The Zen of Relationship

from JoeUser Forums
With palms together,
Good Morning Everyone,
 
This morning Judy, Eve, Allen and me hiked through the desert, a desert saturated by summer rains.  I have never seen our desert so lush, green everywhere.  There were grasses growing on the desert floor and flowering plants in bloom everywhere. We took a trail we don't take very often and then went up an arroyo.  The arroyo was a wide swath cut wider and deeper by the recent raging water coming down from the Organ mountains. From the arroyo we bush whacked across the ridges to get back to another trail that would take us to our starting point.  By the time we were done, we were really feeling the effects of rugged hiking. After a breakfast of cold cereal we talked extensively.  Judy and I do this from time to time.  Sometimes its pleasant, sometimes not, but in the end, we feel closer together for it.  

How does Zen fit into our relationships with each other?  Buddhists are often accused of being self-absorbed naval gazers.  Zen is often practiced in silence, facing a wall, and is known to be quite introspective.  What then is the Zen of relationships?  As My Little Honey has often pointed out, "There is the Zen of everything, why don't I ever hear about relationships?"
 
What might be the practice principles of relational Zen?
 
I suspect they are similar to all Zen principles: a focus on attending to the moment, as it is, and for the activity occurring within it.  It is not about blanking out or zoning out when in the middle of a stressful conversation with a loved one.  Nor is it about not being upset or angry. The Zen of relationships is about our relationship to our relationship. And its about being authentic in the process.
 
Are we present in our relationship? Do we open ourselves to our partner?  Do we allow ourselves to be vulnerable? Are we compassionate or do we close the door to our open heart as soon as the going gets tough?
 
I know from my point of view, a view not always shared by My Little Honey, I am a compassionate and caring person, present in the moment most of the time. But I am not always there for her and I am not always open or compassionate. The balance is not just between who and what am I there for, it goes deeper than that.
 
We speak of non-self, of dropping away of self, of the fact that self is itself an illusion.  Yet, wherever we go, there we are.  Self is present. Its our relationship to it that matters so much. When we start with self, big problem.  When we start with other, also big problem. Our start and finish really must be in our relationship with everything. 
 
When I say "I", I am including the universe within that construct. I and other are one. Maybe we should replace "I" with "we" in most of our conversations, including internal conversations. Maybe "We" Zen is the Zen of relationship. Sort of like Martin Buber's I-Thou word pair.  We must consider Big Mind and Small Mind as One Mind.  Just so, "I" and "You" are "We", a singularity of its own, but complete and universal.
 
Yet all of this comes to nothing, is mere mental masturbation, if we do not have the willingness or develop the skill to apply it.
 
What do you think are the skills necessary to apply the Zen of Relationship?
 
Be well.
religion
1,988 views 4 replies
Reply #1 from Stardock Forums Top

I was reading your post on Greywar's blog.  I suspect that not getting a lot of responses has a lot to do with people not being very familiar with Buddhism and the actual meaning of Zen.

I live in a mainly Buddhist country (Japan) and I can't say that living here has taught me more about it.  I have been to a lot of nice temples and seen some amazing art.

I've read about the Eightfold Path and four truths but can't recall them at the moment (just to illustrate where I am in terms of my connection to these concepts).

What I know about Zen is about being mindful of what one is experiencing and reading what you wrote above.

I'll take a stab at you question regarding the necessary skills for the  Zen of Relationship.

 

I think being mindful in a relationship means to appreciate it and to take part in it rather than to contemplate it.  This will seem a strange example, but in regards to food, I think one can be more mindful when cooking and chewing food slowly rather than getting take out, gulping it down and thinking, "wow, I'm glad I have food."  The example above hopefully illustrates to common approaches in life.  The first, we demonstrate care in our preparation and appreciation by taking our time.  It is the more healthy approach but takes more time.  The second is faster but given mainly lip service.

I think one can't simply be in a relationship, expect all the good stuff without working for it and simply say, "Wow, I'm glad I'm in a relationship" and have that be enough and emotionally healthy.

Part of Zen is learning from experience, right?  The other aspect is to learn from/about your partner and learn about yourself.  What are the emotional triggers both have?  Why are they being pulled?  How to avoid/defuse them.  Learning when things in the relationship are about you and when they are not (sometimes a sigh has nothing to do with how one feels about the partner but more about internal problems of the other and isn't something to react to).

I agree with your last part.  Learning when to be "we" and how to demonstrate "we" is important.

Reply #2 from Stardock Forums Top

"What do you think are the skills necessary to apply the Zen of Relationship?"

Chicks do NOT dig the Zen.  They need The Beast.  Zen and relationship do not belong in the same sentence.  Yes, some exceptions apply.

 

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Reply #3 from Stardock Forums Top

Chicks do NOT dig the Zen. They need The Beast. Zen and relationship do not belong in the same sentence. Yes, some exceptions apply.

LOL.  It was zen and relationships not zen and sex. The beast is too exhausting in a relationship.  It would be totally zen to know when to chain and release the beast.

Reply #4 from JoeUser Forums Top
Hello Daffy, In my Zendo, most participants are women. I assume they "dig" Zen.
Momijiki has the right idea regards the Zen of the Beast.

Bows to you both.