The Dachshund


A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost. While wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!"

Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."

"Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet... and just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says, "Where is that monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

reference to 1049) Ahhh, they can't all be gems. Can they?

If King Kong
went to Hong Kong
to play ping pong
and he passed on
what would they put on his coffin?









a lid. Like I said, not all gems.

#1051 by Ph00ey LMAO!!!!

It's time to get A new life when...

Your job requires you to wear a paper hat.

You consider professional wrestling a sport.

You know all the words to the Brady Bunch theme.

You don't buy National Enquirer at the checkout....you subscribe.

You get unnecessary haircuts, just to have someone run their fingers through your hair.

You believe Oswald acted alone, except for the aliens behind the grassy knoll.

The first four digits of your girl/boyfriend's phone number are 1-900.

You really DO read Playboy/Playgirl for the articles.

You play the accordion.

Beer Trouble

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTON: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTON: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home.

SYMPTOM: Taxi's interior suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

SYMPTOM: Ugly woman in your sights.
FAULT: Insufficient beer intake.
ACTION: Up the dosage.

SYMPTOM: Shins and toes hurt.
FAULT: You've been walking into things.
ACTION: Maintain dosage.

SYMPTOM: Bed is bumping around.
FAULT: Taking an ambulance ride.
ACTION: It's too late, you made an ass of yourself.

The Cruise

A young man wanted to take his girl friend on a seven day boat cruise but the travel agent only had a three day cruise available. He signed up for it, went to a nearby drug store, bought three Dramamine
capsules (a drug used to combat sea sickness) and three condoms. The next day he got a call from the travel agent who now had a five day cruise available. He switched to it, stopped by the same drugstore, bought two more Dramamine capsules and two more condoms. No sooner had he returned home when he got another call from the travel agent saying there had been a cancellation and the full seven day cruise was available. He was delighted and booked that cruise. He went back to the drug store, bought two more Dramamine capsules and condoms.

The pharmacist had a puzzled look on his face and said, "I just don't get it. If it makes you sick, why do you continue to do it?"

Words to Work By

The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Everything can be filed under "Miscellaneous."

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Following the rules will not get the job done.

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

Funny Married Names

What would Bo Derek be called if she married Don Ho? Bo Ho

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she'd be Ella Vader.
("Going up?")

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.
("Sorry Ma'am, what was your name again?")

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.
("Double Ouch!")

If Tuesday Weld married Hal March III, she'd be Tuesday March 3.

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.

If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.

If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.

Nog (Related to Quark on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.

If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he
has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says "Maybe, but
you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse
on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man
and wife."




John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request
Dear," he said. "Of course, John," his wife said softly. "Six months
after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Joe." "But I thought you
hated Joe," she said. With his last breath, John said, "I do!"

Why parents get gray....

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an
urgent problem with one of the main computers, dialed the employee's
home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper, "Hello."

"Is your daddy home?" he asked. "Yes," whispered the small voice. "May
I talk with him?" The child whispered, "No."

Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is
your mommy there?" "Yes."

"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the
boss asked, "Is anybody else there?" "Yes," whispered the child,
"a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the
boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy", whispered
the child.

"Busy doing what?" "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman",
came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an
awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated the boss
asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:
"ME."

OMG I was just laughing out loud at that one, werewolf!

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said "Look mate, don''t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"



The passenger apologized and said he didn''t realize that a little tap could scare him so much. The driver replied "Sorry, it''s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I''ve been driving ''hearses'' for the last 25 years!!!!







[Message Edited]

Hehehe thats funny!

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out. Well, here it is:

AVERAGE: Not too bright.

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.

ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.

ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.

CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.

UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.

QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.

TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.

TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPERTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.

INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.

STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.

TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.

APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.

A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.

NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college.

EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together.

SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life.

CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared.

METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.

DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.

JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky.

MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob.

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes.

STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn.

GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward.

SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid.

OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.

IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else.

ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip.

REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed.

HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way.

ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.

HAPPY: Paid too much.

WELL ORGANIZED: Does too much busywork.

COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.

CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Pain in the ass.

WILL GO FAR: Relative of management.

SHOULD GO FAR: Please.

USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher.

VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.

USES RESOURSES WELL: Delegates everything.

DESERVES PROMOTION: Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.

Passport


An old lady had always wanted to travel abroad. Now that she was getting on in years, she thought she would really like to do so before she died.

But until now, she'd never even been out of the country. So she began by going in person to the Passport Office and asking how long it would take to have one issued.

"You must take the loyalty oath first," responded the passport clerk.
"Raise your right hand, please."

The old gal raised her right hand.

"Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all its enemies, domestic or foreign?" was the first question.

The little old lady's face paled and her voice trembled as she asked in a small voice, "Uhhh... all by myself?"

Hormone Hostage

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands!

This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!

DANGEROUS....What's for dinner?
SAFER....Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST....Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRASAFE....Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS....Are you wearing that?
SAFER....Wow, you look good in brown.
SAFEST....WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE....Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS....What are you so worked up about?
SAFER....Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST....Here's fifty bucks.
ULTRASAFE....Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS....Should you be eating that?
SAFER....You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST....Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRASAFE....Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS....What did you do all day?
SAFER....I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST....I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE....Have some more chocolate.

And remember: Money talks....But Chocolate sings.

Old but good:

Jim and Edna

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Edna's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Edna the news he said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself right after you saved him with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied "He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry...........How soon can I go Home?"

Hey! I just got that in an email from a friend of mine the other day. I dont know where he got it from.

Dumb Joke Warning!

Q: What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centapede?

A: I don't know, but on thanksgiving, everyone gets a drumstick!

Smelly


A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the
bathroom saying to himself, "How can I tell my wife that I've got really
smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it
from her while we dated, but she's bound to find out sooner or later."

Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "How do I
tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to
keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with
me for a week, he's bound to find out."

The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he
walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, puts his arm around
her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've a
confession to make."

And she says, "So have I, love."

To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."

good one

You may be a geek redneck if...


you have loony-toons stickers on your pickup truck.
you carry both the Leatherman Classic and the Leatherman Wave because you never know when you'll need two pairs of pliers.
you insist that your family tree is in fact a graph.
you have a DEC-10 on bricks in your front yard.
your trailer has a T3.
you're living in that trailer to afford the T3.
you think gateway is something you do after a stick-up.
you work on a working monitor on top of a non-working monitor.
you've ever worked on a "deenus" server.
your fileserver has more stickers than your pickup.
your monitor has a nerf-gun-rack.
you dropped out of college because an entry-level helpdesk job opened up at the ISP.
you think "UPS" is what the guy on the brown truck says when he drops your new 'puter.
you hear somebody mention NT and think they left the first T off.
you think QIC is missing the K at the end.
your email program says, "Y'all got mail."
you think SMTP means Send Mail To Phriends.
you think POP3 refers to Coke, Pepsi and Dew.
you've ever broken a tooth pulling a fastener out of a rack just to prove you can do it.
you've ever stripped CAT-5 cable with your teeth.
you think IP addressing is pointing somebody to the little detached room out back.
your screen saver shows fuzzy dice.
you think Perl is something you put on a string around a girl's neck.
you add caffine to Jolt Cola.
your still adds caffine to the output.
you've ever picked hot'n spicy pork-rind crumbs out of your keyboard.

The Top 20 Country-Western Rap Artists

20> SixPac Shakur

19> The Dixie Bizznitches

18> Hay-Z

17> ODV (Ol' Dirty Varmint)

16> Whoa Nelly!

15> Coolio-lay-dee-hooo!

14> Mixmaster Merle

13> N.R.A.

12> C. Twitty

11> Snoop Hounddy Houndd

10> DJ Jazzy Jeb and the Fresh Prince of Cheyenne

9> The Bestiality Boys

8> Ma-Rule

7> Ol' Dirty Haggard

6> 2 Live Chickens

5> Dudicris

4> DJ Dolly P. and Her Notoriously B.I.G. Ones

3> Shaniqua Twizzain

2> Ron's GMC


... and the Number 1 Country-Western Rap Artist ...


1> 50 Cent Haircut

Policy

Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the Banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are sprayed with cold water.

Continue until, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes try to prevent it.

Now, turn off the cold water.

Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.

Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.

After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not?

"Because that's the way it's always been around here."

That's how policy begins...

Calories can be burned by the hundreds by engaging in strenuous
activities that do not require physical exercise.

Exercise - Calories burned per hour

Beating around the bush -75
Jumping to conclusions - 100
Climbing the walls - 150
Swallowing your pride - 50
Passing the buck - 25
Throwing your weight around (depending on your weight)- 50-300
Dragging your heels - 100
Pushing your luck - 250
Making mountains out of molehills - 500
Hitting the nail on the head - 50
Wading through paperwork - 300
Bending over backwards - 75
Jumping on the bandwagon - 200
Balancing the books - 25
Running around in circles - 350
Eating crow - 225
Tooting your own horn - 25
Climbing the ladder of success - 750
Pulling out all the stops - 75
Adding fuel to the fire - 160
Wrapping it up at the day's end - 12

To which you may want to add your own favorite activities,
including:

Opening a can of worms - 50
Putting your foot in your mouth -300
Starting the ball rolling - 90
Going over the edge - 25
Picking up the pieces after - 350