Zoo's W&W Headlines 4

'Borrowing' Doc's idea once again..I give you a run through of some headlines over the past half month and my delightfully witty commentary. (One can hope, eh? :P)  This'll be sort of long(good sample of zany headlines this time around)...so if you're looking to waste a few minutes settle in.

 

 

 

"Obama, McCain Camps Look for Florida Votes in Israel"--headline, Arizona Daily Star (Tucson), Oct. 16

Good luck.  Maybe we should pitch in and get them a globe?

 

"In Credit Crunch, New Yorkers Seek Fun in Crushing Own Grapes"--headline, Bloomberg, Oct. 16

"Honey, we can't afford any more kids.  It's time to crush your grapes...but let's have fun with it!"

 

"Space Smells of Steak, Says Nasa"--headline, Sun (London), Oct. 17

 

Cow astronauts spiral into Sun?

 

"Canadians Already Forgetting Dion"--headline, National Post (Canada), Oct. 16

 

Who?

 

" 'Hippie' Apes Not All Peace and Love"--headline, Globe and Mail (Toronto), Oct. 15

 

Also marijuana and lack of showering.

 

"Squirrel Roughs Up Iraq Veteran in Park"--headline, State Journal-Register (Springfield, Ill.), Oct. 14

 

Squirrels more dangerous than terrorists.

 

"Astronauts on Board ISS Forced to Wee in Space Again"--headline, Pravda, Oct. 14

Imagine the shrinkage at -454.761 degrees Fahrenheit.  (That's almost absolute zero)

 

"Poorly Nuked Food Can Make You Sick"--headline, Honolulu Advertiser, Oct. 15

If you thought food poisoning sucked, try it with radiation sickness.

 

"Surfing Internet May Keep Memories Sharp"--headline, NewsMax.com, Oct. 15

Hey, I've seen these boobies somewhere before!

 

"Disco Tune 'Stayin' Alive' Could Save Your Life"--headline, Reuters, Oct. 16

Hmm, I feel the city breakin and everybody shakin...what should I do?  Oh, that's right!

 

"Toyota Says New Small iQ Offers Quality"--headline, Associated Press, Oct. 15

 

Well, when you're too dumb to know the difference...

 

"Booze May Speed Shrinking of the Brain"--headline, Chicago Sun-Times, Oct. 14

 

This is news!?!?

 

"Man Who Argued He Was Too Fat to Die Is Executed"--headline, Rapid City (S.D.) Journal, Oct. 14

 

Guess he wasn't very persuasive.

 

"Man Tapes Woman's Mouth to Make Her Listen"--headline, Associated Press, Oct. 14

 

Most men only dream of doing this.

 

"Flaming Pet Rat Starts Fire, Damages Titusville Home"--headline, WFTV Web site (Orlando, Fla.), Oct. 13

 

You really should fireproof your house before getting your own flaming rat.  Some people just don't think it through.

 

"Text-Messaging Elephants Roam Wild in Kenya"--headline, FoxNews.com, Oct. 13

 

Their cell phones must be huge!

 

"What Happens After You Flush? RI Offers New Tour"--headline, Associated Press, Oct. 10

Maybe they can find our economy while they're down there.

 

"Zombies Invade Manhattan Beach"--headline, Daily Breeze (Torrance, Calif.), Oct. 11

 

No, those are just single issue voters.

 

"Maryland Nuns Branded as Suspected Terrorists"--headline, FoxNews.com, Oct. 11

I didn't know nuns were in the 'habit' of terrorism.   (sorry, that was an awful pun)

 

"Study: Intelligent Men Have the Best Sperm"--headline, FoxNews.com, Oct. 13

I think I just found my new pickup line.

 

"Premature Ejaculation: It's Not in Your Head"--headline, LiveScience.com, Oct. 12

Well, not anymore.

 

"Attorney: Jailed O.J. Believes He Was 'Railroaded' "--headline, Associated Press, Oct. 11

 

He's in prison...it's not hard to believe.

 

"Web TV Shows Porn, Without the Sex"--headline, Reuters, Oct. 9

 

Web TV:  Missing the point entirely

 

"Angry About Economy? Smash Some Plates and Move On"--headline, Reuters, Oct. 9

Fuck you! Have you seen the price of plates these days?

 

"Soccer Moms Accused of Breaking Into Several Homes"--headline, WKYT-TV Web site, Oct. 8

 

Well, you gotta do something while the kids are at practice.

 

" 'Satan' Attacks Police, Bank Employees"--headline, Salt Lake Tribune, Oct. 9

 

Somehow I thought Armageddon would be a bit more impressive.

 

"Fury Over Cat Eating Festival"--headline, Sun (London), Oct. 8

 

On Melmac it's business as usual.

 

 

"Dear Parents: Do Not Bring Rabid Bats to School for Show and Tell"--headline, Pantagraph (Bloomington, Ill.), Oct. 3

Sure, Foamy can nip a bit...but he loves kids.

 

"State Says Fish Pedicures Are Illegal"--headline, Seattle Times, Oct. 2

Shit...can I still give them manicures?

 

"Drivers Recently Hit by Their Own Cars"--headline, Florida Weekly (Fort Myers), Oct. 1

 

You need to be careful when you're ghost-riding the whip.

 

"Spam, Still Mystery Meat, Escapes Food-Label Rules"--headline, Bloomberg, Sept. 30

Spam is people!  IT'S PEOPLE!!!

 

"Crab Videotaped Riding Giant Jellyfish"--headline, United Press International, Sept. 30

Hot invertebrate action.

 

"Horny Goat Weed Could Be Better Than Viagra"--headline, NewScientist.com, Sept. 26

It's got 'horny' right there in the name!

"History Channel Documents Tater Tots"--headline, Associated Press, Sept. 25

Well, looks like they've covered everything else history has to offer.

"Best to Hit Deer Than Swerve Off Road"--headline, London (Ontario) Free Press, Sept. 25

I believe the deer would beg to differ.

 

"Man Passes Gas, Charged With Battery on Officer"--headline, WSAZ-TV Web site (Huntington, W.Va.), Sept. 24

Probably should've skipped the burritos.

 

And there ya have it, folks.

 

~Zoo