Beautiful!

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, fucking beautiful!'"

Definitely!

One day the teacher wanted the class to use the word definitely in a sentence. Suzy raised her hand so she called on her. She said: the sky is definitely blue! I'm sorry Suzy thats wrong the sky sometimes turns different colors red ,gray etc.. any body else? Timmy raised his hand and said: the grass is definitely green. I'm sorry Timmy that's not true either, sometimes the grass dies and it may turn brown, anybody else? Little Johnny raises his hand and says: Teacher do farts have lumps? The teacher says,no why? Johnny says: Then I definitely Shit my pants!

Overworked

For a couple of years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I've found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"

Three women are about to be executed. One''s a brunette, one''s a redhead, and one''s a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aime¦"

Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim¦"

Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aime¦"

And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first
witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and
asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since
you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me.
You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about
them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the
brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit
paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the
room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't
build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the
worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three
different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet
voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send
you to the electric chair."

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

Dad and Dave were vying for the affections and hand in marriage of Mable, who, although she fancied Dave the most, still couldn't make up her mind as to who would be the lucky suitor...

While Dave was young, handsome and strapping, with a good sense of humour and how to treat a woman, Dad was still rather fit, healthy and active for his age, and he also had a good sense of humour, fair play and how to treat a lady...

Now Mable was a fair-minded woman and decided that the best way to decide which of them to marry was to run a series of contests, and the overall winner would be the one she'd marry.

Well, they were evenly matched in most of the contests - Dave would narrowly win one race, Dad would narrowly win the next, and so on - so Mable was still none the wiser and becoming rather confused as to who she would eventually marry, though inwardly she did rather fancy Dave the most....

"OK then," says Mable: "We'll now go down to Deep Deep Water Creek for the swimming contest... I will go across to the other side, you will both swim across to meet me, and the first one to reach the bank on the other side will be my bridegroom."

Well, as first thought, Dave took a commanding lead and was about 10 feet away from the bank when Mable thought she's give him a quickie before their nuptials, at which point Dave slowed to almost stopped and Dad won the race by 9 feet...

Although Mable was a little disappointed that Dave didn't win, Dad wasn't such a bad catch after all, and she would marry him as agreed because of her sense of fair play... so the next day Dad and Mable were married, and Dave was the best man...

During the reception, Mable had a quiet moment and approached Dave to ask why he had lost the swimming contest when he was so close to winning...

"Well it's like this, Mable... when you took off all your clothes, my rudder got stuck in the mud."

How to guess a woman's age



A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.

She spends $5,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I guess about 29." The woman replies, "Nope I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30." Again she proudly responds, "I am 50, but thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eye sight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast...He gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says. "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"

The old man replies, "promise you won't get mad?" "I promise! I won't" she says.

He replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

The Angel Atop The Tree Tradition...

One Christmas, Santa was having a really bad day. The local elves union was up in arms over their contract and were threatening a walk-out. Mrs. Clause was pissed that Santa was never around to appreciate all of the hard work she had been doing around the house. Santa decided he needed to go home, sit in front of a fire and relax.

When he got there, Mrs. Clause was all up in his face and wouldn't let down. Then, there was a knock on the door. It was Rudolph. He said the reindeer were sick and tired of Santa not upgrading to the new lightweight sliegh and they were joining the elves walkout. Santa slammed the door and threatend "The next person who knocks on that door is gonna get it!"

At that time, there was a knock on the door. Santa flung the door open and there stood a tiny little angel. The angel had been searching for the perfect Christmas tree for Santa's house all day long, until it found the perfect one. The little angel asked, "Santa, I was wondering where you would like me to stick this tree?"

And that is the story of how the angel atop the tree tradition began.

There I was on my way to shop at Wal-Mart ...Getting into a fight was the farthest thing from my mind. Wasn't even on the horizon ... I was in a great mood...And then...I rear-ended a car.


So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car. . . (and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny)?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it ... He was a DWARF! He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I look down at him and said, 'Well, which one are you then?'

And that's when the fight started.

Guy with a huge frog on his head walks into a bar and orders himself a beer... much to the surprise (and amusement) of the barman. It's a very busy bar and the barman is called away to serve other patrons so he is unable to immediately quiz the guy about the frog on his head... tho he is constantly reminded of its presence by several loud croaks coming from the guy's direction.

After serving several other customers, the barman is called to serve the 'frog' guy another beer: "Excuse me, but I couldn't help but notice the huge frog on your head, would you mind telling me how you came to be wearing a frog on your head?"

After a brief silence, the frog replies: "It started out as a wart on my arse!" ;p

Many thanks to all of you for keeping this thread going. I so enjoy these morning chuckles.

 :CONGRAT: 

Guy in a pink suit, carrying a pink purse and a pink umbrella, walks into a bikers bar, saunters up to the barkeep and orders himself a pink gin. He's not been there too long when he spots this 240 pound 6' 6" biker, who looks rather agro and as mean as a cut snake... not that that deters him, as he pulls up a stool beside him and tries to strike up a conversation between them....

The biker isn't too interested in the conversation but lets go a few grunts and other guttural sounds every so often to acknowledge what was said. This, however, was mistakenly taken by the 'pink suited' guy as a sign of acceptance, so he puts his hand on the biker's knee.

With that, the biker jumped up and grabbed the pink suited guy, lifted him above his head, twirled him around several times and then hurled him right across the room, thus smashing him up against the wall on the other side...

For good measure, he then grabs the umbrella and sticks it where the sun don't shine.... but the the pink suited guy, obviously a glutton for punishment, is crying out: "Oh open it!!! For God's sake, open it!!" ;p

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon



THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity

2. Anti-constitutionalistically

3. Passive-aggressive disorder

4. Tran substantiate



THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. No thanks, I'm married.

2. Nope, no more booze for me!

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.

5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.

7. I'm not interested in fighting you.

8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!

9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.

10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

Flooding Survival Kit



Toilet Paper......................................check

Bud Light..........................................check

Keystone Ice.....................................check

Budweiser....................................... check

Red Dog...........................................check

Misc. other bottles of alcohol..............check

Piece of plywood to float your
old lady and booze on ...................... double check

Are you tired of those asinine "friendship" poems with decent intentions, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here's a collection of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused - I will use little words.

7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

Friendship is like pissing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.

 :LOL: 

This is not a Zubaz joke :LOL: 

Can You Read This? Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55% of plepoe can. I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but teh wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

Three mimes and Zubaz walk into a bar.

They sit at the bar and the bartender asks "What'll you have?"

Zubaz orders a Double Flaming Nipple.

The bartender warily looks at the first mime and asks "what'll you have?" The mime leaps from the bar stool and begins hopping, six feet in the air, back and forth across the bar. Zubaz looks at the bartender and says "He would like a Grasshopper." at which point the mime takes his seat again, smiling.

The bartender looks at the second mime and asks 'What'll you have?" The mime jumps up on the bar and goes into a low crouch, arms folded and begins kicking his legs as he hops. He kicks beer mugs back into the wall and sends the peanuts all across the floor. The bartender starts yelling and Zubaz interupts..."He'll have a White Russian." at which point the second mime takes his seat, smiling.

The bartender, a little upset, looks at the third mime. "And what'll you have?" The mime pulls out a big sandwich bag full of walnuts and pulls out his pecker and immediately begins to masturbate into the bag of walnuts.

"HEY!" the bartender yells. "What the hell do you think you're doing?!?!"

Zubaz looks at the mime and then at the bartender. "He's fucking nuts. He'll drink anything."

:LOL: :LOL:

 :LOL: 

Did Zubaz read this? :LOL:

Due to the lack of death threats I would assume it is safe to guess he hasn't yet. :LOL: