A Conversation With A Mean Person

This is the sort of conversation one can have when spending a lot of time behind the wheel. I was on my way from New York state to Wisconsin.

Me: I can probably make it to Roseland by five or six o'clock. I can get a room and then bobtail over to Tinder Box to look at pipes.

Me too: No.

Me: No? Why not?

Me too: No more pipes.

Me: Huh? Why not?

Me too: What is that in your hand?

Me: The steering wheel.

Me too: No dummy, the other hand.

Me: Ummm, a cigarette.

Me too: Right.

Me: So?

Me too: So you don't need any pipes, you have cigarettes.

Me: That has nothing to do with it. I like pipes.

Me too: So why aren't you smoking a pipe?

Me: Well... I felt like a cigarette.

Me too: So, you like the cigarettes better.

Me: No, I like the pipe tobacco much better.

Me too: And yet there you are, smoking a cigarette. Kinda funny eh?

Me: Well, no, not funny. It's just... I felt like a cigarette.

Me too: Uh huh.

Me: What's that supposed to mean?

Me too: Oh, nothing.

Me: That wasn't nothing. That was Uh huh.

Me too: Uh huh.

Me: Stop that!

Me too: Ok, here's the deal...

Me: Deal? What deal?

Me too: I was getting to that before you interrupted me.

Me: Uh huh.

Me too: Now you're doing it.

Me: Doing what?

Me too: Uh huh.

Me: I said to stop that!

Me too: Ok, let's not go there. As I said, here's the deal...

Me: There you go again with the deal thing. What deal?

Me too: If you'll stop interrupting me I'll tell you what deal.

Me: Ok, let's hear it then.

Me too: No more pipes.

Me: What?!

Me too: Hear me out. No more pipes until you stop the cigarettes.

Me: But, but, but...

Me too: No more butts.

Me: That's a really bad pun.

Me too: Yes, well, nevertheless, no more pipes until you quit the butts.

Me: Well, I am going to quit them, eventually.

Me too: Then you can buy a new pipe.

Me: I can?

Me too: Eventually.

Me: You're just plain mean.

Me too: It's for your own good.

Me: A new pipe would be for my own good.

Me too: I'm sure it would. Just quit the cigarettes.

Me: Well, how long do I have to quit the cigarettes before I can buy a new pipe?

Me too: Forever.

Me: Forever? But, but...

Me too: No more butts.

Me: I told you that's a bad pun. Knock that off.

Me too: Ok, no new pipe.

Me: Wait, wait. If I have to wait forever then I'll never get to buy a new pipe.

Me too: Ok, knucklehead. You have to quit them forever, not wait forever to buy a new pipe. Man, you can be really dense.

Me: No need for insults. How long do I have to go without a cigarette before I can buy a new pipe.

Me too: Well, let's see... How about a month?

Me: Which month? February?

Me too: Sigh. Let me re-phrase it. 30 days. How does that sound?

Me: Does it have to be 30 days in a row?

Me too: Yes, of course it does chucklehead. 30 consecutive days. Any cheating resets the clock.

Me: You really are mean.

Me too: Yes, well, is it a deal?

Me: Doesn't sound like much of a deal to me.

Me too: So it's no then?

Me: What if I do say no? What are you going to do about it?

Me too: I won't let you buy any new pipes, ever.

Me: I can do as I please.

Me too: Not without me you can't.

Me: But, but...

Me too: No more butts.

Me: Knock that off already!

Me too: Ok, ok, but is it a deal?

Me: I thought you said no more butts.

Me too: Get serious, would you?

Me: Ok, but quitting is hard. You remember what happened the last time I tried to go cold turkey? My IBS flared up so bad I had to start smoking again just to settle it down.

Me too: Yeah, that was a really bad day.

Me: No need to be sarcastic.

Me too: How often do you light up a cigarette right after finishing a pipe?

Me: Well... not that often.

Me too: Remember who you're talking to here.

Me: Oh yea, that's right. Well, ok, fairly often.

Me too: You're addicted. You're a butt junkie.

Me: No I'm not!

Me too: Face it, you have a camel on your back.

Me: Shouldn't that be a monkey?

Me too: I've never seen a monkey on a pack of cigarettes. Have you?

Me: Well, ok, you have a point there.

Me too: Start slow. Whenever you crave a cigarette right after finishing a pipe, make yourself wait 30 minutes before lighting the cigarette.

Me: 30 minutes, huh? I guess I could do that.

Me too: Sure ya can. By then you might even want another pipe instead.

Me: Sure... maybe.

Me too: Other time, when you feel like a butt, fill a pipe with burley instead. Then, after that if you still want a butt wait the 30 minutes and see what happens.

Me: Well, I guess maybe that could work.

Me too: It's a start. Then, once that becomes a comfortable habit you push that back to 45 minutes, then an hour, and so on.

Me: Well, I guess that sounds like a plan of sorts.

Me too: So it's a deal then?

Me: Ummm, well, I guess so.

Me too: I guess so doesn't sound like much of a commitment to me.

Me: Ok, it's a deal.

Me too: What deal?

Me: Are you kidding me?

Me too: Of course I am. I want you to say it.

Me: Say what?

Me too: The deal, dummy. Say it!

Me: Ok, ok. No more pipes until I quit the cigarettes. But...

Me too: No more butts.

Me: That's still a bad pun, don't do it again.

Me too: OK, so it's a deal then.

Me: Yeah, yeah, it's a deal.

Me too: Great, now about your dietary habits...