Don't Hit Anyone With That Monkey!

Don't crush that dwarf...... hand me the pliers!

I can't take credit for the phrase, it's a Firesign Theater album title. But if you need to get your kids, or grandkids attention, try it.

"No no no. We don't eat the diaper box"

"No, I don't have a 'crush' on her. I just think Lois Griffin is hot."

"Superman wouldn't back talk his mother like that."

"I'm going all on the pipes... IT'S BLEEDING!"

"The day you're big enough, son, you'll be too old!"

"Hate me quietly"

"I don't know how much you have to use it before it falls off, but if you keep messing with it, I imagine you'll find out"(don't ask what that was in reference of)

" no the kitty doesn't need to use toilet paper! put it away."

"if you didn't need to make a q-tip of your hand every time you go, we might still have some toilet paper left!"

"jonjon doesn't want to be your dog, take that leash off and let him go! .....you fed him what?!?"

Hehe!  I used to say to my boy: "Leave it alone, son, it'll drop off on its own when it's ripe!"

"It is what it is. Do whatcha gotta do."

"Food is for eating, not putting it on your brother's head!"

Oh yeah, how could I forget this one:

"You woke up with no pee-pee in your pull-up? Good boy! You get a treat!"

Okay, so I'm on a roll now...

"Son, you're supposed to sit on the seat, not the bowl!"

Hehe.  I had a few 'toilet' sayings for my son....

"Anything heavier than 10lbs must be lowered by rope."

"Phew, boy, we're building an ouside toilet especially for you."

"No use standing on the seat, the crabs in there can jump 10 feet"

"Oh, and stand a lot closer, it's a lot shorter than you think."

"It's not a gold mine, so don't go leaving any nuggest on the seat."

As you can tell, toilet humour was popular in our household.

am in that stage with grandbaby right now... and it amazes me how much we celebrate each time we can throw away a clean pull up.

and don't forget having to wave byebye to mr swirlie...

Fish do not eat hamburgers. (we had an aquarium.)

The cat is not a riding toy.

The tooth fairy came last night but couldnt get to your bedroom with all the toys on the floor..she will try tomorrow if the rooms clean.

No I did not know Pres. Lincoln personally,  Washington neither.

We had guests over one time when our oldest was being potty trained, I go to check up on him as he had been in there a bit, I see hes finished and is now hanging from the towel rack and pulling on it. I say in a gruff voice. " stop yanking on that, youl break it." I walk back to the living room to find everyone in stitches....I then realized the folly of my choice of wording..

No we can not take your sister back to the hospital and get a refund..

I dont care if it was dropped on the floor .. bananas do not go in the dishwasher...

Il take one rainbow monkey, two green dogs, one red and one blue. (Choosing prize stuffed animals at the fair for the kids.)

With 5 kids and almost 2 decades of teeny tots running around, these are just a few of the gems I remember.

I know you wanted to do a good job... but you may as well have put down banana skins....

Said to my then 10 y/o daughter after walking on her freshly polished kitchen floor and finding my feet suddenly pointing towards the ceiling... l

That's it!  I'm calling the gypsy's!

This was said numerous times to my youngest biped when she was being overly difficult.  She usually would cooperate after that.  She did not want to be traded to the gypsy's for a sack of onions.

.... or a bunch of bananas.

Another one to my son....

Rob, would you please feed the cat.... but not to the dog.

I used to tell my kids the gypsies refused the trade and they were stuck with me.

"you're mean!..."

"don't forget rotten cruel and nasty, it's what keeps me moving"

"No, I'm not going to kiss Spiderman."

This morning as I was kissing my kids goodbye before work, my 5-year-old held up his new Spiderman toy hoping that I would kiss Spiderman too!

the kitty does NOT want to be a babydoll today , please put that dress away !....and let go of his tail before you lose an eye!!

"Happy birthday to you! You belong in a zoo! You look like a monkey, and you smell like one, too!"

I always thought it was so cheesy when my dad would sing that to us kids when it was our birthday, and now here I am singing it to my son on his b-day!

After my son tried toride his bike up the wall of the house ......

Stupidity hurts.....

WHAT THE??!!

Put your pants back on!  (scream that in the yard and think the neighbors don't think your family is WEIRD)

*my four year old has the household nickname "Chief Crazy No Pants".  We're working on it...

A typical conversations with the wife after I get home from work:

Me: "How were the kids today?"

Her: "Fine, Cheif Crazy No Pants made a spectacular appearance as biped # 2 was getting on the bus!"

Me: "HAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Her: "It's not funny."

Me to CCNP: "High five!"

Sorry, Master Monkey! I didn't mean that how it sounded!

"Boys! Don't do that in front of the shed! Use the potty!" ~When my wife saw the boys going in the back yard.

"Son! No! No! No!" ~When my wife caught #2 going by the mailbox.

"Well, go behind the shed then!" ~me, when the lavatory was occupied.