Anti-Death Penalty Protestors Land in Iraq

Concerned that Saddam Hussein might be facing the death penalty if convicted, hundreds of Bay Area anti-death penalty advocates landed in Baghdad to voice their opposition to capital punishment.
Several of the group were upset because of the media’s insistence on referring to the protestors as “anti-death.”
“We are not anti-death, we are pro-life,” claimed one of the lead protestors. “You mean you came to Iraq to protest against abortion?” asked a bystander, “Can’t you do that back in the United States?”
“No, you don’t understand. We are not opposed to abortion, we just want to make sure the Saddam is not executed,” replied a protestor, “Keep in mind that Saddam killed thousands of people. How can we teach people that killing thousands of people is wrong by killing yet another person?”
One onlooker appeared puzzled, “But Saddam also imprisoned thousands of people.”
“Yes, I understand your point,” the protestor responded. “How can we teach people not to imprison thousands of people by imprisoning yet another person? We must think of a punishment that Saddam never inflicted upon anyone and then give him that punishment.”
“You mean, we must come up with a punishment that does not fit the crime?” said the onlooker.
“Exactly,” said the protestor.

Bay Area Anti-Death Penalty Protest Cut Short by Mob

Bay Area anti-death penalty protestors did not have much time to enjoy marching through the streets of downtown Baghdad. The protestors soon found themselves in the middle of a crowd of Iraqis demanding Saddam’s execution. The clash had predictable results.

Second Wave of Bay Area Anti-Death Penalty Protestors Arrive in Iraq

Dozens of Bay Area anti-death penalty protestors landed in Baghdad today to protest against the execution of persons charged with massacring an earlier group of Bay Area anti-death penalty protestors. “You can’t teach people not to kill by killing people who kill people who teach people that you can’t teach people not to kill by killing people who kill,” explained one of the protestors.
The protest never got off the ground as U.S. military forces quickly escorted the protestors into a secured compound out of sight of the general public. When the officer in charge was asked the reason for the military’s action, the officer replied, “Let’s just say we don’t want a third group of Bay Area anti-death penalty protestors having to come to Iraq to teach people that you can’t teach people not to kill by killing people who kill people who teach people . . . oh, you know, what I mean.”

Saddam Granted Change of Venue –To be Tried in California

Attorneys for Saddam Hussein succeeded in convincing the judge that Saddam Hussein could not get a fair trial in Iraq. The court was apparently swayed by the attorneys’ argument that since pretty much everyone in Iraq was related to someone who had been killed, tortured, or imprisoned by Saddam, any jury pool in Iraq would be hopelessly tainted. California was selected as the alternative venue.

Saddam Acquitted! “We Had Reasonable Doubt,” Say Jurors

Coming up with different defenses to the different charges of murder proved a powerful ploy for Saddam’s team of defense attorneys. The prosecution had hammered Saddam with questions on cross-examination but was stymied at every turn:
“Why did you kill Mustafa Abdallah Al-Hafni?”
“I acted in self-defense.”
“Why did you murder Barzan Al-Jizwari?”
“I was acting under duress.”
“Why did you order the death of Hashim El-Gazzali?”
“I was temporarily insane.”
“Why did you hang Wabhi Mohammed?”
“It wasn’t me. Mistaken ID.”
“Why did you massacre Sultan Al-Tai Muzwari’s entire family?”
“I was entrapped into doing it.”
“Why did you order the village of Tahlib to be gassed?”
“It was an accident.”
By the end of the day, the prosecution had made little headway. How little was demonstrated when the jury walked Saddam.

Saddam Announces Support of Recall; Garners Endorsements

Democrats, still angry over the loss of the governorship, have been searching for a candidate to jumpstart their push to recall Governor Schwarzenegger. They found one in Saddam Hussein. “At least when I was in charge, the budget was always balanced. And I did it without saddling the people with bond debt or groping anyone,” claimed Saddam.
Initial polling shows the public has mixed feelings about Saddam Hussein. In the words of one voter, “The downside is that Saddam is a smelly homicidal maniac. On the other hand, he’s got a better personality than the other Democratic candidate, State Senate leader John Burton.”

Saddam marries Huffington

In what some observers are calling a calculated bid to shore up his support with left-leaning voters, Saddam Hussein tied the knot with former gubernatorial candidate Ariana Huffington. “We have similar interests,” cooed Huffington who told reporters she will go by the name Huffington-Hussein.
“I love her sense of humor and if I can make it through the election without Ariana shoving a knife into my gut while I’m sleeping at night, things are going to work out just fine,” said a smiling Saddam.

Huffington-Hussein Declares Her Candidacy; She Will Oppose New Husband, Saddam

Ariana Huffington-Hussein announced today that she will be running for governor against her husband, Saddam Hussein. “Our marriage remains as strong as ever,” said Huffington-Hussein. “I support his candidacy and he will support mine.”
“I hope we both win,” Saddam stated, evincing a less than accurate grasp of how things work in a democracy.

Ariana & Saddam to Divorce; Ariana to Marry Other Candidate, Cruz Bustamonte

Minutes after announcing he was entering the race for governor, Cruz Bustamonte was pounded with questions from reporters about rumors he was going to marry Ariana Huffington-Hussein.
“Right now, we are just friends,” said Bustamonte, “but tomorrow we will be married.”
When asked about his current wife, Bustamonte said, “She has become a gambling addict and run off with William Bennett. I saw them together in a casino but decided not to confront them for fear of alienating the Indian Gaming Industry.”
When asked for a comment, Huffington-Hussein said, “I was unable to seduce Saddam’s bodyguard and so my plans for sneaking in and killing Saddam and then using the money I would receive as his widow to help my campaign failed. However, if I divorce Saddam and marry Cruz Bustamonte, I will have access to all that Indian Gaming money. My path was obvious.”

Huffington-Hussein -Bustamonte Romancing Dean

Less than a week after marrying Cruz Bustamonte and changing her name to Ariana Huffington-Hussein-Bustamonte, Ariana Huffington-Hussein-Bustamonte has offered her hand in marriage to Presidential candidate and Democratic front-runner Howard Dean.
“I couldn’t help noticing how successful Howard has been in raising money, said Huffington-Hussein-Bustamonte, “ I thought if I could get my hands on some of that dough, I would really be in the catbird seat when it came to my race for governor.”
Replied Dean, “It’s an interesting idea. I could hire Saddam’s bodyguards to fend off any of her attempts to kill me after we are married and marrying Ariana would help solidify my standing with all the guys driving around in pick-up trucks with Confederate flag stickers on them.”

Dean, Saddam, & Huffington-Hussein-Bustamonte Strike Deal

Inside sources have revealed the latest turn in the increasingly convoluted recall campaign. Howard Dean has agreed to marry Ariana Huffington-Hussein-Bustamonte with the understanding that Saddam will supply him with bodyguards to prevent any assassination attempts on his life by Huffington-Hussein-Bustamonte. Saddam will then drop out of the California governor’s race. In exchange, Dean has promised Saddam that once Dean is elected president, Dean will order a withdrawal of all troops from Iraq and re-appoint Saddam to head up the new Iraqi provisional government. Saddam will then transfer Iraqi oil monies to Huffington-Hussein-Bustamonte’s campaign for governor.


Troika’s Plans Thwarted; Bush Re-Elected in Upset

Stunning the political pundits, George W. Bush was re-elected in dramatic upset of Democratic candidate, Howard Dean. Immediately after the election, Dean called President Bush to offer his congratulations and support. Ariana Huffington-Hussein-Bustamonte-Dean also called President Bush. “I just want you to know I’m available,” said Huffington-Hussein-Bustamonte-Dean. Bush declined any response other than to say he wished her a happy new year.