More Adventures in Single Land!!!
I"m BACKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK! :)
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JoeUser Forums
Well hello :)I'm back...three months later. Bit sick of work....been finishing the PhD...all hail the Doctor:) Have also been seeing someone for about hmmm two months and have managed...as per usual...to get myself in a bit of a pickle. Gee...how abnormal! (NOT!!).
Ok....where to start. Well I get this email around the beginning of August...it starts out with "how strict are you on your age parameters?" My online profile said 33 to 40. So I emailed back and said it depends. On the person.... but I was fairly strict. Turns out he's 46. Well no worries...no harm in talking to him. So we chat via email...and then on MSN. Divorced, two kids, travelled around Aus on a motorcycle when his marriage came apart...sounds fairly well sorted, split was 4 years ago. First conversation we talked for 5 hours, second for 4.5 hours and third for 4 hours (this is phone conversations...). After three nights of this I said "you'd better meet me for a beer...." so we agreed to meet up. I have to say the phone conversations we amazing. And I am phenomenally careful about calling someone, or letting them call me. No long silences, lots in common and all packaged in a nice deep voice.
I don't know how many of you have been on blind dates but those of you who have no the feeling, the fervid praying that goes on when you're on your way to meet someone. "Please God...make this one be normal...can he not look like a soon to be returned convict...can he string two coherent sentences together...don't let me get drunk....:)" I'm sure guys do some of the same kind of praying (most likely for a different outcome though...grin). Well I rock up to the pub and lay eyes on "Pete" and think "no way....". This is a lovely man, absolutely lovely but I was not attracted to him at all. He's an ex Queenslander, completely gray, perma tanned and wrinkled. NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT! (before you all leap on me...) but it isn't for me. But you know, I got pissed off at myself and thought "this is the SAME guy you liked so much on the phone" Cmon! . You wonder if you can really be that shallow. Anyway...bit of a fast forward...in the bedroom the guys amazing, which was a nice surprise. Very nice, considering some of the...ahem...interesting experiences I've had. I mean he actually comes with accessories!!! (Pardon the pun :)) Fair dinkum...never met a guy who comes equipped with toys. I have to admit I was a bit disoncerted at first but once I got used to the idea...lets just say I got REALLY used to the idea:) After buying an autoclave of course.....:)
Ok here's the rub....sigh....I have never got beyond sort of mild attraction/fondness for this person. You know how you KNOW its not going to go anywhere further than that? And I feel like a real SHIT. I feel like what I don't think I am...a shallow, appearance stuck bitch. It isn't only that though. He is a bit of a traditionalist and I am not. I think at this point in his life he is looking for someone to curl up with on the couch and just be with. I am not looking for that...I think our differences were best illustrated the other day when he said that if he is given and option....say a fantastic well paid job, but there is some risk involved, a move to another state, a one year contract stipulation he would stay with the job he has now, which while being fairly secure ( I mean what is these days) but underpaid by a terrific amount and a bit politically fraught. I would always take the risk. I have no problems with not having everything nailed down tight because I don't fear that I won't land on my feet. I always seem too
And I want adventures as well...an interesting, varied life. And you don't get that on a couch...:)
My best friend in the world came over from Melbourne a little over a month ago...celebrating the completion of her PhD. And she met "Pete" and really liked him. But when I talked to her about this conumdrum she said she has always seen me living either way up in the NT or in Queensland (both where I want to go) and ending up with a rancher or a lawyer or a marine biologist (!!!) for a partner. Someone energetic and switched on. That is the other thing, is that "Pete" naps alot, now don't laugh but lack of energy is a real problem. And I don't mean for sex I just mean in general...we'll make plans to do someone and if moto-racing is on he'll watch that instead. Last weekend he ended up snoring in his underwear in front of moto-cross in the lazyboy. Nothing wrong with that but it isn't my scene at all. This is ok in the short term as I like his company both in and out of bed but it is a no go zone in the long term. And I know it.
The thing is is he has suggested i move in with him in January until I find my own place as my PhD is winding down, I have to find a job etc, get settled and get my kids out here. I have TOLD him a zillion times that it would only be temporary and that I would pay half of everything. It will help him financially but it makes me feel so......stifled. I spent alot of last week with him at his place and was relieved to take a break. The idea of living with someone actually fills me with horror, it literally makes me feel a bit panicky. Its funny when my marriage broke up I went hell for leather trying to replace what I thought I'd lost and we all know how that turned out (story of the Greek boy....). Now I find I actually LIKE having my own place and my own space. It isnt' that I don't want a relationship its that I don't want one that has to ultimately lead "somewhere" like being defacto within six months...or a year...or even two. But its also that I'm not in love with this man....I am happy to spend time with him but 7 out of 7? No...I think you have to really REALLY love someone to want to do that. (grin).
Pleah...what I hate so much about this is you recognise the potential to hurt someone and that is why I am upset about it. I HATE hurting people, its a cliche to say it but I do. It is a very good piece of advice to give yourself a couple of years after a divorce to let it all settle down (like silt) and see how you feel about it all. My ideas of what I wanted at the time of the break up have radically altered. Sigh....he also tends to act a bit patriarchal towards me which I absolutely HATE. He doesn't like being challenged at all, and can get quite stroppy and short if he's tired or preoccupied. And yes I do realise that sooner or later y ou have to deal with reality and these things happen but I'm not quite ready 2 months into the relationship. I just see it as a pattern developing that I think once the kid gloves are off could be difficult to live with. And I want someone that will move with me if I have to go to another state that likes to camp and backpack and is very energetic and relaxed.
I know what you are all thinking these sound like minor picky things...and in another context they would be...but the fact is he feels like a friend...a good one..instead of a partner and what you will forgive in a friend can drive you mad in a partner.
Other than that....:) all is well...
Cheers!
Cin
Ok....where to start. Well I get this email around the beginning of August...it starts out with "how strict are you on your age parameters?" My online profile said 33 to 40. So I emailed back and said it depends. On the person.... but I was fairly strict. Turns out he's 46. Well no worries...no harm in talking to him. So we chat via email...and then on MSN. Divorced, two kids, travelled around Aus on a motorcycle when his marriage came apart...sounds fairly well sorted, split was 4 years ago. First conversation we talked for 5 hours, second for 4.5 hours and third for 4 hours (this is phone conversations...). After three nights of this I said "you'd better meet me for a beer...." so we agreed to meet up. I have to say the phone conversations we amazing. And I am phenomenally careful about calling someone, or letting them call me. No long silences, lots in common and all packaged in a nice deep voice.
I don't know how many of you have been on blind dates but those of you who have no the feeling, the fervid praying that goes on when you're on your way to meet someone. "Please God...make this one be normal...can he not look like a soon to be returned convict...can he string two coherent sentences together...don't let me get drunk....:)" I'm sure guys do some of the same kind of praying (most likely for a different outcome though...grin). Well I rock up to the pub and lay eyes on "Pete" and think "no way....". This is a lovely man, absolutely lovely but I was not attracted to him at all. He's an ex Queenslander, completely gray, perma tanned and wrinkled. NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT! (before you all leap on me...) but it isn't for me. But you know, I got pissed off at myself and thought "this is the SAME guy you liked so much on the phone" Cmon! . You wonder if you can really be that shallow. Anyway...bit of a fast forward...in the bedroom the guys amazing, which was a nice surprise. Very nice, considering some of the...ahem...interesting experiences I've had. I mean he actually comes with accessories!!! (Pardon the pun :)) Fair dinkum...never met a guy who comes equipped with toys. I have to admit I was a bit disoncerted at first but once I got used to the idea...lets just say I got REALLY used to the idea:) After buying an autoclave of course.....:)
Ok here's the rub....sigh....I have never got beyond sort of mild attraction/fondness for this person. You know how you KNOW its not going to go anywhere further than that? And I feel like a real SHIT. I feel like what I don't think I am...a shallow, appearance stuck bitch. It isn't only that though. He is a bit of a traditionalist and I am not. I think at this point in his life he is looking for someone to curl up with on the couch and just be with. I am not looking for that...I think our differences were best illustrated the other day when he said that if he is given and option....say a fantastic well paid job, but there is some risk involved, a move to another state, a one year contract stipulation he would stay with the job he has now, which while being fairly secure ( I mean what is these days) but underpaid by a terrific amount and a bit politically fraught. I would always take the risk. I have no problems with not having everything nailed down tight because I don't fear that I won't land on my feet. I always seem too
And I want adventures as well...an interesting, varied life. And you don't get that on a couch...:)My best friend in the world came over from Melbourne a little over a month ago...celebrating the completion of her PhD. And she met "Pete" and really liked him. But when I talked to her about this conumdrum she said she has always seen me living either way up in the NT or in Queensland (both where I want to go) and ending up with a rancher or a lawyer or a marine biologist (!!!) for a partner. Someone energetic and switched on. That is the other thing, is that "Pete" naps alot, now don't laugh but lack of energy is a real problem. And I don't mean for sex I just mean in general...we'll make plans to do someone and if moto-racing is on he'll watch that instead. Last weekend he ended up snoring in his underwear in front of moto-cross in the lazyboy. Nothing wrong with that but it isn't my scene at all. This is ok in the short term as I like his company both in and out of bed but it is a no go zone in the long term. And I know it.
The thing is is he has suggested i move in with him in January until I find my own place as my PhD is winding down, I have to find a job etc, get settled and get my kids out here. I have TOLD him a zillion times that it would only be temporary and that I would pay half of everything. It will help him financially but it makes me feel so......stifled. I spent alot of last week with him at his place and was relieved to take a break. The idea of living with someone actually fills me with horror, it literally makes me feel a bit panicky. Its funny when my marriage broke up I went hell for leather trying to replace what I thought I'd lost and we all know how that turned out (story of the Greek boy....). Now I find I actually LIKE having my own place and my own space. It isnt' that I don't want a relationship its that I don't want one that has to ultimately lead "somewhere" like being defacto within six months...or a year...or even two. But its also that I'm not in love with this man....I am happy to spend time with him but 7 out of 7? No...I think you have to really REALLY love someone to want to do that. (grin).
Pleah...what I hate so much about this is you recognise the potential to hurt someone and that is why I am upset about it. I HATE hurting people, its a cliche to say it but I do. It is a very good piece of advice to give yourself a couple of years after a divorce to let it all settle down (like silt) and see how you feel about it all. My ideas of what I wanted at the time of the break up have radically altered. Sigh....he also tends to act a bit patriarchal towards me which I absolutely HATE. He doesn't like being challenged at all, and can get quite stroppy and short if he's tired or preoccupied. And yes I do realise that sooner or later y ou have to deal with reality and these things happen but I'm not quite ready 2 months into the relationship. I just see it as a pattern developing that I think once the kid gloves are off could be difficult to live with. And I want someone that will move with me if I have to go to another state that likes to camp and backpack and is very energetic and relaxed.
I know what you are all thinking these sound like minor picky things...and in another context they would be...but the fact is he feels like a friend...a good one..instead of a partner and what you will forgive in a friend can drive you mad in a partner.
Other than that....:) all is well...
Cheers!
Cin