CAT'S NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS

* I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the family room floor
trying to do sit ups.
* When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are *not* a hammock.
* Computer and TV screens do not exist to backlight my lovely tail.
* I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need my help installing a new board in her computer.
* I will not bring the city police to the front door by stepping on the speaker phone
button and then the automatic 911 dial button.
* I will not speed dial the overseas numbers.
* I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is writing important emiognaierga3qi4taij@3tgv aa35 a=

PG...hmmm...

A bear and a rabbit were walking in the woods together. Suddenly, as can happen with nature, they decided they needed to #2.

As they were... reading... side by side the bear said, "You know, I really hate having to do this... everything sticks to my fur and it takes all day to clean up! How about you?"

The rabbit replied, "Jeez, nope I never have that problem, my fur is slick as a beavers. Everything just passes in a flash!"

The bear, being further up natures ladder, thinks for a minute...and then his face lights up with a wonderful idea!! He finishes his business, picks up his little rabbit buddy...

wipes himself clean as a whistle and strolls home.

elvee!

/me does her best De Niro, "You laughin' at me? I SAID, you laughin' at me?"

Methinks I shall jump on the bed!

Stuff you never knew but will help you win a beer in the bar:

The Hawaiian alphabet has 12 letters.

The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named
after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's
"It's A Wonderful Life."

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to
the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

The longest one-syllable word in the English language is
"screeched."

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a
radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross.

I spent a wonderful evening at my girlfriend house not long ago. After a delicious meal we gathered around the fireplace to discuss current events. I sat on the couch with Spot, the family dog, at my feet. Within 15 minutes, I felt a sudden urge to release some pent-up gas (result of the delicious meal)...I did so, unsure, at first, but confident that the family would blame Spot. As I released my maelstrom, Barbara - my girlfriend's mother - shouted SPOT!

This was all I needed. During the next 45 minutes, I let rip 3 more times (all the while being careful not to let on that it was me). Each time I did so, Barbara shouted SPOT!!!

Finally, I let one rip that shook the walls. As I looked down at spot, Barbara shouted....




SPOT!!...get away from there, before he shits on you!!!!

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The
soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown
and say, "That's not it" and put it down again.

This went on for some time, until the general arranged to
have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist
concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his
discharge from the army.

The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

Signs Your Family May Be Dysfunctional.....

* New bill to ban assault weapons specifically mentions your family.
* Your vacations are planned through AA instead of AAA.
* Your mother and your preteen sister always fighting over the last beer.
* In the middle of family reunion, FBI cuts power to ranch.
* Bikers next door always complaining about the noise.
* Holidays are usually celebrated by sniffing glue and kicking a toaster around the house.
* Family discussions usually begin with, "Put the gun down."
* Instead of saying grace before dinner, father reads a passage from Penthouse Forum.
* Thanksgiving Dinner consists of Wild Turkey instead of roast turkey.
* Uncle Billy Bob thinks he is an orthodox Rabbi...and refuses to eat bacon on Saurdays.

One last one and I'm callin' it a night (why do I hear cheering?)

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon-load of
corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.

"Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in
with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."

"That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don't
think Pa would like me to."

"Aw, come on," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't
like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot
better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish !" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the
way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon!"

Say goodnight Gracie

goodnight

The Outhouse Ma and Pa were two hillbillies living in Arkansas out on the farm up in the hills. Pa has found out that the hole for the outhouse is full. He goes in the house and tells Ma he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole. Ma says, "Why don't you go ask the youngun down the road???. He must be smart because he is a college graduate." So Pa drives down to the neighbors. He ask him " Mr. College graduate, my hole for the outhouse is a full and I don't know what to do to empty it." The youngun tells him, " Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Light them both under the outhouse. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. The second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm and fertilize your ground. The outhouse will then come back down to the same spot and you will have an empty hole for your outhouse." Pa thanks the neighbor and picks up two sticks of dynamite at the hardware store, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. He goes home and puts them under the corner of the outhouse. He lights them and then runs behind a tree. All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse!! BOOM!! Off goes the first stick of dynamite and shoots the outhouse in the air. BOOM!! Off goes the second stick of dynamite and spreads the poop all across the farm. The outhouse comes crashing back down on the hole. Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Ma, are you alright??!!" As she pulls up her pants she says, "Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen."

OLD LADY WISH

A little old lady told a friend of mine the other day when they were standing in line together that all she had ever wanted to have in life was four animals.

My friend who has a large dog and a big heart for strays said, "Oh really, what kind of animals did you want?"

The little old lady said "A mink on my back, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in bed, and a jackass to pay for all of it."

*Kim*

I have to say I'm still laughing at the hillbilly joke!

*Kim*

Here's one for those suffering through the winter blues.

One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the
announcer say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow
today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side
of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Peff's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow
today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side
of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Again, Peff's wife goes out and moves her car.

The next week, they are having breakfast, and again the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park ..."***BLIP*** ... the electricity goes out.

Peff's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do."

Peff says, "Love, why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

Umm, I can't stop laughing from alot of these.. But I would like to find one to post but most of mine are R to XXX.. : devil

Ok, I found one that was in my archive.. Probably 1 of 3 that are less than R.. You've maybe heard it but this goes with the Redneck issue. If your offended by the Redneck jokes, dont' be because I live in the middle of Hicksville, PA.

You're A Redneck Jedi When
Rated PG
1. You use the force to cheat at fishing, bowling, and long-distance spitting.

2. More than half the droids you own don't function.

3. The number of blasters you own exceeds your I. Q.

4. You wonder why Luke and Leia never got married.

5. You used a carbon-freezing chamber to store the 78 Wampas you shot while vacationing on Hoth.

6. Your moonshine is made on the moon.

7. You don't like wearing a Jedi robe because it prevents access to the dip stored in your back pocket.

8. Sandpeople back down from your mama.

9. You've used Jedi mind control to talk your way out of a DUI.

10. You've strangled people with the force because they laughed at your accent.

11. You built an outhouse over the Sarlaac.

12. You've argued with a Jawa over scavenging rights to a broken droid.

13. A Wookie has told you that you need to shave.

14. You've wrecked several landspeeders while lighting cigarettes with your lightsaber.

15. You don't think the Ewoks are primitive.

16. You've gone AT-AT tipping.

17. Jabba's pig guards think you have a hygiene problem.

18. You consider your lightsaber the ultimate bug zapper.

19. The Rancor monster refused to eat you.

20. You discovered that your greatest enemy is, in fact, your father, who also happens to be your brother.

hmmm I'll try one...it's an oldie

A man goes into a house of ill repute, goes to his favorite girl on the top floor. He tells her to take of all her close and stand in front of the open window there. He runs at her...smacks into her and knocks the both of them out the window, going at it like crazy.

Shortly thereafter, a drunk walks into the lobby and says to the guy there "Misther...your sign fell down, but it's still working"

Weaksid

Good ones!

/me loves a good redneck-jedi joke!

Q: How do you know that the word 'Toothbrush' originated in Arkansas?

A: Because if it didn't, it would have been called Teethbrush

Werewolf

/me hopes the 'toofless' folk don't get angry!

/me confused ¿

weaksid: read it again

Disco Duck is burning thr floor with Disco Inferno!!!