Tell me something I don't know....
So what's been going on?
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JoeUser Forums
*Disclaimer* Blog contains language. Reader discretion is advised.
I've been called many things in my life, but I've never let the word "nerd" or "geek" get under my skin until know. I was always proud of my "geek-ness", up until it gets to the point where I actually have to act like an adult, then I feel awkward. Most of the time, this pertains to having conversations with the opposite sex that I have an interest in.
So for the past couple of weeks at work, I've been hanging around this girl that is kinda cute, sassy, and a little quirky. We goof around and have fun when we have a little free time, but we never talked about anything serious. A lot of people were taking notice that we were "clicking" and thought we would be a good couple. I never put this into my mind because I'm still trying to get over the last relationships I've had, but I still would like to be friends. I just needed to get to know her better since we never had a real conversation.
She was supposedly going on a date with one of my other co-workers which didn't turn out so well, actually, it never happened. So the guys were saying, "Dude, it's your turn. Ask her out. She crazy about you." I was like, "Naw man, she just likes kidding around, she not interested in me." They were like "We see how she acts around you man. She's crazy about you. You should ask her out."
I started to think about all the things she would do, like walk half-way across the warehouse just to say hi or walk all the way down an aisle just to try and trip me up. I then got the thought, so I gave it a shot. I Came up to her one day, having the same goof-around session that we always do. Then I tried something different, I tried having a serious talk. But I kinda fucked up. Instead of just coming out and saying, "Hey, we should do something sometime." I tried a set-up basically asking what happen to the date that she was supposed to go on. She said that she couldn't picture herself with someone like that, she needed someone who was a little more "manly" and (in my words not hers) self-sufficient. I still should have ask, but my shit isn't exactly together right know, if it were a year ago, yes, but not know. I still should have asked though.
Instead, I felt awkward and just said, "cool" and walk off. Since then, things have been different between us. We don't goof around with one another anymore. We don't even talk anymore. In the past when we would pass each other on breaks, she would say something, but know, she seems like she's avoiding me. So, I figure I got to close, so I'll back off for a while. The the other day, we had a bit of an argument, which could have been avoided, but I heard all kinds of crap like She could get me to do what she wanted because I had a crush on her, but, I wasn't her type either since I was to "geeky". I wasn't her bitch, so I set her straight.
I know I should have taken the intuitive and asked, but I got scared, and even worse, the thing I was trying to avoid, ended up happening anyway. She had a thing for black guys, which is why they said I was on the list, but she would rather date a roughneck. Whatever. Plus, I don't need anyone telling me I'm a geek, nerd, or otherwise. I know what the fuck I am.
Am I a nerd? Yes
Am I a geek? Yes
Does this bother me that she thinks so? Yes, cause it didn't stop her from talking to me.
It's burned me up and added to the crap that I have tried to burn out of my system from way back when. I can't get rid of it so why bother. I figure that this is the way I am, if you don't like it, piss off. And don't come up to me pretending you like me just to get something. I would rather be alone than to compromise my integrity.
It's just that, that situation just hurt. I'm just 3 months removed from a personal fall out with some infantile, discourteous, pretentious, vainglorious, delusive, irremediable "friends" of mine anyway, so this didn't help me any. When I got off work Friday, I drove around a bit, listening to music, and trying to chill for a while. A song came on my CD that I just lost it to. "Pristina" by Faith No More. I haven't cried in a while, and thought I was incapable of doing so, but I had one. Fuck, why was this crap bothering me so much? Why am I getting emotional over someone who had no real interest in me to begin with? Why the fuck should I care? So many questions. I have no answers. I was always able to get out of a personal funk before, this time it just seems harder.
I'm not getting any younger... and the feelings of worthlessness is getting old. I guess I am actually burning out, or is it just a phase? I must be patient and see.
-peace
-mx
I've been called many things in my life, but I've never let the word "nerd" or "geek" get under my skin until know. I was always proud of my "geek-ness", up until it gets to the point where I actually have to act like an adult, then I feel awkward. Most of the time, this pertains to having conversations with the opposite sex that I have an interest in.
So for the past couple of weeks at work, I've been hanging around this girl that is kinda cute, sassy, and a little quirky. We goof around and have fun when we have a little free time, but we never talked about anything serious. A lot of people were taking notice that we were "clicking" and thought we would be a good couple. I never put this into my mind because I'm still trying to get over the last relationships I've had, but I still would like to be friends. I just needed to get to know her better since we never had a real conversation.
She was supposedly going on a date with one of my other co-workers which didn't turn out so well, actually, it never happened. So the guys were saying, "Dude, it's your turn. Ask her out. She crazy about you." I was like, "Naw man, she just likes kidding around, she not interested in me." They were like "We see how she acts around you man. She's crazy about you. You should ask her out."
I started to think about all the things she would do, like walk half-way across the warehouse just to say hi or walk all the way down an aisle just to try and trip me up. I then got the thought, so I gave it a shot. I Came up to her one day, having the same goof-around session that we always do. Then I tried something different, I tried having a serious talk. But I kinda fucked up. Instead of just coming out and saying, "Hey, we should do something sometime." I tried a set-up basically asking what happen to the date that she was supposed to go on. She said that she couldn't picture herself with someone like that, she needed someone who was a little more "manly" and (in my words not hers) self-sufficient. I still should have ask, but my shit isn't exactly together right know, if it were a year ago, yes, but not know. I still should have asked though.
Instead, I felt awkward and just said, "cool" and walk off. Since then, things have been different between us. We don't goof around with one another anymore. We don't even talk anymore. In the past when we would pass each other on breaks, she would say something, but know, she seems like she's avoiding me. So, I figure I got to close, so I'll back off for a while. The the other day, we had a bit of an argument, which could have been avoided, but I heard all kinds of crap like She could get me to do what she wanted because I had a crush on her, but, I wasn't her type either since I was to "geeky". I wasn't her bitch, so I set her straight.
I know I should have taken the intuitive and asked, but I got scared, and even worse, the thing I was trying to avoid, ended up happening anyway. She had a thing for black guys, which is why they said I was on the list, but she would rather date a roughneck. Whatever. Plus, I don't need anyone telling me I'm a geek, nerd, or otherwise. I know what the fuck I am.
Am I a nerd? Yes
Am I a geek? Yes
Does this bother me that she thinks so? Yes, cause it didn't stop her from talking to me.
It's burned me up and added to the crap that I have tried to burn out of my system from way back when. I can't get rid of it so why bother. I figure that this is the way I am, if you don't like it, piss off. And don't come up to me pretending you like me just to get something. I would rather be alone than to compromise my integrity.
It's just that, that situation just hurt. I'm just 3 months removed from a personal fall out with some infantile, discourteous, pretentious, vainglorious, delusive, irremediable "friends" of mine anyway, so this didn't help me any. When I got off work Friday, I drove around a bit, listening to music, and trying to chill for a while. A song came on my CD that I just lost it to. "Pristina" by Faith No More. I haven't cried in a while, and thought I was incapable of doing so, but I had one. Fuck, why was this crap bothering me so much? Why am I getting emotional over someone who had no real interest in me to begin with? Why the fuck should I care? So many questions. I have no answers. I was always able to get out of a personal funk before, this time it just seems harder.
I'm not getting any younger... and the feelings of worthlessness is getting old. I guess I am actually burning out, or is it just a phase? I must be patient and see.
-peace
-mx