Females: Are they worth the trouble?
Who knows?
from 
JoeUser Forums
JoeUser Forums
I'm currently about ready to go to sleep, but I thought I should update everyone on everything, as far as I can.
I'm 21. There, everyone knows my age. Yes, 21. I've had one girlfriend, and she wasn't that great. I've been on dates with about four or five other girls, if you include taking one psychotic girl to prom. It's just that I've never head a real meaningful relationship, with love and trust on both sides, a deep caring for each other. Yes, I have friends that fill that gap, but let me explain.
I do not currently trust every little secret I have with any of my friends. Why? Maybe I'm scared, I don't know. It's not that I don't like my friends, or enjoy their company, it's just that I don't feel comfortable telling anyone everything. This blog might be my way of trying, but... I just don't know. Maybe this rant isn't going to go anywhere, I can't say.
I've been talking to a girl online, who lives half a country away, and I care for her. We've know each other for a little over a month, but I really, deep down, care for her. Sometimes she doesn't fill me in on things, but she tries, and I appreciate that. However, some nights (like tonight), she will leave with an almost angry amount of force, not telling me what is going on, leaving me bewildered. Yes, I care for her, but I'm not about to throw everything away by getting mad back at her. If she talks to me the next day, good, if it takes another day or two, I don't care. So long as she talks to me. I've lost too many friends, either from them moving away (personal note to those who know me: Noah, Liz in about a week, etc.), the military (Dan, Andy, Rob Rim), or something catostrophic (Crystal, rest her soul). I just can't bear to lose another friend, no matter how long I've known them. It's mostly my fault, simply because I care too much about people. But of those friends I do have, there is only one that I can tell most innermost secrets, and he lives an hour away. Yes, an hour isn't that far away, but when I have one weekend every four weeks off, and he works all week long, it's hard to get in contact with him. He really does mean a lot to me, and we will always be in some form of contact (AIM, phone) no matter how far away we live.
So why do I need a girlfriend? Maybe I'm not looking for a girl, maybe it's because I tend to get along with them slightly better, maybe I'm just an idiot. I'm not really looking for a girlfriend per se, I'm looking for someone that, no matter what, is happy to see me, who will hold me when I'm sad, a shoulder to cry on. Granted, I'll do that for them too (whoever they are), but I am looking for a special someone, not just anyone. Someone that will listen to everything I say, attempt to comment appropriately, and will just in general be there for me. Yes, all the terms I have set up will be reversible and I expect myself to do the same things, but in general, I want someone I can talk to any time, no matter what, when I need something.
Maybe it's hopeless, even though I haven't given up hope yet. I still search, every day (though not actively, just a passive looking) for the elusive "soul mate." Maybe I am looking for love, simply because my parents generally don't show me that much love. Yes, my dad has figured out a way for me to get out of debt. For what, though? I just want to enjoy life, and I thought I had plans to move away, or at least take a vacation away from this state, but I don't know anymore. Yes, I appreciate everything my parents have done for me, I just don't feel that loved anymore. It seems that the older I get, I want to be more independent, yet more dependent. I'm a living oxymoron.
Why do I need a girlfriend? Maybe I'm just more comfortable around girls, and I just want to feel safe. I want someone who I can hold, someone to protect, someone to comfort me no matter how bad a day I am having. Because of the things that happened to me in school (both high school and Jr. High), I have learned how to hide my emotions. My eyes typically show how I am feeling, but I can pull off a lie (I'm tired, or I have something in my eye...). Yes, I know, to sit and stew isn't a good thing, but sometimes I just need time to reflect.
To answer a few questions, yes, I am looking for love. However, I am looking for other reasons, not someone to complete me, someone to offer stability when the world goes crazy. I don't really have any stability in my life, seeing as how my job keeps messing with me (Damn Wal-Mart! Grrr!), and my hours are never the same (hrmm, 8 to 5 Saturday, 10 to 7 Sunday...). I just need someone that, when I get home, or get off work, will be there, waiting to ask me how I am, to be a little extra support when I need it. Maybe it's because I spread myself to thin (I am an emotional empath, and I try to help everyone I can), but... it's difficult. I am constantly trying to please everyone, I need someone there to tell me to calm down, to offer me advice. I'm losing my mind over here, trying to keep track of too many things, do too many things, I need that special someone to keep me focused, and tell me when to take a break. I just need someone!
I was going to put out an ad here, asking for females looking for a special someone, to contact me, but I decided I wouldn't get any remarks at all. I seem depressed here because, well, that's about the only time I post: late at night, when I feel extremely vulnerable, almost always after the far-away girl does something that makes me think I did something wrong. I really am a cheerful person (except at work), and I want nothing but happiness, for everyone.
Quick Update: Haven't posted it yet, so I don't know if it's an update or just a revision, but she isn't mad at me. I don't know what gets into me, I just feel like everyone... is always mad at me. Bah, I need sleep sometime, but I'm not that tired. Oh, yea, in case anyone was wondering, she was overwhelmed.
To my friends, you know who you are: This does not mean I "hate" you as a few of you think. I do not "hate" any of you, nor do I harbor any ill feelings. However, some days, it just seems that you ARE using me, even though you aren't. Maybe I'm just insecure, I don't know. Oh, Professor, Negotiator, you both owe me money, and you are welcome for the nice trip to Hardee's.
I'm 21. There, everyone knows my age. Yes, 21. I've had one girlfriend, and she wasn't that great. I've been on dates with about four or five other girls, if you include taking one psychotic girl to prom. It's just that I've never head a real meaningful relationship, with love and trust on both sides, a deep caring for each other. Yes, I have friends that fill that gap, but let me explain.
I do not currently trust every little secret I have with any of my friends. Why? Maybe I'm scared, I don't know. It's not that I don't like my friends, or enjoy their company, it's just that I don't feel comfortable telling anyone everything. This blog might be my way of trying, but... I just don't know. Maybe this rant isn't going to go anywhere, I can't say.
I've been talking to a girl online, who lives half a country away, and I care for her. We've know each other for a little over a month, but I really, deep down, care for her. Sometimes she doesn't fill me in on things, but she tries, and I appreciate that. However, some nights (like tonight), she will leave with an almost angry amount of force, not telling me what is going on, leaving me bewildered. Yes, I care for her, but I'm not about to throw everything away by getting mad back at her. If she talks to me the next day, good, if it takes another day or two, I don't care. So long as she talks to me. I've lost too many friends, either from them moving away (personal note to those who know me: Noah, Liz in about a week, etc.), the military (Dan, Andy, Rob Rim), or something catostrophic (Crystal, rest her soul). I just can't bear to lose another friend, no matter how long I've known them. It's mostly my fault, simply because I care too much about people. But of those friends I do have, there is only one that I can tell most innermost secrets, and he lives an hour away. Yes, an hour isn't that far away, but when I have one weekend every four weeks off, and he works all week long, it's hard to get in contact with him. He really does mean a lot to me, and we will always be in some form of contact (AIM, phone) no matter how far away we live.
So why do I need a girlfriend? Maybe I'm not looking for a girl, maybe it's because I tend to get along with them slightly better, maybe I'm just an idiot. I'm not really looking for a girlfriend per se, I'm looking for someone that, no matter what, is happy to see me, who will hold me when I'm sad, a shoulder to cry on. Granted, I'll do that for them too (whoever they are), but I am looking for a special someone, not just anyone. Someone that will listen to everything I say, attempt to comment appropriately, and will just in general be there for me. Yes, all the terms I have set up will be reversible and I expect myself to do the same things, but in general, I want someone I can talk to any time, no matter what, when I need something.
Maybe it's hopeless, even though I haven't given up hope yet. I still search, every day (though not actively, just a passive looking) for the elusive "soul mate." Maybe I am looking for love, simply because my parents generally don't show me that much love. Yes, my dad has figured out a way for me to get out of debt. For what, though? I just want to enjoy life, and I thought I had plans to move away, or at least take a vacation away from this state, but I don't know anymore. Yes, I appreciate everything my parents have done for me, I just don't feel that loved anymore. It seems that the older I get, I want to be more independent, yet more dependent. I'm a living oxymoron.
Why do I need a girlfriend? Maybe I'm just more comfortable around girls, and I just want to feel safe. I want someone who I can hold, someone to protect, someone to comfort me no matter how bad a day I am having. Because of the things that happened to me in school (both high school and Jr. High), I have learned how to hide my emotions. My eyes typically show how I am feeling, but I can pull off a lie (I'm tired, or I have something in my eye...). Yes, I know, to sit and stew isn't a good thing, but sometimes I just need time to reflect.
To answer a few questions, yes, I am looking for love. However, I am looking for other reasons, not someone to complete me, someone to offer stability when the world goes crazy. I don't really have any stability in my life, seeing as how my job keeps messing with me (Damn Wal-Mart! Grrr!), and my hours are never the same (hrmm, 8 to 5 Saturday, 10 to 7 Sunday...). I just need someone that, when I get home, or get off work, will be there, waiting to ask me how I am, to be a little extra support when I need it. Maybe it's because I spread myself to thin (I am an emotional empath, and I try to help everyone I can), but... it's difficult. I am constantly trying to please everyone, I need someone there to tell me to calm down, to offer me advice. I'm losing my mind over here, trying to keep track of too many things, do too many things, I need that special someone to keep me focused, and tell me when to take a break. I just need someone!
I was going to put out an ad here, asking for females looking for a special someone, to contact me, but I decided I wouldn't get any remarks at all. I seem depressed here because, well, that's about the only time I post: late at night, when I feel extremely vulnerable, almost always after the far-away girl does something that makes me think I did something wrong. I really am a cheerful person (except at work), and I want nothing but happiness, for everyone.
Quick Update: Haven't posted it yet, so I don't know if it's an update or just a revision, but she isn't mad at me. I don't know what gets into me, I just feel like everyone... is always mad at me. Bah, I need sleep sometime, but I'm not that tired. Oh, yea, in case anyone was wondering, she was overwhelmed.
To my friends, you know who you are: This does not mean I "hate" you as a few of you think. I do not "hate" any of you, nor do I harbor any ill feelings. However, some days, it just seems that you ARE using me, even though you aren't. Maybe I'm just insecure, I don't know. Oh, Professor, Negotiator, you both owe me money, and you are welcome for the nice trip to Hardee's.
