen and I can't get up!

Phooey hahaha
A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts" and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem...he yelled, "Down Nuts". And they all sat back down in their seats. After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the
star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts!!!" and they all started booing and cat calling.
Thinking things were going very well, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, the doctor asked, "What in the world happened?"
The assistant replied, "Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled... "PEANUTS!!"

Colonoscopy humor: A physician claims these are actual comments from his
patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"
5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."
9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!" 10."If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"
11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
13. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"


[Message Edited]

Do you know of Star Dudes? Check this link: http://www.dudestudios.com

You can even dl epsiodes 4-6!

@ Star Dudes

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very
attractive
blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll
of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier
when I'm completely nude."

With that she stripped off her clothes, rolled the dice, and yelled,
"Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered, "YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked
up all the money and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them
asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know. I thought
YOU were watching!"

Moral of the story: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men . . are men.

There's a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off
the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads
straight for him. The man walks faster, trying to hurry
across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still
coming at him.

So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes
lanes again and is still coming at him.

By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he
just freezes and stops in the middle of the road.

The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible
moment and screeches to a halt right next him.

The driver rolls down the window.

The driver is a squirrel.

The squirrel says to the man says, "See, it's not as easy
as it looks, is it?"

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have
an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when
he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his
umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting
beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit
fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

Did you hear about the dyslexic insomniac agnostic?

He laid awake all night wondering if there was a dog.

Ready for the rotten veggies now...

Three men died in a car crash.

They were met at the pearly gates by St. Peter. He said "sorry boys you're not on the list. But it's close to Christmas, so if each of you can show me something that relates to the season you can come in."

The first guy found a lighter in his pocket, took it out, flicked it and said "candles - Christmas candles!"

Man number two pulled out a set of keys, shook them and said "bells - Christmas bells!"

St. Peter said "those are good, what about you?"

The third fella fumbled around in his coat pockets, pulled out a pair of panties and said "Carol's - Christmas carols!"

Nice one!

George Bush met The Queen, and he turns round and says:

"As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom".

To which the Queen replies, "I'm sorry Mr Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."

George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?", to which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Bush". Bush thought long and hard
and came up with "How about an Empire then?" The Queen, getting a little T'ed off by now replied " Sorry again, Mr Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."

Before George Bush could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country".

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.
Her beautiful daughter-in-law was embarrassed, but responded: "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work,"
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? You're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left with a thoughtful smile on her face. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

Ten Drawbacks to working in a cubicle

10. Being told to "think outside the box" when you're in a freakin' box all day long.

9. Not being able to check e-mail attachments without turning around to see who's behind you.

8. Cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gun fire.

7. That nagging feeling that if you press the right button, you'll get a piece of cheese.

6. Lack of roof rafters for the noose.

5. The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right.

4. 23 power cords - 1 outlet.

3. Prison cells are not only bigger, they also have beds.

2. The carpet has been there since 1976 and shows more signs of life than your co-workers.

1. You can't walk out and slam the door when you quit.


All so true... (posted while sitting in a cubicle! )

24 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator...

1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

10. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, no, not now, damn motion sickness!"

11. Meow occasionally.

12. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

13. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

14. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

15. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

16. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"

17. Say "Ding!" at each floor.

18. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

19. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

20. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

21. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

22. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

23. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

24. Stop at every floor, run off the elevator, then run back on

A Horoscope For The Workplace

ASTROLOGY: tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy, and what you watch on TV. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out...
MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree," you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is written that the geeks shall inherit the Earth.

ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all personal ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel"...

ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, and mail a letter!

MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/"TEAM LEADS": Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."

SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Senior Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Senior Manager."

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your boss.

Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.
When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his legs sticking in the air?"
His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."
"Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming"
If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"