Istari Istari

Ridiculous Requests for Upcoming Patches

Ridiculous Requests for Upcoming Patches

Long day at work, groggy and loopy, disclaimer finished.

[EDIT] -Bear Cavalry

-Add a game feature or quest that changes the box art to reflect the game.

-Players should get to use two Sovereigns if they received a double shipment of the game by mistake.

-Put in a 'Ye Olde Mechanic' unit that can alter game mechanics from within the game, then take a long holiday.

-Create a quest where you have to find a male frog and try to misinterpret his dialogue and read too much into it.

-Add in a cheat where if you type 'Old man, you seek the Spell of Mastery.', Elemental exits and launches MoM in DOSBox.

-Make it so that all Sovereigns share the same mana pool, and have to play 'Rock, Paper, Scissors' to decide who gets to regenerate each turn.

-Watchtowers should manufacture watches.

-Fishing as a food resource where the fish provide food returns based on the patented 'Juicy Sweetness' rating system by Smeagol.

-Players should have the ability to Give Karma k1 to other Sovereigns through the Diplomacy screens.

-Milk should be listed as a sub-resource to Food, and needs to be watched constantly on a per-city, per-turn basis to check if it has gone bad. The Sovereign has to be in the city to personally inspect the Milk stores.

-Elemental should be free to all those who purchased Elemental before playing v1.1 after buying expansion 1.B if they didn't purchase Elemental before playing expansion 1.A.

-Admiral Ozzel should be punished for coming out of hyperspace too close to the Hoth system.

-In campaign mode, a *Spoiler Warning* should pop-up before any reveals or story progression.

-New terrain type - 'Carpet'.

-Terrain tiles should light up when the Sovereign walks on them, just like Michael Jackson in the Billie Jean video clip. The Sovereigns should also be singing Billie Jean as they walk.

-Units positioned in front of Archers should be subject to friendly fire. There should also be a percentage chance that a fight starts up as a result.

-Units trapped between enemy influence zones should be able to spend one turn maneuvering as though they were trying to get past laser security sensors.

-In tactical combat, Attack, Damage, and Defense should be combined into a single statistic and rolled with a 2 sided dice. A roll of '1' results in auto-fail, whereas conversely, a roll of '2' results in manual-fail. This is due to the real world problem associated with a 2 sided dice.

-Add in a nuclear spell that causes other Sovereigns to get nervous. The Sovereign researching or casting the nuclear spell can cleverly and diplomatically disguise it as just an 'Update Schedule' to avoid a backlash.

-Female Sovereigns should be able to research the 'Spell of Faking' for the win.

-The Master Quest should be to cause the game to crash and report the error.

-A message from The Bishop: "I foretold of your folly. These lands rightfully belong to the Church. And I will have them!".

-All your modding tools are belong to us!

-Redefine 'Multiplayer' to include AI opponents.

-Bastion should say my name.

-Organized Teleport. Units teleport at the same speed as the Sovereign, even if the Sovereign has Hyperwarp and those units only have Ion Drive.

-A mana pool should be something a Sovereign uses to drive other people's kids to school in.

-The casting cost of spells should be measured in Flower Petals.

-New Weakness Trait - 'Unhelpful Complainer'. Resource accumulation is slowed and morale suffers as the Unhelpful Complainer whips their soldiers during combat in an effort to explain to them that they mustn't die. -50.

-For added realism and immersion, the Sovereign should spend 2 out of 3 turns sleeping.

 

...... Feel free to add more. I'm about to drop off where I sit.

 

**[Updated]**


-Speech bubbles for NPCs with Tourettes Syndrome.


-Add in NPCs who have Tourettes Syndrome.


-New Equipment Slot - 'Hair clip'.


-Currency exchange system between Kingdom and Empire factions.


-Offspring should have a 9pm curfew.


-New Spell - 'Differentiate Spell'. This spell acts as an addon to existing spells and adds a random effect in addition to the standard effect of the spell. 'Differentiate Spell' can be be used to target 'Differentiate Spell'.


-We need a quest that allows our Sovereigns to know what magic is.


-New Spell - 'Mirror Image'. 1dN illusory images of target unit are created on adjacent tiles in tactical battle. The appearance of these images varies in accordance with the different types of funhouse mirrors. There is a 67.32% chance that the images become frightened of one another and disappear.


-Special fencing needs to be erected to prevent younger offspring from drowning in the Global Mana Pool.


-The image translators should work for the construct program, so the whole game will be displayed as scrolling XML code.


-New Spell - 'Returnification'. This spell attempts to return your troops to the nearest city, but ultimately fails.


-AI opponents should have a Chess mini-game to play while they wait for the Human player to 'End Turn'.


-New Quest - 'The Quest to end all Quests'. Makes it so that there are no more quests in the game.


-The Conquest Victory option should be described on the box or in the manual as such: 'To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women.'


-New Unit - 'The Mouthguard of Sauron'. He just really needed to have something cover those teeth.


-Bring back Firefly.


-New Plane - 'Arc anus'. (Too cheap?)


-New Unit - 'Stupid fat hobbit'.


-Greedo was secretly in love with Han Solo, and couldn't bring himself to hurt him.


-New City Enchantment - 'Levitating City'. The enchanted city rises 10cm off the ground. This spell incurs a once-off materials cost, as a single step needs to be placed before every outer door of every building to avoid lawsuits from people tripping over to get inside.


-New Weakness Trait - 'Gibson's Disease'. Your Sovereign develops a tendency to randomly spout racism and beat their spouses. You receive a penalty to diplomacy, fewer offspring, and the ability to know what women want. -30.


-Magic Stamps. Rather than being imbued, champions line up at the Magical Welfare office once every 7 turns to receive allocated 'Magic Stamps' from the Sovereign. The stamps will be fluorescent pink.


-To make tactical combat more interesting, have some random units begin combat within enemy ranks, but facing their own side. It should take 1dN combat turns for them to figure out their mistake, until which they will fight for the enemy.


-Sovereigns should communicate through two cups tied to a long piece of string.


-New Race - 'Vegetarian Cannibals'. They're not vegan though, so they can still eat dairy made from their women's breast milk. (Too gross?)

875,676 views 276 replies
Reply #126 Top

Do you mean those frogmen to have a weakness against hamsters?

 

I'd like to see more mad/evil scientist devices.

Like zombie bikes. Take a bicycle and attach only the zombie's legs to do the pedaling. Use 4 legs if you want a 2 zp engine.
They see me rollin. They be hatin.

Or a zombie periscope. A zombie head on a lance that you can hold up and ask the zombie what it sees.

There should be troll archers. The ballita bolts they fire should hit several units in a row.
Special Ability: Shish Kabob.

All-male units traveling long distances should get lost and end up going to a random location in the vicinity.
A magical compass and astronomy research lowers this chance. The spell Untrue North would seriously mess up units relying on a compass. And pidgeons.

Mountains should be recruitable. They probably need movement buffs because their speed is measured in cm/year.

Reply #127 Top

The entire research process should be drastically changed.  Instead of a "research tree" in which we select what we want to research, the game should ask us periodically what developments we would like, what fixes we need in place, or ask us what we think about a research possibility.

Regardless of our answer, the actual research generated should be randomly generated without regard to our answer, or how many times we answer the same way.

Reply #128 Top

Quoting Gazz_, reply 126

I'd like to see more mad/evil scientist devices.

 

Like in evil genius?

Reply #129 Top

No, madder! Eviler!

 

BTW: Why does it have to be a research tree?    Why not a research flower?    Or a research small furry animal?

Reply #130 Top

your right, make it a research clone, the ai will do the mirror image of every action you take and will do it with a +1 to all stats, so there is a chance you will lose.

Reply #131 Top

-The Sovereign's zone of control should be an atmospherically contained bubble. This way if one unit farts, everybody gets a whiff.

-Research should be conducted by pants-less monkeys. The research will be primarily about increasing banana tree output, the evolution of monkey wings, and the cheap acquisition of little red fez hats.

-Arranged incestual marriages should be decided while the kids are young by having a game of hide and seek between brothers and sisters, and marrying the kids off according to who finds who first. After all, we can't very well have them living in sin!

-My neck hurts.

Reply #132 Top

sigh - lets not get the thread locked - asking them to lock it would be a ridiculous request.

Reply #133 Top

Quoting Glowing_Ember, reply 132
sigh - lets not get the thread locked - asking them to lock it would be a ridiculous request.

You are of course right. That last comment about my neck was going a little too far. In my defense, I have a tower shield. :P

Reply #134 Top

Quoting Gazz_, reply 129
No, madder! Eviler!

 

BTW: Why does it have to be a research tree?    Why not a research flower?    Or a research small furry animal?

 

It's bad to see: test on animal these day... if it should reach the press, your sovereign will be outvoted the next election! By the way, why there isn't any "media" in elemental. It should focus on all the bad stuff you've done and all your error you've make so your people will gradually loose confidense in you :) (time limit for the win).

Reply #135 Top

Rewrite the graphic engine to make Elemental look like Civ V.  Civ is dull but gorgeous - elemental is fun but ... underwhelming visually.

 

:)

 

 


G.

Reply #136 Top

Quoting Goldmos, reply 134
if it should reach the press, your sovereign will be outvoted the next election! By the way, why there isn't any "media" in elemental. It should focus on all the bad stuff you've done and all your error you've make so your people will gradually loose confidense in you (time limit for the win).

I'm not president. I'm KING!
The population will be told what it needs to know.

Reply #137 Top

Quoting Gazz_, reply 136

Quoting Goldmos, reply 134if it should reach the press, your sovereign will be outvoted the next election! By the way, why there isn't any "media" in elemental. It should focus on all the bad stuff you've done and all your error you've make so your people will gradually loose confidense in you (time limit for the win).
I'm not president. I'm KING!
The population will be told what it needs to know.

 

Well, I'll change outvoted to be beheaded...

Reply #138 Top

And also, we need the rule 34 to apply to this game too... it needs love afterall!

Reply #139 Top

When a faction is killed;

- at least to put a bar on its name on the kingdom info, and maybe "latest power level" rather than some frozen infos.

- What of all their resources? They could be separated in each cities, the first to capture the cities get its share so:

- Cities should stay on the map when a faction is eliminated, either stagnating or slowly declining (the population), and there would be a certain number of outlaw to beat to get the city, the strength of the pack declining in parallel with the population

 

More personnaly

- the deadline for 1.2 would be extended to any buyer before the 7th of november (see a video of Shrek's Pussy cat)

- I'd get something better than a laggy mobile intel 965 express chipset family, oh well,

 

Sorry if my first suggestions were already discussed somewhere else, that's a lot of info to catch up you see,

 

cheers,

Reply #140 Top

Quoting nathanielbm8, reply 139
When a faction is killed;

- at least to put a bar on its name on the kingdom info, and maybe "latest power level" rather than some frozen infos.

- What of all their resources? They could be separated in each cities, the first to capture the cities get its share so:

- Cities should stay on the map when a faction is eliminated, either stagnating or slowly declining (the population), and there would be a certain number of outlaw to beat to get the city, the strength of the pack declining in parallel with the population

 

More personnaly

- the deadline for 1.2 would be extended to any buyer before the 7th of november (see a video of Shrek's Pussy cat)

- I'd get something better than a laggy mobile intel 965 express chipset family, oh well,

 

Sorry if my first suggestions were already discussed somewhere else, that's a lot of info to catch up you see,

 

cheers,

 

No no no no no no no!

Sentence first, verdict after!

In this world it's not what you know but who you know, and I don't know either one of them.

Reply #141 Top

Why is "bear cavalry" not listed in the OP for a top ridiculous request!?   I remember seeing a request for "gators" around here somewhere too.  (I assume they mean the reptile rather than a slang term for somebody who goes to gate parties)

Reply #142 Top

New sovereign proffesion "Pimp" : Players gotta make a living

New Spell : Armaggedon : Chuck Norris is summoned and he kills everyone....including you

How about peasant cavalry? You have a peasant with a saddle carrying your sovereign around, and if he perishes, he is changed by a different peasant.

I don't remember in whic post it was, but besides clown infantry' thre should be the bearded lady assasins, think of all the weapons she can hide in her beard

And this would be a good use for catapults (pun intended) 

Reply #143 Top

Quoting landisaurus, reply 141
Why is "bear cavalry" not listed in the OP for a top ridiculous request!?   I remember seeing a request for "gators" around here somewhere too.  (I assume they mean the reptile rather than a slang term for somebody who goes to gate parties)

 

Done & done.

My personal preference would have been Gummi Bear Cavalry. Either that or Humphrey B. Bear.

Reply #144 Top

Paddington bear cavalry. Teddy Ruxpin cavalry or Rupert Bear cavalry. Bear cavalry, from the big blue house. Buttons cavalry, from puppets who kill (he's a womanizing teddy bear - he would interrupt the fight to ask a female sovereign out for a date). Butterbear, the half-bear half-butterfly hybrid on The  Wuzzles. Cindy Bear, yogi bear's girlfriend. Of courses the care bears cavalry (they have a ranged life attack that does double damage to fallen)....

 

 

... oh heck just look here :)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_fictional_bears#Bears_on_television

 

I think the the Great Root Bear would be a good choice (incidentally, i did not know he was married)

Reply #145 Top

-New spell: Double rainbow: Allow Neil Pattrick Harris to appear mounted on a unicorn to give you skittle and raise your moral.

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Reply #146 Top

Seems appropriate:

 

Reply #147 Top

What's the purpose of this maneuver? I'll admit that I'm no football fan but it doesn't look familiar.

Reply #148 Top

Quoting Gazz_, reply 147
What's the purpose of this maneuver? I'll admit that I'm no football fan but it doesn't look familiar.

It's the only way to legitimately handle the ball with your hands rather than your feet if you are not the goal keeper. As you are upside down, your hands become your feet and your feet become your hands. The referees must accept this, as otherwise it would be discrimination against the swivel axis challenged.

The downside to this technique is the upside.

Reply #149 Top

Quoting Goldmos, reply 145
-New spell: Double rainbow: Allow Neil Pattrick Harris to appear mounted on a unicorn to give you skittle and raise your moral.

HAHA. That is EPIC. It's funny as well. :grin:

k1

Reply #150 Top

- New DDR Challenge Mode - At the beginning of combat, any champion can challenge an opposing champion to a DDR dance off. The loser sits out of the combat overwhelmed by the levels of pwnage.