A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
 

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.
 

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
 

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.
 

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

 A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart.

When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing.
The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"

"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"

"I'm a gynecologist."

 Actual writings on hospital charts by Doctors:

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills , but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert butforgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

A lawyer and a Mexican are sitting next to each other on a long flight.  

While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.

"People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems."

"Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?"
They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can."

The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."

The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."

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 Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath.

Just as he became comfortable, the doorbell rang.
The man got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe and went to the door.

A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any brushes.
Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.

The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and robe, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell backward, and hit his back against the hard porcelain bathtub.

Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.

After examining him, the doctor said, "You know, you've been lucky.
Nothing is broken. But you need to relax...
Why don't you go home and take a long hot bath?"

ALMonty:

What? I thought it was funny.

Me too... pictured the whole thing in my mind (the gyno's funeral) and near peed myself.

Eww  

Um, Pixeleo, like um, you can't picture it and see the funny side???   Oh, and I DID NOT nearly pee myself, it's just another way of saying I had a good belly laugh over the joke.

It would have been really funny if he said he was a Proctologist.

A city slicker shoots a duck out in the country. As he's retrieving it, a farmer walks up and stops him, claiming that since the duck is on his farm, it technically belongs to him. After minutes of arguing, the farmer proposes they settle the matter "country style."

"What's country style?" asks the city boy.

"Out here in the country," the farmer says, "when two fellers have a dispute, one feller kicks the other one in the balls as hard as he can. Then that feller, he kicks the first one as hard as he can. And so forth. Last man standin' wins the dispute."

Warily the city boy agrees and prepares himself. The farmer hauls off and kicks him in the groin with all his might. The city boy falls to the ground in the most intense pain he's ever felt, crying like a baby and coughing up blood. Finally he staggers to his feet and says, "All right, n-now it's–it's m-my turn."

The farmer grins. "Aw, hell, you win. Keep the duck."

And of course, given my wickedly wacky mind/sense of humour, it'd have to open with one ginormous fart for authenticity/a bit of realism so the mourners know exactly what he had to contend with professionally.   I had anoth.... almost had another thought, but even my warped sense of humour couldn't cope with the visual of that one.

 An Aussie bloke goes to the UK on a working holiday and scores himself this great
position as a sales assistant at the famous Harrods department store the very day
he lands in London. The next day he goes to work and is called to the manager's
office just before closing time to assess his first day's taking and sales ability.

The manager asks him: "So how many sales did you make today, Marty?"

Marty replies nervously: "Um, just the one, sir"

"You were here all day and you only made one sale?" the manager angrily retorts.

"Yes sir.... I sold a fishing hook..."

"What, just a fishing hook?"

"Well not just a fishing hook, sir, I sold him some line a couple of reels and rods as well"

That's a little better, but is that all you managed to sell all day?"

No sir, I then sold him a tackle box; a fish finder;, life jackets; wading boots; a short wave
radio; a radar/sonar system; a fish fridge........"

What! You sold him ALL THAT STUFF?"

Yes sir, and a 22' boat, a trailer to take it to the boat ramp and a Land Rover 4WD to tow it with.

"Really?" said the manager: "You managed to sell him 450, 000 pounds worth of stuff when he came in here just for a fish hook?"

"Nah, he came in to buy tampons for his wife, and I said:  'Well if you're weekend's fucked, you might just as well go fishing.' "

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the famous
Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while he was
gone. A few days later, he received this report:

Most Honorable Sir:

You leave house.
I watch house.
He come to house. I watch.
He and she leave house. I follow.
He and she go in hotel. I climb tree.
I look in window.
He kiss she. She kiss he.
He strip she. She strip he.
He play with she. She play with he.
I play with me. I fall out of tree.
I not see.

No Fee,

Chen Lee

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself."
So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
Her husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Friday.

A group of kindergarteners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
"I went to visit my 'Nana'," said Chris.
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!" said the teacher.
She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
"I took a ride on a choo choo," said Mitchell.
She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words."
She then asked little Alec what he had done.
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the SHIT."

Subject: Rule of thumb

The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.

Small thumbs!

A few days before christmas a mailman is dropping off mail on a porch when the door opens and a beautiful blonde wearing sexy lingerie invites him inside.  She has sex with him, then hands him a single dollar bill and tells him to get out.

He's like, "What's going on?!?"

She says, "Well, my husband and I were thinking what to get people for christmas, and when I asked about the mailman he said 'Fuck the mailman!  Give him a dollar and throw him out!'"

Nope... I've been busy checking the other appendage, and wondering why it is three times shorter than my thumb... and shoot, we're coming into Summer here in Oz, so I can't even blame the cold weather.

Religions of the World

Here's the list:

1. Taoism - Shit happens.
2. Hare Krishna - Shit happens rama rama ding ding.
3. Hindusim - This shit happened before.
4. Islam - If shit happens, take a hostage.
5. Zen - What is the sound of one shit happening?
6. Buddhism - When shit happens, is it really shit?
7. Confusianism - Confucias say, "Shit happens".
8. 7th Day Adventist - Shit happens on Saturdays.
9. Protestantism - Shit won't happen if I work harder.
10. Catholocism - If shit happens, I deserve it.
11. Jehova's Witness - Knock, knock, "Shit happens!"
12. Unitarian - What is this shit?
13. Mormon - Shit happens again and again and again ...
14. Judaism - Why does this shit always happen to me?
15. Rastafarianism - Let's smoke this shit!