Unfortunately this is too true. Sure explains why they will
 spend millions to get elected to a job that only pays
 thousands. It is the great Perks that go with it. We should
 be so lucky at our Job oportunities !!

 
 
 
       Dear Boss,
 
       I have enjoyed working here these past several years.
 You have paid me very well, given me benefits beyond belief.
  I have 3-4 months off per year and a pension plan that will
 pay my salary till the day I die and a health plan that most
 people can only dream about.
 
       Despite this I plan to take the next 12-18 months to
 find a new position.
 
       During this time I will show up for work when it is
 convenient. In addition I fully expect to draw my full
 salary and all the other perks associated with my current
 job.
 
       Oh yeah, if my search for this new job proves
 fruitless, I will be back with no loss in pay or
       status. Before you say anything, remember that you
 have no choice in the matter. I can and will do this.
 
       Sincerely, Every Senator or Congressman running for
 President.
 
       Try that at your job and tell me how it works out.

I swear I was talking about that with my s.o. last nite!

Him and Her...

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Married men lived longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage and after marriage.

If a man says something but there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?

"I didn't know what happiness was until I got married ... but then it was too late."

Q: What's the dirrefence between boys and men?  A: Men's toys are more expensive.

Q: What is the best way for a man to remember his wedding anniversary?  A: Forget it once.

Q What's the penalty for bigamy?  A Two Mother-in-laws!

Thanks on a crappy Monday!

Groucho: "I was married by a Judge. I should have asked for a jury!".

My first wife married me for my money... when she found out I wasn't loaded I didn't have enough to buy her a one-way ticket across town.

My second wife married me for my looks... then she had her eyes tested and got glasses: still didn't have enough money to buy her a one-way ticket across town.

My third wife married me for my brains... now I have enough for a one-way ticket across town and she doesn't want to use it.

Two airplane mechanics were sitting around on a foggy day in Canberra (no flights) when one said to the other, "Iy 'ear you can get really stoned on jet fuel." His buddy said, "No flights, let's 'ave at it."

To make a short story long, next morning one calls the other and asked, "Hey, that was great and no hangover! But have yer tooted yet?"

"Naaaah, woy?"

"Coz oy just landed in London!"

(For my mate wot likes Curried Cabbage, and lives in Oz)

Reply #201 is the American version.

GETTING EVEN

 A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to go down on me  during the way?" "What?! Get Out of my cab, you scum." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result - getting kicked out of each taxi. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "O.K." and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.

Sorry Al Monty! Hadn't seen it!

Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
========================================================

Q What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
==========================================

Q. What's the definition of macho?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
=============================================

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
=============================================

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?

A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
================================================

Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
==============================================

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.
========================================

Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.
===============================================

Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?

A. About three inches.
==========================================

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.
==========================================

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
=========================================

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

A. The swallow.
========================================

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

New Financial Terms :

CEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO - Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET - A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET - A 6-to-18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING - The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER - What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR - Your life in a nutshell.

Is this wrong?

There are many signs you need to watch out for that could mean you are yet another surf junkie addicted to the internet...

You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com

You turn off your modem and get this empty feeling, like you just pulled the pin on a loved one.

You start introducing yourself as "Jon at AOL dot com"

Your wife drapes a blonde wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

All of your friends have an @ in their names.

You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.

Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

You laugh at people with 14,400 baud modems.

You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

You tell the cab driver you live at http://69.luck.street/house/bluetrim.html

Your spouse makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."

You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a commode.

You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :^)

You turn on your computer, and turn off your spouse.

Your best friend is someone you've never met.

Your spouse says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer, and install a second phone line so you can chat.

You begin to wonder how on earth your service provider is allowed to call 200 hours per month "unlimited."

Your dog has its own home page.

So does your gold fish.

Three men lived together a son, a father and a grandfather.  One evening the son gets bored and goes down the pub around 7.00 pm and doesn't get home again 'til 2.00 in the morning, and the father says: "Son, where have you been all this time we've been worried about you?"

"Well it's like this, dad, I met up with an old flame and we went back to her place for drinks... and one thing led to another. Oh, and what passion!"

A few nights later the father gets bored and goes down the pub around 6.30. pm and doesn't get home until 9.00 am the next morning, and the gandfather says: "Son, where have you been all this time, we've been worried sick about you?"

"We'll it's like this, dad, I went down the pub and met an old flame, and after a few drinks we decided to get a room.... and what passion, what passion"

About a week later the grandfather gets bored and decides to go to the pub, but he's gone for 5 days and the son and grandson are frantic with worry, so when he gets home they both front him: "Well where the hell have you been all this time, we've been going out of our minds with worry?

"Well it's like this, I went to the pub and met an old flame, who asked me back to her place to catch up on 'old times'.... oh and what patience, what patience.

It can't?   

@Starkers:

In school they told me "Practice makes perfect." Then they told me "No one is perfect."

So I stopped practicing.

Is this allegorical?

Moose Hunting

Two Swedes - Sven and Ole - got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six.
As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.
Sven and Ole objected strongly, "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same type plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six moose were loaded.
Even on full power, however, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off.
Climbing out of the wreck Sven asked Ole, "Any idea where we are?"
"Yaaah ai tink vi are pretty close to vere vi crashed last year."

A Letter From A Redneck Mother To Her Son

Dear Son,
I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes. About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down. Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.
Love, Ma

Very similar to "A Letter From An Irish Mother To Her Son"... only in that one there was: "Yer Uncle Paddy joined the IRA last week and died yesterday trying to blow up a car parked outside a police station... he burnt his lips something awful on the exhaust pipe, but it was the fumes that eventually took him."

To replies #258 & #259

  After burner

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes..........nothing, she's been told twice.    ( I'm gonna get it for that)

How many battered women does it take to put in a light bulb........just one, if the _______ knows whats good for her.   ( The devil made me do it)

Ladies, if you're reading this, I am not a male chauvinist pig, I just like jokes.

What do you call a vegetarian with diarrea......salad shooter. 

What do you call a fat lady with a yeast infection.....a whopper with cheese.   (There goes my promotion)

Umm...