Wishing I could repair the rift...

from JoeUser Forums

Not much time to write today, but something is on my mind and I wanted to toss out an article about it.

My daughter was conversing with me yesterday talking about a friend of hers.  It started with her noting that friend's boyfriend saw her in the store where he works then it shifted to my daughter telling me the latest going's-on in the world that revolves around her (my daughter), specifically with her friend.  She'd already told me that her friend somewhat stiffed her and another classmate when her friend overslept and missed most of an obligation she had for a school organization.  An organizationn that my daughter participates in, and was to have participated in along side her friend.  My daughter and another classmate/friend were left holding the bag and doing most of the work for the obligation and of course that irritated my daughter as she felt it was unfair to have to do 3 peoples work with only 2 people.

Her friend had other obligations in the later hours (her own part-time job) that kept her from being able to make up any of the time that was lost on that particular day (she might be able to make it up later, but not on that day), and that caused my daughter and her other classmate/friend to gripe to their teacher/advisor that their friend hadn't completed enough of the obligation.  Ooops, oh noes she didn't!!!  Oh, yes, she did.

Now the friend is upset that her friends didn't cover for her and let her take advantage of them, and the friend is holding the opinion that my daughter and her other classmate/friend are backstabbers.  Well, yeah, probably, but what does that make the friend when she missed the obligation (for the most part) and left her classmates holding the bag for her workload.

That issue seems normal enough that it would likely blow over fairly quickly, but... unfortunately my daughter's friend apparently decided to go nuclear on her friend.  She and my daughter have had a normal on-again, off-again friendship for a few years now, but apparently she was ready to toss aside the friendship just before my wife was killed in the car wreck, or so she's now told my daughter.  So my daughter now sees her supposed friend as only continuing the friendship "out of pity" and that's left her not wanting to continue the friendship - period.

I really wish I could repair the rift between these two friends as I hate to see friendships cast aside so easily, but really I'm not sure this one can be repaired.  What my daughter heard her friend say was very hurtful to her for a variety of reasons.  While my daughter might not be the best friend to her friends, and while she may occassionally be too self-centered, I still wish she'd not have to be going through what she's going through, as I also wish her friend wasn't going through as well.

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Reply #1 from JoeUser Forums Top

The dynamics of adolescent female relationships defies logic and reasoning.  And any attempts at parental repair.  I have lived through them, both as a parent and as a sibling.  I have learned that most of the time, they heal themselves, and are best left to that route.

Every crises at this stage of their life is earth shattering, yet in a few months, they will not even remember the underlying reasons.  IN most cases, they will laugh about it.  In a few cases, it will be talk of their whole life how "so and so" did "such and such" and they have not spoken since.

My life has been spent around a lot of women (4 sisters, 2 daughters).  As a male, I do not pretend to understand them to this day.  But I often thank god I am a man and have had it so much easier.

Reply #2 from JoeUser Forums Top

sounds like alot of drama at your house making me glad I had boys.  :) 

I agree with Doc.  It's probably best to just stay out of it and let it take the natural route.  If it's a true friendship it will endure, if not they will move on. 

Along this note...my son who is a twenty something and hangs around with a 20 somethings group was informed by one of his friends yesterday that he has decided to leave his wife for another gal that he had a previous relationship with in H.S.  He says this other woman (with five children now) is his soul mate leaving my son in quite a predicament because he's friendly with this man and his wife equally.   He wishes now he didn't know.   The husband said he's going to stay with her until March when his new job will take place in another state.  The other woman is now going thru a divorce.   The man's wife has no idea of any of this and thinks she's happily married. 

My son doesn't know what to do.  The couple are both 28 (no children) and the woman is very sweet and very likeable and according to my son a very good woman.    This couple have only been married a year.  He thinks the wife should know what the husband is doing but he doesn't want to tell her. 

Friendships can be a very interesting dynamic when these types of situations arise.  My son wishes he could repair this rift as well but can see quite well that his friend's mind is made up. 

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Reply #3 from JoeUser Forums Top

The man's wife has no idea of any of this and thinks she's happily married.

Yes she does, although a more accurate statement is she does not know what is wrong.

There is not a lot your son can do.  I doubt the friendship will survive the break up as he will be a reminder to both of them. 

Reply #4 from JoeUser Forums Top

There is not a lot your son can do.

my husband told me to tell our son when he calls again to tell the husband that he needs to tell his wife before he does.  Give him a week or so to tell her and tell him that if he doesn't tell the wife than my son will. 

I hope to God that she doesn't get pregnant before March comes around if she doesn't find out before then.  It's one thing to be facing this as a young married and quite another to bring a child into it.