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Saturday funnies

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Saturday funnies

from WinCustomize Forums

I hope these bring a smile, I myself was laughing very hard!!!  No disrespect meant to anyone, and no one killed in the making of, either!!! :rofl:

 

The first one... :X

 A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you????????

 

The second... :waaaa:

A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate.

Interviewer: How did you get that pegleg?

Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war.

Interviewer: How did you get that hook?

Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife.

Interviewer: What about your eyepatch?

Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped in me eye.

Interviewer: And that put your eye out?

Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook.

 

And last, but not least.... :-"

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand. He says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'

To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shoveling.'

And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'

He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile of sand.'

So when the foreman returns, after being away for a couple of hours, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'

The Italian replies, ' I no hava no broom You saida to the Chinese-a-fella that he was in charge of supplies, but he has a disappeared and I no could finda him nowhere.'

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'

The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left that Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him neither.'

The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells....................'SUPPLIES!!!!'

862,710 views 766 replies
Reply #151 from WinCustomize Forums Top

What happens when a fly falls into a coffee cup?

The Italian - throws the cup and walks away in a fit of rage.

The Frenchman - takes out the fly, and drinks the coffee.

The Chinese - eats the fly and throws away the coffee.

The Russian - drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra with no charge.

The Israeli - sells the coffee to the Frenchman, the fly to the Chinese, buys himself a new cup of coffee and uses the extra money to invent a device that prevents flies from falling into coffee.

The Palestinian - blames the Israeli for the fly falling in his coffee, protests the act of aggression to the UN, takes a loan from the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee, uses the money to purchase explosives and then blows up the coffee house where the Italian, the Frenchman, the Chinese, and the Russian are all trying to explain to the Israeli that he should give away his cup of coffee to the Palestinian.

Offworld Trading Company
Reply #153 from WinCustomize Forums Top

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours, and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max on the controls.

So, now you know...

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Reply #154 from WinCustomize Forums Top

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:  OMG I Love IT!!!!

Reply #155 from WinCustomize Forums Top

A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. 

Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more. "And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked. 

"It is very simple. First you turn up the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection plate." 

So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold the plates were full of 20 dollar bills. Now, the preacher did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday. So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again. 

Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere. 

"Crap!" exclaimed the pastor. 

It took them a week to clean up the church.

============================================================

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister who, after all, is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"

The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

Reply #157 from WinCustomize Forums Top

The pope goes to visit the Seven Dwarfs. As he is finishing his speech on comparative religions, Dopey raises his hand to ask a question. 

"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?". 

"No Dopey," responds the Pontiff, "there are not". 

"Mr. Pope, are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in Italy?", Dopey questions. 

"No Dopey," chuckles the Pope, "there are no dwarf nuns in Italy." 

"Mr. Pope," Dopey asks pleadingly, "are there any dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"

"No Dopey," the Pope says sadly, "there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world." 

And softly in the background the six remaining dwarves start chanting, "Dopey screwed a penguin, Dopey screwed a penguin."

Reply #158 from WinCustomize Forums Top

LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :w00t:

 

Why do nuns travel in pairs?

 

One nun makes sure the other nun gets none [nun :)

Reply #159 from WinCustomize Forums Top

Two nuns are sent by mother superior the get the Sunday paper, so they set off on their bicycles and about five minutes into the journey it starts to cloud over like there's going to a thunderstorm.  One nun says to the other: "Look, I know a shortcut that'll get us into town and back at the convent before the storm hits."

With that, the other nun says: "Yes, we had better take it as we do not have raincoats and I do not have a clean habit to change into."

So a little further down the road they take a turn into a cobblestone street and the second nun, being vigorously bounced around on the bicycle seat by the cobblestones says to the first nun: "You know, I don't think I've ever come this way before."

"Yeah," says the first nun smirkingly: "its this cobblestone street... it'll do it to you every time."

;P

Reply #160 from WinCustomize Forums Top

Three nuns were walking in the convent grounds when they came upon a condom on the ground.  The first nun says: "Oh look, a condom!!!"

The second and third nun gasp in shock horror, then the second nun says: "Oh look, and it has been used as well!!!"

The first and third nun gasp in shock horror, when the first nun says: "Oh look, it has a hole in it!!!"

The second nun gasps in shock horror... and the third nun faints. :O :-"

Reply #162 from WinCustomize Forums Top

This would be for the Cap'n:

Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

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The teacher asked little Starkers to use the word " definitely " in a sentence.

Little Starkers replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"

The Teacher says, "Of course not Cap'n,"

To which Starkers replies, "Then I have definitely shit my pants".

Reply #163 from WinCustomize Forums Top

The Three Samurai

Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who needed a new head Samurai so he sent out a declaration throughout the country that he was searching for one. A year passed and only 3 people showed up: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head Samurai.

The Japanese Samurai opened a match box and out pops a little fly. Whoosh goes his sword and the fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces.

The emperor exclaimed: "That is very impressive!" The emperor then asked the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate.

The Chinese Samurai also opened a match box and out pops a fly. Whoosh, whoosh goes his sword. The fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces.

The emperor exclaimed: "That is really very impressive!" The emperor then had the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai.

The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box and out pops a fly. His flashing sword goes whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh whoooooooossshhh. A gust of wind fills the room, but the fly is still alive and buzzing around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, asks: "After all of that, why is the fly not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai smiled, "Well, circumcision is not intended to kill"

Reply #164 from WinCustomize Forums Top

Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder . .
1) The DNA is all the same
2) There's no dental records

Reply #165 from WinCustomize Forums Top

How Blonde Is She???

She was Soooooooo Blonde.
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44, she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."

AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE:

She is sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...

She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
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Ten Peeves that Dogs Have About Humans

1) Blaming your farts on me.....not funny... not funny at all !!!

2) Yelling at me for barking. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!

3) Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4) Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Stop it!

5) Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

6) The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7) Taking me to the vet for "the big snip," then acting surprised when I freak
out every time we go back!

8) Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9) Dog sweaters. Hello ??? Haven't you noticed the fur?

10) How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.

Now lay off me on some of these things. We both know who's boss here! You don't see me picking up your poop do you?

Every Dog Has His Day. A Dog Always Offers Unconditional Love, Cats Have To Think About It.
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Reply #166 from WinCustomize Forums Top

:rofl:  Or Mark's Curried Cabbage!

Reply #167 from WinCustomize Forums Top


I laugh so hard I had tears.  you will enjoy this one.
This is an article submitted to a  1999 Louisville Sentinel
contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas  dinners.

 It won first prize. 

As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas.
He said all  he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa  checking the list twice must be
true because very Christmas morning,  although Jay's kids'
stockings overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly  empty. 

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on
sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll.

They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart.

I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go.
You'll only confuse yourself.

I was there an hour saying things like, 
'What does this do?'
'You're kidding me!' 'Who would buy
 that?'

 

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. 
I wanted to buy a  standard, uncomplicated doll that could
also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the

car pool lane during rush hour.  

Finding what I wanted was difficult. 'Love Dolls'
come in  many different models.

 

The top of the line, according to the side of the
box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry.

I settled for 'Lovable Louise.'

 

She was at the bottom of the price scale.  

To call Louise a 'doll' took a huge leap of imagination.  

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump,
Louise  came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in  during
the wee morning hours.

Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled  the
dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom.

 

I also ate somecookies and drank what
remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. 

 

I went home,and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning  my brother called to say that Santa had
been to his house and left a  present that had made

him VERY happy, but had left the dog
confused.

She would bark, start to walk away, then come
back and bark some more.  

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so
the rest of the family could admire her when they came over

 for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the
door.  'What the hell is that?' she asked.  

My brother quickly explained, 'It's a doll.'
'Who would  play with something like that?' Granny snapped.

 

I kept my mouth  shut.

 

'Where are her clothes?' Granny continued. 

'Boy,  that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,' Jay said,

to steer her into the dining room. 

But Granny was relentless. 'Why doesn't she have
any teeth?' 

Again, I could have answered, but why would I?

It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back

of the ambulance saying,  'Hang on Granny, hang on!' 

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight,
sidled up to me and said, ' Hey,who's the naked gal by the
fireplace?'

 

I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes  later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel,
talking to Louise.

Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we
realized this might be  Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made  the usual small talk about
who had died, who was dying, and who should be  killed,

when suddenly Louise made a noise like
my father in the bathroom  in the morning.

 

Then she lurched from the mantel,
flew around the room  twice, and fell in a heap in front of
the sofa. The cat screamed.

I passed  cranberry sauce through my nose,
and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to  his knees, and began
administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.  

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his  pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and
sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and  remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough

examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse.

We discovered that  Louise had suffered from
a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.  

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we
restored  her to perfect health. 

I can't wait until next  Christmas.

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Reply #169 from WinCustomize Forums Top

OK...hands down the winner!

I can't stop these helpless giggles...it should have been filmed. A lifetime memory to be passed on for generations.

Thanks, Barb!

TBC once again wins the Gold!

Reply #171 from WinCustomize Forums Top

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Reply #172 from WinCustomize Forums Top

.it should have been filmed
  I agree, it would be so funny!!!  Hope your nose is fine!!! :rofl: :rofl:

 

 

 

A picture speaks a thousand words
   .... This past summer, my friend and I were at the zoo, and I happened to look up at the top of a building ( I think it was a restaurant in the zoo) anyway, I watched a pigeon walk to the edge of the building, turn around and poop over the edge....honest, this is a true story...they are not really dumb birds!!! :rofl:

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Reply #174 from WinCustomize Forums Top

Quoting teddybearcholla, reply 22
.it should have been filmed  I agree, it would be so funny!!!  Hope your nose is fine!!!


 
It still stings.

I hate you.

I will never forgive you.

:grin:
 

Reply #175 from WinCustomize Forums Top

It still stings.

I hate you.

I will never forgive you.
    :rofl: :rofl: Oh my!!!!! :rofl: