A Scottish Solder in full dress uniform marches into a chemists.
> Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded
> cotton bandana, unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square
> handkerchief, which he also unfolds - to reveal a condom.
> The condom has a number of patches on it.
> The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
> “How much to repair it?” the Scot asks the chemist.
> “Six pence,” says the chemist.
> “How much for a new one?”
> “Ten pence,”says the chemist.
> The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square
> handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his
> sporran and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt
> swinging.
> A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside,
> followed by an even greater shout.
> The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the
> proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.
> “The regiment has taken a vote,” he says.
> “We’ll have a new one.



ok this is not a joke but it has some funny bits in it

and this one  roflmao

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. ... ... ... ... The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. ... ... The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus,I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said,'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' .... I just lost it

@ #e26.  Very Good

Which reminds me....

A young Scotsman wins 6 million in the lottery and the next thing you know there's friends coming out of the woodwork, begging letters arriving by the sackful.  To offset the greedy grab at his new-found wealth, he preempts each request and gives the person a crisp new 50 pound note.  Thing is, he doesn't realise just how much money he has gone through from his allotted charity amount, so when he gets to his father, who had heard about the 50 pound donations, all he had left was 20 pounds.

"So dad," he asked: "what are you going to do with your 25 quid?"

"Well, son," the father smugly replies: "when the registry office opens in the morning, I'm going down there to buy a marriage license.... then I'm going to ask a few friends around and I'm going to marry your mother."

                                                                 ...............................................................................................

Then there was the Scotsman who won 60 million on the football pools  After getting home from a double shift of triple overtime, his wife said they had sackfuls of mail, some were letters of congratulations, some were begging letters.  She was somewhat overwhelmed by it all and wasn't too sure as to what to do about them.

"So," she asked: "what should I do about all the begging letters?"

"Keep sending 'em," he replied: "keep sending 'em!"

HOW TO BE GRACIOUS   HE!!! HE !!!

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!

Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused. “Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,” she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.''

A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, ''Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another
occasion where you could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied, ''Of course I do, dear.....I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.''

(NOW I ASK YOU - IS THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE, ANYWHERE, WHO WOULDN'T ENJOY THIS STORY?)

Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often. But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected!

Women are Angels. And when someone breaks our wings....
We simply continue to fly ........ on a broomstick.....
We are flexible like that.

Damn…..we’re good at our job

HOW TO CLEAN THE HOUSE IN 2011 

1. Open a new file in your PC.
 
2. Name it 'Housework.'

3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN.

4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN.

5. Your PC will ask you, 'Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?'

6. Calmly answer,'Yes' and press mouse button firmly.

7. Feel better?


Works for me!

How the Internet Started

A revelation with an Incredibly Big Message (IBM):

Well, you might have thought that you knew how the Internet started, but here's the TRUE story ....

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.  
 
And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband: "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her - as though she were several saddle bags  short of a camel load, but simply said: "How, dear?"

And Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price.  
 
And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success.  
 
Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew.  
 
It  was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP)

But this success did arouse envy.. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of Abraham's business.  
 
But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted - for insider trading.

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.  They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer,
 
Brother William of Gates, who bought  off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say: "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said: "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied: "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO,"  said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated  Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.  
 
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE)

And that is how it all began.

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"

Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.

"How do you know this, Sister?"

"My Mother Superior told me so."

"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"

"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"

"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"

"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"

"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.

"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"

"Oh no! It's not that Nun again is it?"

ROFL @734, 5 & 6

this is not a joke but cool all the same

Housework was a woman's job,  but one evening, Janice arrived home from work to find the children  bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the  dryer.  Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was  astonished!

It turns out that Chuck had read an article that  said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework  were too tired to have sex'.

The night went very well. The  next day, Janice told her Red Hat friends all about it. 'We had a  great dinner. Chuck even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids  do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really  enjoyed the evening.'

'But what about afterward?' asked her  friends.

'Oh, that........... Chuck was too  tired.'

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands...

First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."
"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."
"Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left."

I didn't say it. I'm innocent I tell ya. Cause if I did I'd be lookin' over my shoulder wondering where the rolling pin is coming from. He he

They include: 
  
  
Bobby Darin ---
Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash

Ringo Starr ---
I Get By With A Little Help From Depends

The Bee Gees -- -
How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?

Roberta Flack---
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

Johnny Nash ---
I Can't See Clearly Now.?

Paul Simon---
Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver

The Commodores ---
Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom

Procol Harem---
A Whiter Shade Of Hair?

Leo Sayer --- 

You Make Me Feel Like Napping

The Temptations --- 

Papa's Got A Kidney Stone

Abba---
Denture Queen 
"You haven't seen my teeth have you Wilma?

Tony Orlando ---
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall

Helen Reddy ---
I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore

Leslie Gore---
It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To

And Last but NOT least...

Willie Nelson ---
On the Commode Again

ROFLMAO!!

This may or may not qualify but I thought it funny anyway.

Google is set to release Android 4.0 codenamed Ice Cream Sandwich. So I clicked on it and this is what I got. The Brand spanking new melt in your hand portable telephone.

http://images.search.yahoo.com/search/images;_ylt=A2KJ3CS4moVOIVcAjzXQtDMD?p=Ice+Cream+Sandwich&fr2=piv-news

  that could be a sticky mess

A Russian and an American wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic Gold Medal.

Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'Pretzel' hold he has, whatever you do don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!" The wrestler nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the American and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the American collapsed on top of him making the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded.

When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asked, "how did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!" The wrestler answered,"well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could." "So, the trainer exclaimed, 'that is what finished him off?!"

The wrestler responded, "Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls.

oops!!!    Good one Doc!!!

  I mean OUCH!!!

So... she was like screaming, "Give it to me! Give it to me NOW! I'm so effing wet!"

And I'm like, screw that. I'm keeping the umbrella!