Tired of constantly
being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.
  A 'friend of a friend'
put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for  snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.

The
husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his  wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few
days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Woolworths Supermarket store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However,
unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave
the store.
  Under intense
questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.   The next day in the
newspaper, the headline declared...

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ WOOLWORTHS  

A young cowboy from Texas goes off to college. Half way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Austin that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. "So how's Ol' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this. They've had such good results, they have started to teach the
animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class.." The money promptly arrives.
But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So, he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk to him!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot him so he can’t talk to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman.

The Grand Finale was great. and I like the bank robber. Stick 'em up.

Oh jeez. English humor.

, taz and Onklifiziert  

THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH  

A young Aussie  lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking  for a job. 

The manager asked 'Do you  have any sales experience?' 

The young  man answered 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home  in Dubbo.' 

The manager liked the Aussie  so he gave him the job. 

His first day  was challenging and busy, but he got through it.  

After the store was locked up, the  manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many  sales did you make today?'  


The Aussie said  'One!' 


The manager groaned and  continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average  20 or 30 sales a day. 


How much was  the sale for?' 
'£124,237.64p.'  

The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!!  
What the hell did you sell him?' 

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and  then I sold him a new fishing rod.'  


'Then I asked  him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.'  



'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4  x4 


The manager, incredulous, said,  'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'  


'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...

' Well, since your weekend's buggered,  you might as well go fishing.'  

A Methodist preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, Tyrone got in line. When it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Tyrone, what do you want me to pray about for you?"


Tyrone replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."   The preacher put one finger of one hand in Tyrone's ear, placed his other hand on top of Tyrone's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed.  He prayed a "blue streak" for Tyrone, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

 



After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Tyrone, how is your hearing now?"

Tyrone answered, "I don't know, Man.  It ain't 'til next week."

My favorite sitcom at the moment

Can't put in a video so here's the link

Well, must be a Forum problem. Click on the link to see the video