Hannukah and Christmas - An explanation for my non-Jewish friends
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First off, I'm not gonna bore you with religious stuff. If you want, the Wikipedia will explain it all. This is a shade more light hearted and a Henny Youngman style of diction should be used when reading this. OK?
1. Christmas is the same day every year: December 25th. Christians love this day, and so do Jews. It's a paid day off and we get to go out for Chinese food, go to the movies and dance Israeli folk dances. Hannukah is 8 days. It starts on the 25th day of Kislev (whenever that falls) no one seems to know.
Jews never know until a non-Jewish friend asks when Hannukah starts forcing us to consult a calendar so we don't look like idiots. We all have the same calendar, provided free with a donation from the World Jewish Congress, the kosher butcher or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel (especially in Florida) or other Jewish funeral homes.
2. Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish holidays: They tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat.
3. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume, stereos, etc. Jews get practical presents, books, etc., and mostly gifts for the children.
4. There is only one way to spell Christmas. No one can decide how to spell Chanukah, Chanukkah, Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah, Hannukah, etc. (in Hebrew there's only one way to spell it, not that it helps us any explaining why there are so many spellings).
5. Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and boyfriends. Their partners expect special gifts. Jewish men are relieved of that burden. No one expects a diamond ring on Hanukah.
6. Christmas brings enormous electric bills. Candles are used for Chanukah. Not only are we spared enormous electric bills, but we get to feel good about not contributing to the energy crisis.
7. Christmas carols are beautiful...Silent Night, Come All Ye Faithful. Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or having a party and dancing the hora. Of course, we are secretly pleased that many of the beautiful carols were composed and written by our tribal brethren. And don't Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully?
8. A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful like the sweet smell of cookies and cakes baking. Happy people are gathered around in festive moods. A home preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes and onions. The home, as always, is full of loud people all talking at once.
9. Christian women have fun baking Christmas cookies. Jewish women burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions for latkes (potato pancakes) on Chanukah. Another reminder of our suffering through the ages.
10. The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce names such as Mary, Joseph and Jesus. The players in the Chanukah story are Antiochus, Judah Maccabee and Mattatiahu whatever. No one can spell it or pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell our friends anything and they believe we are wonderfully versed in our history.
11. In recent years, Christmas has become more and more commercialized. The same holds true for Chanukah, even though it is a minor holiday. It makes sense. How could we market a major holiday such as Yom Kippur (The Day of Atonement)? Forget about celebrating. Think observing. Come to synagogue, starve yourself for 27 hours, become one with your dehydrated soul, beat your chest, confess your sins, a guaranteed good time for you and your family. Tickets a mere $200 per person. Better stick with Chanukah. However you spell it.
2. Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish holidays: They tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat.
3. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume, stereos, etc. Jews get practical presents, books, etc., and mostly gifts for the children.
4. There is only one way to spell Christmas. No one can decide how to spell Chanukah, Chanukkah, Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah, Hannukah, etc. (in Hebrew there's only one way to spell it, not that it helps us any explaining why there are so many spellings).
5. Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and boyfriends. Their partners expect special gifts. Jewish men are relieved of that burden. No one expects a diamond ring on Hanukah.
6. Christmas brings enormous electric bills. Candles are used for Chanukah. Not only are we spared enormous electric bills, but we get to feel good about not contributing to the energy crisis.
7. Christmas carols are beautiful...Silent Night, Come All Ye Faithful. Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or having a party and dancing the hora. Of course, we are secretly pleased that many of the beautiful carols were composed and written by our tribal brethren. And don't Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully?
8. A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful like the sweet smell of cookies and cakes baking. Happy people are gathered around in festive moods. A home preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes and onions. The home, as always, is full of loud people all talking at once.
9. Christian women have fun baking Christmas cookies. Jewish women burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions for latkes (potato pancakes) on Chanukah. Another reminder of our suffering through the ages.
10. The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce names such as Mary, Joseph and Jesus. The players in the Chanukah story are Antiochus, Judah Maccabee and Mattatiahu whatever. No one can spell it or pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell our friends anything and they believe we are wonderfully versed in our history.
11. In recent years, Christmas has become more and more commercialized. The same holds true for Chanukah, even though it is a minor holiday. It makes sense. How could we market a major holiday such as Yom Kippur (The Day of Atonement)? Forget about celebrating. Think observing. Come to synagogue, starve yourself for 27 hours, become one with your dehydrated soul, beat your chest, confess your sins, a guaranteed good time for you and your family. Tickets a mere $200 per person. Better stick with Chanukah. However you spell it.
I'm not going to say what I'm thinking, because I wouldn't really wish this condition on anyone. (BTW, Buddists don't believe Buddha is a deity, he was just an example of how to master the world).
