What he is like

Reply #1 August 7, 2006 8:38 PM from JoeUser Forums Top

Oh chick, you so need a cuddle right now! If only I was a little closer. I do feel you are beating yourself up far to much over this. You are honest about how you feel, and this new boy knows where he stands. He is a big boy (you can email me that info...haha) and he can make his own decisions, so quit worrying, and enjoy having a decent guy about the place!

Love is an intense feeling, and not one that is easily shaken off, and it shouldn't be. Time is the best healer, and you shouldn't punish yourself because you feel you don't deserve to be happy because you have feelings for someone?

You are a wonderful chick, please try and worry less (easier said than done, I know) and enjoy things! If you finish with the fella for the reasons stated above you will get a sally style telling off! Be warned Missy!

Reply #2 August 7, 2006 9:03 PM from JoeUser Forums Top

Yeah i think I need a cuddle too. I dont know why this is happening to me. I should be happy and all. My mind is just too troubled. I cant think properly, I feel so guilty, as if I was cheating on Darren, but it's not the case. And I know it.

Heh, sometimes I even wonder if Darren didnt put a spell on me, hahahaha!!!

But thank you for commenting sweety, you know how much I appreciate it!

He is a big boy (you can email me that info...haha)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Naughty Sally, dont you know that size doesnt matter?! hahaha!!

Reply #3 August 7, 2006 9:50 PM from JoeUser Forums Top

OK, here I go being a wise (hopefully not ass!) but live in the moment. Accept it, enjoy it, you deserve it!

Now stop worrying about Darren and just enjoy what you got honey. They don't come like that all the time. Seriously!

And if this still continue, you've got to get closure on the ex as soon as possible Em. Otherwise...if there's not a chance of you two getting back together, you're going to be cheating yourself.

I'm done preaching now! Love and hugs! PS...totally, totally enjoy yourself!

Reply #4 August 7, 2006 9:57 PM from JoeUser Forums Top

If you've told Yohan about your feelings and he is still hanging around, then you must be doing something right. If I were you, I'd follow the advice both Sally and Serenity have given you and enjoy yourself. They're smart ladies and know what they're talking about. Me, on the other hand, I'm just a grizzled old man who wishes he was 20 years younger so I could give the wonderful ladies here at JU a run for their money

Reply #5 August 7, 2006 11:54 PM from JoeUser Forums Top

Thanks serenity, i dont know why i worry so much damn it!!!!!! I'll try and enjoy it the best i can

Maso, yeah those two are smart ladies indeed, we'll see how it goes then. Thanks you guys, i do need some encouragement, i feel a bit crashed by the weight of this new relationship.

Reply #6 August 8, 2006 7:10 AM from JoeUser Forums Top

I have no wise words.  I think Forever and Sally have some good advice as I guess they have a better perspective.  Whatever comes about, I wish you well.  And hope that you find the peace of mind you are looking for.

Reply #7 August 8, 2006 9:23 AM from JoeUser Forums Top

From a mans point of view, I know what it's like to fall for someone and not stop thinking about them even after many many years. I moved to Puerto Rico about 3 years ago, I'm married and have 2 kids. While I was there, I was in a way hoping to bump in to an old girlfriend from when I was in the 6th grade. I never forgot about her, I always said she was the one for me. Don't get me wrong, i love my wife and would never want to do her wrong, but inside of me was the curiosity to see the ex again. Incredibly I did, and she was looking better than ever. She was a teacher which made it even more of a temptation. I eventually started to talk to her and we had a friendly relationship again. I however felt something from her, as if she was trying to reach out to me while at the same time she wasn't. She was suppose to be a religious person who is not suppose to do these things but trust me, I know when someone is trying. I felt the need to follow thru cause , as I said before, I always thought of her to be the one. I then realized what i was doing and backed off. I never went back to see her, I eventually left Puerto Rico and never looked back.

My point is it's not easy to forget and having the peson around does not help either. But it can be done, it takes time, patience and a little bit of will power. You just have to convince yourself that you can survive without him. Try to enjoy your time with Yohan, you never know. Maybe someday he will do something that will wow you to the point of saying "Darren who?".

And if not, there will always be someone else, other than Darren. I feel you, I've been there before. This from a guy, the world is coming to an end.

Reply #8 August 8, 2006 10:34 AM from JoeUser Forums Top

IG,

My thoughts are bouncing all over the place on this issue. If it is okay, when I can obtain a clearer thought I'll chime in. Deal?

Reply #9 August 8, 2006 4:29 PM from JoeUser Forums Top

I know what it's like to fall for someone and not stop thinking about them even after many many years.

Me too. Wished I had some wise words, Em but I do not.

Link

Reply #10 August 8, 2006 5:41 PM from JoeUser Forums Top

Hey you guys I appreciate all comments and all advises, dont be afraid to slap some sense into my little head.

DrGuy:

Whatever comes about, I wish you well. And hope that you find the peace of mind you are looking for.

Thanks Doc... I hope so too...

Charles.C:

My point is it's not easy to forget and having the peson around does not help either. But it can be done, it takes time, patience and a little bit of will power. You just have to convince yourself that you can survive without him.

I think the key word is willpower. I know I can live without Darren, I've survived all this months without him. I think theres part of me that isnt willing to let him go. I dont know why. Maybe because the way we parted it seemed that there was still hope for us to be together again somewhere along the line.

Adventure-Dude:

If it is okay, when I can obtain a clearer thought I'll chime in. Deal?

Thats a deal, please dont forget about me.

Joe:
Its ok to not have wise words, the fact that you're here and that you care is comforting enough sweety, xoxo.

Reply #11 August 8, 2006 7:11 PM from JoeUser Forums Top

IG,

There are two things I see. You have a need/desire for affection that is being received in cuddling (one of my favs by the way). But you clearly have another MO going on right now in your own Psyche. I would caution you that this attraction to your ex may destroy anything you may have with this guy and while he may enjoy you coming to him (kind of a guy thing as he probably feels like a super hero) this seems kind of unfair to him. The last thing I would want you to do is use this guy until you gain closure from the ex. I guess I oppose those on here. Involving this guys feelings in a 'false' relationship usually adds up to heartbreak (especially if he's the nice guy type). Please put yourself in Yohan's shoes in this case. As for me I know that some of the most painful heartbreaks were with a girl who never really was interested in me. I was the guy who helped pick up the pieces. Is this the same for him?

I don't know if you have considered taking a proactive approach to gaining closure. One method that I know is pretty often used is writing a letter to the 'ex'. Once you finish the letter DO NOT give it to that would be a terrible mistake. Take it to the trash can and rip it in to pieces recognizing that this letter is symbolic of this past relationship. In a sense this 'breaking up' is like a mini divorce. It's painful and it takes time. I don't know how long you were with him but the time you were is time invested in him. Just to give you a statistic it takes about 1/5 of the time you were together to gain closure from the relationship (ie if you were together 5 months it would take approx 1 month to gain closure). If you are still within this 'grieving' period then this should make sense because it sounds like you are grieving over the loss of this relationship. If you are interested in other closure methods I would be happy to help. Just don't want to give more information than what would be desired (although me thinks I already do ).

Hope that helps.

AD

Reply #12 August 8, 2006 7:39 PM from JoeUser Forums Top

As I read...these guys make all the right points. I'm just going to focus this in my own words.

You're still getting over this last guy, eh? Well, that can take quite awhile. Adventure-Dude gave you the statistics...sometimes it takes longer though. I say hang on to the new guy if you like him. What you need now is affection and support and that will help you move on...it's so much harder alone, but when someone else comes along...it helps to free the mind. You had a bond, and when bonds are broken it leaves you broken....but, all is not lost. You can be healed, fixed up...however you want to put it. Just take it slow, and don't worry so much. Easier said than done, eh? But, that's what you've got to do. In other words...just relax and take life as it comes.

Well, there you have the wisdom of an 18-year-old...take it as you wish. Hope I made sense in there and I hope it helps. I tend to ramble.

~Zoo

Reply #13 August 8, 2006 9:40 PM from JoeUser Forums Top

A-D:
See this is exactly how I feel. I know its not fair to him. And I've been in the situation in which he is now. And I've suffered (am still suffering) from it. It's not what I want for Yohan. He is a very nice guy and he deserves to be in a healthy relationship. Instead of being with someone as confused and messed up as me.
I do enjoy his company very much, he's fun, he's sweet, he's thoughtful... *sigh*

Something happened last night though, we met up down my building and my parents were there, so i introduced them, and i kinda felt legal, hahaha! As if all this time (one week) i was doing something wrong. But i felt relieved once they were introduced. I dont know whats going on in my head.

You know i will try that letter to the ex idea. I'll try anything to get over him now. I cant keep thinking about him like that. Like my friends say, i've waited long enough, and he hasnt changed.

I think I should talk with Yohan again. Maybe explain to him what happened with Darren and why it's going to take some time for me to feel something more than "i like you" heh. Or should i just break it off? What do you think AD?

Heya Zoo
I love the wisdom of an 18 year old! Can i be 18 again? Please?
You know I wish I could just take away these worries, but I kinda know what i'm doing is not fair. I dont want to hurt him, he's far too kind for that. But it's true that i feel ok with him. For some reason when i'm with him i feel like i'm under an angel's wing, i'm safe. Wish these other feelings of confusion would go away, that's all.

Reply #14 August 8, 2006 11:06 PM from JoeUser Forums Top

Or should i just break it off? What do you think AD?

Tough call. Here's the thing. If he IS MEANT for you he will wait for you. You know the good things are worth waiting for (and knowing you from JU I would say you fit this cat). We all go through issues and emotional times but these are not the times to start up a relationship either. If you decide to continue a friendship with Yohan I would suggest you be straight forward with him. Tell him what is going on and that you are not emotionally ready for any kind of relationship just yet. Make it clear in your mind that you are not ready to date yet and any fellas around must remain in the 'friend' category. I know this may seem unreasonable but like you said you have alot going on in your head. This clouds your judgement.

Here is the bottom line with what I am saying. If you don't confront the issues now they WILL come up later at a MUCH less desirable time. To be fair to your next relationship I strongly suggest doing so.

I don't know if Darren gave you gifts but I would suggest getting rid of them. At first it will be hard but this will also come with further closure. If you feel like you can open up to Yohan sharing what is going on then by all means I say go for it. Just becareful not to get to deep to quick. I would feel terrible if you said to much and it was used to hurt you later. But by speaking about it also helps to clear your head. Yohan must also understand that only YOU are allowed to bring this subject up! If he is a good guy I think he will respond and understand his invitation of being a friend. This will to a certain extend show his intentions.

You are a smart gurl with a good heart, always remember that. You have been in his position so remeber that. This gives you the unique perspective into him. You should be able to read him pretty well. Hope that helps.

Reply #15 August 8, 2006 11:08 PM from JoeUser Forums Top

I wish you well.

Reply #16 August 9, 2006 12:39 AM from JoeUser Forums Top

Thanks AD, i guess I knew all this but I needed someone to tell me. All I've heard so far is to enjoy this as a blessing and all. And it's very tempting to, but there's always a little worry at the back of my head, a little voice saying i'll hurt him sooner or later

Geez, i'm seeing him tonite, he's invited me to dinner at his sisters house *gulp* Tonight it's not going to be easy, damn it... But I really need to talk with him b4 it drives me insane...

I wish you well.

Thank you my friend, i kinda wish myself well too, heh!

Reply #17 August 9, 2006 12:48 AM from JoeUser Forums Top

I dont know about getting rid of his gifts, there are so many things and it's stuff i use daily. Theres a stereo, cds, dvds, clothes, jewellery, stuffed animals... I'll probably pack everything up in a box and leave it somewhere where i cant see it...

Reply #18 August 9, 2006 6:35 AM from JoeUser Forums Top

dont know about getting rid of his gifts, there are so many things and it's stuff i use daily. Theres a stereo, cds, dvds, clothes, jewellery, stuffed animals... I'll probably pack everything up in a box and leave it somewhere where i cant see it...

Consider this. Really think about what things are sentimental to you. Stereo probably not so much but jewelry and certain things that have close connection to your (romantic) thoughts of him. Favorite songs that you'd listen to together stuff like that. If you have further questions you know where to find me .

Geez, i'm seeing him tonite, he's invited me to dinner at his sisters house *gulp* Tonight it's not going to be easy, damn it... But I really need to talk with him b4 it drives me insane...

I would avoid the "we need to talk." as that is the single most dreaded words to many guys. Try a bit more tactful approach such as "I need to share something with you."

Thanks AD, i guess I knew all this but I needed someone to tell me. All I've heard so far is to enjoy this as a blessing and all. And it's very tempting to, but there's always a little worry at the back of my head, a little voice saying i'll hurt him sooner or later

Hey no problem. Just happy someone considers my advice of value. I would take into consideration the lil voice in your head. It obviously is telling you what you know you should do but just don't have the will power to do yet. Just realize the more you wait the more pain it will/may cause. Yes, I am well aware how much easier said than done this is.

As for the others' comments; WHO DOES'NT enjoy a lil cuddling! My concern is the end result as I think you are too. As I said before you have a good heart. It may be painful now but the more you take a proactive approach the sooner you'll be primed for the next relationship.

Reply #19 August 9, 2006 6:16 PM from JoeUser Forums Top

Thanks AD. Turns out I couldnt talk to him last night, since we were at his sister's house, it didnt seem appropriate, something like bad timing i suppose. It was a good night though I enjoyed it alot. He was very protective always holding my hand, making sure i felt comfortable... Did i mention he was sweet? Grrrr, i wish he wasnt so that it'd make things abit easier

I would avoid the "we need to talk." as that is the single most dreaded words to many guys. Try a bit more tactful approach such as "I need to share something with you."

Thanks for this advise. I nevr thought about it that way!

Reply #20 August 9, 2006 6:26 PM from JoeUser Forums Top

I would avoid the "we need to talk."

I should have warned you.  My wife did this to me (when we were dating) and I went "OMG!  WHat the hell did I do now!".

Turns out nothing, she just wanted to see me!

Reply #21 August 9, 2006 6:32 PM from JoeUser Forums Top

Grrrr, i wish he wasnt so that it'd make things abit easier

Don't give up hope. He sounds like a totally good guy. If he proves to be a good friend who will listen to you as you share who knows. But you need to be honest with him. I know that timing is so hard on such things. You may have to make an appointment with him in order to do this. Remember to breathe. I suspect you want a great relationship, why not start it on a note of honesty. Then he can choose whether to be the good friend or not. By exposing this you bring trust into the relationship. Trust is gained when we open up and make ourselves vulnerable.

And YES you mentioned he was sweet. Me thinks he sees a golden heart in me lady.

Reply #22 August 9, 2006 11:28 PM from JoeUser Forums Top

I should have warned you. My wife did this to me (when we were dating) and I went "OMG! WHat the hell did I do now!". Turns out nothing, she just wanted to see me!

hahahahahah!! I can imagine the sense of relief after you realized she just wanted to see you, lol! As women like to play little games with your minds from time to time, mwahahaha!!

Reply #23 August 9, 2006 11:37 PM from JoeUser Forums Top

I suspect you want a great relationship, why not start it on a note of honesty. Then he can choose whether to be the good friend or not

Well I've already told him about me still having feelings for someone else. I told him like the 2nd day we were seeing each other. And he is totally up to make me forget about Darren. I havent told him about the mess it's made in my head lately though. But I did start on a note of honesty. I dont think he realizes what he's putting himself into, and thats why i need to talk to him...

By exposing this you bring trust into the relationship. Trust is gained when we open up and make ourselves vulnerable

I totally agree dude.

And YES you mentioned he was sweet. Me thinks he sees a golden heart in me lady.

Awww, you're too nice!! Thank you AD

Reply #24 August 10, 2006 9:50 AM from JoeUser Forums Top

Much obliged. Sounds like you are on course now. I hope the letter and removing the sentimental items help to gain closure. Have a wonderful day.

AD

Reply #25 August 10, 2006 8:17 PM from JoeUser Forums Top

Well I started putting stuff aside, the jewellery + pictures + stuffed animals. The stereo is still there, the dvds and cds still at their place. Will deal with those later *sigh*