hehe   

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health:

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Our Government Is Trying To Correct This Problem

Большое спасибо Вам, мой друг.

Alcohol Warning Labels:

1. Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

2. Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

3. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

4. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to strangle you.

5. Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

6. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that your ex is really dying for you to call them at 4:00 in the morning.

7. Consumption of alcohol may cause serious rug burns on the forehead and chin area.

8. Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really big guy named Bubba.

9. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

10. Consumption of alcohol may cause a flux in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to disappear.

11. Consumption of alcohol may result in pregnancy.

12. Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the heck happened to your pants.

13.Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can drive better and faster than Mario Andretti.

14.Consumption of alcohol may lead to a sudden increase in gravity.

I think your #14 is covered by #7  

15.Consumption of alcohol may make you pray to the porcelain god.  

16. Consumption of alcohol may make you think you're great at karaoke.

17. Consumption of alcohol may cause brewers droop... despite the illusion that you're one very studly 'casanova'

18. Consumption of alcohol may cause vertigo and/or the ceiling to spin.

19. Instant idiot... just add alcohol.

20 Consumption of alcohol may lead you to say things like "I'm not as think as you drunk I am".

  

21. Consumption of alcohol may lead you to ......

Zubaz gets a job at a Psychiatric Hospital. (Shut -up)

He has to take a new orderly around and introduce him to the patients.

They go into the first room and the guy in the room, with fists clenched together is swinging at the air. The orderly asks 'What are you doing?' The patient replies "I'm practicing my baseball. When I get out of here, I'm gonna be the worlds greatest baseball player" The orderly smiles and says "Good for you." and they move on to the next room.

In the next room, the man is hopping from side to side, swinging at the air with his right fist. The orderly asks "What are you doing?" The patient replies "I'm practicing my tennis. When I get out of here, I'm gonna be the worlds greatest tennis player." The orderly smiles and says "Good for you." and they move on to the next room.

In the third room, a man is standing, staring at the floor and with both fists clenched together, swings at his feet. The orderly asks "What are you doing?" The man says "I'm parcticing my golf. When I get out of here, I'm gonna be the worlds greatest golfer." The orderly smiles and says "Good for you." and they move on to the next room.

Zubaz and the orderly open the door to the fourth room. They are confronted by a man, sitting naked on the floor, masturbating into a giant sandwhich bag of walnuts. The orderly gasps "WHAT are you DOING?" To which the patient replies 'I'm fucking nuts and I'm never getting out of here!"

Zubaz replies "No you're not. You're a fucking mime!" (See post #146)

OK, this isn't a joke as such, but I thought this Fisherman's Friend ad was funny... WWW Link

Nice friend  

RECTUM STRETCHER
> (if you don't laugh at this one, there is something wrong.)
>
> While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge
> only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
>
> The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing
> smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'
>
> To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'
>
> 'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
>
> I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.
>
> The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum
> stretcher do?'
>
> 'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two
> fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to
> side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it,
> until it's about 6 feet wide.'
>
> 'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole? ' he asked.
>
> 'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'
>
> Traffic Ticket - $95.00
> Court Costs - $45.00
> Look on the Cop's Face...............PRICELESS

The George W Bush Presidential Library is now in the planning stages.
The Library will include:

The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.
The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won't be able to remember anything.
The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't even have to show up.
The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in.
The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.
The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, which no one has been able to find.
The National Debt Room, which is huge and has no ceiling.
The Tax Cut Room, with entry only to the wealthy.
The Economy Room, which is in the toilet.
The Iraq War Room. (After you complete your first tour, they make you to go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth tour.)
The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with shotgun gallery.
The Environmental Conservation Room, still empty.
The Supreme Court Gift Shop, where you can buy an election.
The Airport Men's Room, where you can meet some of your favorite Republican Senators.
The Decider Room, complete with dart board, magic 8-ball, Ouija board, dice, coins, and straws.

Note: The museum will feature an electron microscope to help you locate and view the President's accomplishments.

THE HUSBAND STORE........



A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman
may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a
description of how the store operates:


You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of
the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may
choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next
floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!


So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first
floor the sign on the door reads:


Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.


She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.


'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'


So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:


Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good
Looking.


'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking
and Help With Housework.


'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'


Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:


Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous,
Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign
reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that
women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the
Husband Store.


**PLEASE NOTE:***


To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store
just across the street.


The first floor has wives that love sex.


The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and enjoy cooking.


The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.





O’BOY

Things you would never know if it weren't for the movies...

Large, loft apartments in New York City are plentiful and affordable, even if the tenants are unemployed.

One of a pair of identical twins is evil.

Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry about which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

It doesn't matter if you are greatly outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one... dancing around in a threatening manner until you have dispatched their predecessors.

When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible but slightly blue.

If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to be a world-famous expert on nuclear fission, dinosaurs, hieroglyphics, or anything else, at the age of 22.

Honest and hard-working policemen are usually gunned down a day or two before retirement.

Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their enemies using complex machinery involving fuses, deadly gasses, lasers, buzz saws and hungry sharks, all of which will give their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

During all crime investigations, it is necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

All beds have special L-shaped covers that reach up to the armpits of a woman but only to the waist of the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one French bread and one bunch of carrots with leafy tops.

It's easy to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off, even while scuba-diving or fighting aliens. However if you are overweight, your mascara will run and your lipstick will smear.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.

A man will show no pain while taking the most horrific beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is what they happened to be wearing when the car broke down.

If someone says "I'll be right back", they won't.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel from time to time.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

A police detective can only solve a case after he has been suspended from duty.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you will be able to mirror all the steps you come up with, and hear the music in your head.

Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure each is assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

And they keep going past the same tree over and over again.



Even while is under very, very close surveillance by the dep't because he too is now a suspect.



And every alien on every planet that Captain Kirk goes to speaks English.

Even more amazing... Jessica Fletcher has seen more murders in a single series than any normal person would see in a lifetime... or three.

And in every house that Jennifer love-Hewitt ever visits there is an unhappy ghost whispering to her.

All in the same small town.  

Hehe! Now I know why it went off air... everybody in town got bumped off.

A blond teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.




'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How much will you charge me?' Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?' The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?' He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?' The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.' Later that day, the blone came to the door to collect her money.



'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.




'Yes, the blond replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.' Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.



'And by the way,' the blond added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus'.

  

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the lst hole at the local golf course, when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them. "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't show up."
Sure they said, you're welcome to join us..

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer what he did for a living. I'm a hitman was his reply. The two friends thought he was joking.."I'm not" the hit man replied. He reached into his golf bag and pulled out a beautiful Martini snipers rifle with a large telescopic sight..

Those are my tools.."That is a beautiful telescopic sight said the other friend. "Can I take a look" he said, I think I can see my house from here...

"Wow! I can see my wife in my bedroom. Ha! Ha! I can see she is naked..HEY, wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her....and he's naked too!". He turned to the hit man and asked, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, $1,000 every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me right now?" First shoot my wife in the mouth, she has always been a bit mouthy, and then the neighbor... he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.

The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing still for several minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not? asked the friend impatiently."

"Just be patient" said the hit man, "I think I can save you $1,000..."

Ha... I get it 2 for 1  

Here are some pretty solid reasons why alcohol should be served at work...

It's an incentive to show up.

It leads to more honest communications.

It reduces complaints about low pay.

Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

It encourages car pooling.

Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.

It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

It makes fellow employees look better.

It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.

It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.

Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.

Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.

Sitting "bare ass" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."

Not having to worry about your wife being mad when you come home wasted - its your job!

Any sick days taken would be completely genuine.

you can take longer and more frequent bathroom breaks.