Just for laughs

Man with no clothes on is standing in front of a elephant.

The elephant looks at him and says: How do you breathe through that small thing?

Hope this helps

Cheers

Macca

A man comes home from work and catches his wife in bed with 3 men.

He says hello, hello, hello.

Then his wife says: What aren't you talking to me!!!

Macca

hahaha love em Macca  so funny 

Man walks into the doctor's surgery with a frog growing out of his head, the doctor said how did that happen,

the frog said " it all started with a boil on my arse"   

Q:Everything has its ups and downs, so what's the biggest drawback in a circus?

A: An elephant's foreskin

I was sitting next to a blonde at a cinema when an ad came on for Loreal Shampoo, the stuff that supposedly put more air in your hair to give it more bounce.

Next thing I hear her say: "I need Loreal so I'll have more air in my hair and less in my head."

Irish bloke goes into a drug store 3 days in a row with torn condoms and asks for a larger size.  On the fourth day the bloke comes back in for yet another larger size.  The pharmacy assistant says that this is the largest size they stock, but if he still has issue to come back and she'll speak with the manufacturer about their largest size. 

Sure enough, he's back on the fifth day with yet another pack of torn condoms.  Perplexed, the assistant asks the bloke: "Look, this last pack of condoms should fit an organ of the largest proportions, are you using them correctly?"

Yeah, I read the instructions and where it said 'roll over the organ'.... well we don't got one of those so I used the piano instead."

As for the "B*tch", we didn't bring her up that way, and I do have some choice words to describe how I feel, re-what she's done. but I'll keep 'em to myself cos I don't wanna melt the page and ruin it for everyone else.  To say I'm disapponted is a gross underestimation of my feelings on the matter, and that's where I'll leave it.

love it 

One I heard back in the day.

Guy owns a dog and claims his dog is the fastest animal alive. His neighbor, being skeptical, challenges him to prove it. Guy says fine and sets up a race between his dog and his neighbor's car. Race starts out at thirty miles an hour and the dog is happily loping alongside. Neighbor ups it to forty and the dog is still happily loping alongside. Neighbor kicks it up to fifty, dog is still keeping up. Sixty then seventy then up to eighty miles an hour. Neighbor is stunned as he sees the dog still alongside his car. Then he slams on the brakes and comes to a screeching halt. Neighbor gets out and the dog is sitting there not even breathing hard. Dog's owner comes and says "See, fastest animal alive". Neighbor says..."He didn't have a red collar on when we started". Owner's reply..."No he didn't. That's his butt hole, you stopped too damn fast".  

 hahaha Uvah loved it

Elderly couple go to the doctor.

Doctor: How can I help you?

Lady: The second time my husband makes love to me he sweats.

Doctor: How old are you?

Lady: 84

Doctor: And your husband?

Lady: 87

Doctor: And the second time he makes love to you he sweats?

Lady: Yes, in the winter he is OK but in the summer oh how he sweats.

Cheers

Macca

awesome Macca

Man takes his wife to the shrink and informs him that his wife thinks she's a chicken.

"Oh yeah, and how long has this been going on?"

"About 18 months."

" Really!!!  Why didn't you bring her in sooner?"

"Would have, but we needed the eggs."

Speaking of eggs....

A man with everything he could ever want is having his 55th birthday and his wife asks what he'd like.  He tells her that he has all he's ever wanted or needed, but that he'd like to see what she's been keeping in a box under the bed for the last 35 years.  "Look!", he said: "I've respected your privacy all these years, but for my birthday I'd really like to see what you've been keeping in there."

She agreed and pulled the box from under the bed.  When he opened it there were two eggs a $50,000, and he asks: "So what are the eggs for?"

She replies: "Oh, those are there for the times I was unfaithful to you."

He thinks about it for a while and decides that twice in 35 years of marriage isn't so bad... like it could be much, much worse.  He then asked what the $50,000 was for.

She replied: "Oh, every time I collected a dozen I sold 'em."

good one old boy 

Traveller goes to the bull fight in Spain.

After the fight he decides to go out for dinner.

He asks the waiter what he suggests to eat.

The waiter suggests the testicles of the bull that lost the fight that day.

After a bit of hesitation he decides to take the waiters advice and to his surprise he finds that they are a real delicacy.

He goes to the next bull fight and after it is over he rushes to the restaurant and orders the same meal.

He does this on a regular basis.

One day he decides not to go to the bull fight but he still goes to the restaurant for his favourite dish.

He is halfway through his meal when he comments to the waiter that the testicles do not seem as large as usual.

Ah say's the waiter. Today the bull won.

Cheers

Macca

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

Say you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and the government says there is no Nursing Home care available for you. So, what do you do? You opt for Medicare Plan G.
The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Plan G) and one bullet. You are allowed to shoot one worthless politician. This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the Health Care you need. Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all covered!

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the Adelaide River.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said,
'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.
We're the same age, we were the same size as kids - I just don't get it.'
'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'
'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.
'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'
'On the other side of the river near the car park in Darwin.'
'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?' asked the big Croc.
'Well, I crawl up under one of their big Lexus, BMW or Mercedes cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!'
'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment.
See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician,
there's nothing much left but an arsehole with a briefcase

How'd that happen? Down there, under this one

Quoting Uvah, reply 19

You're as bad as the cap'n...I love it! On the one about shooting a useless politician.......copied it and pasted it into notepad. There is no way I'm gonna pass this one up. Way To Go Shaunna.   

Bob & the Blonde

Bob walked into a sports bar around
9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar
And stared up at the TV.

The 10 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story
Of a man on the ledge of a large building
Preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said,
"Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said,
"You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied,
"Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
"You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
The guy on the ledge
Did a swan dive off the building,
Falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset,
But willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied,
"I can't take your money.
I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,
So I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied,
"I did, too,
But I didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money.

Wife:  Look at that drunk guy.

Husband: who is he ?

Wife: 10 years back he proposed to me   and I rejected him.

Husband:  Oh my God! He's still celebrating...

Bloke goes home from the pub rather intoxicated.

Wife: "You're drunk!!!!!"

Husband: "And you're ugly, but I'll be sober in the morning."

That's when the fight started.

.........................................................

Another bloke arrives home well after dinner had been served.

Wife: "You're late so I gave your dinner to the dog,"

Husband: "Oh!!!  Hopefully the vet bill won't cost me too much, then,"

And that's when the fight started.

...........................................................

Another truly intoxicated man arrives home to an angry spouse.

Wife: "I'm so sick and tired of your coming home drunk that I poisoned your coffee."

Husband: "Well I'm sick and tired of your bitchin' and moanin'.... may I have another cup, please?"

And that's when the fight woulda started.