Trying to heal the hurt

I was brought to this website accidently.  I was searching for something, and stumbled upon an article that was written by my brother.  For privacy reasons, I will not disclose who he is. 

My brother and I survived horrific child abuse growing up.  We lost 2 brothers because of the abuse....one beaten by HIS father.  There are things that were done to me that no little girl should ever experience.  I knew of some of the stuff that was done to my brother, but did not know how in depth it ran.  My brother did not go into great detail, but he went into enough detail that my heart broke in two.  I have not spoken to this brother in a number of years because at the time he chose to have a relationship with our mother.  My mother, you see, is Satan herself.  There is no other way to describe her.  She allowed step fathers to beat us.  One in particular use a wet belt on bare bottoms and did not really care where he hit.  We went to school many times with welts up and down our backs and legs.  My mother would watch the whole time and do nothing to stop it.  This step father molested me and at least 2 other girls that I know of.  He did go to prison for the molestation of me, but I don't think he ever answered for the other girls.  I was younger than my brother and have had trouble recalling some of the past events of my life.....his blogs gave me new information.  I hope that my brother and I can heal from the hurts of the past, but if he never wants to speak to me again, I am one person who understands. 

No one likes to talk about the darkness in families.  I have reconnected with my father, but also set boundaries where our relationship is concerned.  At one time, my father told us kids, when we tried to tell him of the abuse our step mother was putting us through, "When it comes to a choice between you and her, she will win every time."  Talk about being rejected.  We learned quickly that he would not listen to us.  I have always yearned for a sense of belonging to a family.  I have chosen to have a relationship with my father because of my half brothers and sisters.  My father and I will never be close, but at least we have something.  My step mom has healed, in some ways, and has made her efforts to make amends for what she has done.  I am still guarded where she is concerned, and I do it to protect my kids.  One of my brothers committed suicide because of the abuse, and he is part of the reason I strive to have a relationship with my family members.

I have had a life of hell, but I am stubborn and refuse to allow another human being to destroy me.  I will survive.  Healing comes in time, and there is a lot to be proven.....but I believe in my heart that my family can be somewhat healed.  Nothing can be done about the past, but we can work towards a brighter future.  My mother has never had to answer in a court of law for the sins she has done.....but I know that one day, she will have to answer to her maker, and that day can not come soon enough.  I know it sounds cruel for me to say, but if you knew my mother the way I know my mother, you would understand.

Thank you for reading my rant.  I know writing can be very theraputic, so you may hear more from me in the future.  GM, if you read this, know that I love you, and think of you and your family often.  I am proud of what you have accomplished, and hope I can make you proud of me as well.