Tomorrow Is the First Day of a New Beginning
Love.....a very hard thing to find
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I've done it!!!! I'm freeing myself from this miserable existance that I've called a life for the last year. Once and for all! I got in contact with a shelter, and will be going there tomorrow. Unbenounced to Tommy, he doesn't know a thing. Neither does Ron. My biggest concern, over my ownself, was my kitties. I love them dearly, and departing from the only thing that I really cherish broke my heart.
The other day, I mentioned that Ron had a bug up his butt. Well, today, it all came to a head. I have just about given up on things, because I wasn't quite sure what was going to happen in my life. Things were up in the air. I knew that Dave had decided that I had two weeks to get my cats out. And, with what he said, I took it that he wanted me out at the same time. Anyway, I was frantic. I didn't want to have to get rid of them to just anyway, and besides, Ron was being a jerk lately, so I wanted out. Tommy too, has been a total a**. So I have been trying my hardest to get out of here.
Anyway, my cats like to get up on top of the closet because there's boxes up there. I mean, I don't see anything wrong with that. They like the height, and the safety of it. But, Ron's been a jerk about it, and my cat, Spazz, was up there. He told me that I'd better get a crate or they'd be out the door tonight. I told him, in not such nice tones, "How am I supposed to do that? I don't have a car." He came back with an attitude, and I just lost it. I told him that if he remembered, HE moved in here after I did, and that in the beginning, I didn't want him here. He just took over. He said, "Who's paying the bills?" But, if Tommy hadn't let that jerk stay here...which in the beginning was supposed to be only 2 weeks....then he wouldn't be here now taking over.
It's been a progressive thing. He came here, brown-nosed Dave, the landlord with his lies, and got Dave to get all over Tommy's butt about stupid little things. So that made Tommy angry, and went to Phoenix to find a job...but failed..and got stuck there. So, ok, Ron won that round by getting Tommy out of the picture. He began wearing just his underwear to bed...I don't know..I guess it was a scheme to try to get me enticed or something. Anyway, he gave me money to pay for the excise tax, and I think that he thought that that might buy me into bed. Anyway, it's been since then that he's been a horrible, mean, attitude filled person. I didn't give him me so he got all butt hurt about it. So, in his covetous little mind, he decides ok, she's not giving me what I think I deserve, I'm going to get rid of her cats. Well...did he think that by getting my cats thrown out, that would make life all peachy keen?
I told Tommy about it this morning, and he got on Ron about it, as I handed Ron the phone. So, Ron got it through his thick skull that my cats don't get put outside, no matter what. Now, when Ron comes home tomorrow, he's going to find me and the cats gone. I've gotten to a point where I can't take it anymore. He won...he got this apt right out from under our feet. But, he didn't really win anything. The one thing I think he wanted, me, is going as well. If my cats go...I go, and it's as simple as that. As for Tommy, he still thinks that I'm moving to Phoenix. I haven't told him anything otherwise either. I don't want him knowing what's going on. He's in the hospital, yet again....for about the 8th time. I just want my freedom to be me. That's all I want. I've got everything set up where I am going to store my stuff....have my cats taken care of and be able to get them back, and then when I'm ready, retrieve my dishware and computer and cats. I'll be quite happy.
There's only one couple who knows exactly where I'm going....and I know that if Tommy were to call them and find out where I've gone to, they 'won't know'. I'm disappearing into the sunset like I wanted. I've gotten pretty much everything packed up ready to go. Tomorrow, I'm taking my computer to a safe haven as well...and by tomorrow night, I'll be at the selected shelter. I mean, if this is what it takes to get me back on my feet again, and not living this....this so-called life...then so be it. That's what I'll do. I just want to know that I'll be able to get a place, and have my precious babies with me. I bargained with God today. I asked Him, why had He given me these animals in the first place to take care of , love , and be responsible for, then just to have them ripped from me?
Well, earlier today, I got a call from a lady that said someone would be calling me. She told me about a woman who would take my cats, and then when I was on my feet, I'd be able to get them back. I was sooo happy. I had actually been on the bathroom floor, sitting, balling my eyes out, asking WHY?? I didn't care where I 'd end up...just not my cats...that's all I asked for. I had thought about going back to Tommy....for a fleeting moment, not knowing what to do...but then I thought about what I went through for the last year...and no...I can't do that. Then tonight, I got the call from the lady who said she would hold my cats, neuter them, and care for them until I was able to get on my feet. She asked me how come I had to do this...and I told her I was going into a shelter. I think that helped my case. I mean, if it weren't that I have to end up in a shelter, then of course I'd never dream of putting these cats anywhere but with me.
I thank God for Mary, she's been such an angel to me in my time of need. That woman's been everything for me, and she will continue to be there for me, even though I am having to move about an hour away. I won't be close to my church anymore....and I won't be able to get here often, but Mary and I will stay in close contact. I know this. She's been everything to me that my own mother has never been. People come into your life for a reason and a season...and I believe that Mary's come into my life as an angel to help me through my hardships. She's taken me on as though I am her daughter. The love I have felt from her and her husband has been unlike anyone's ever given me...even when I've been married.
Growing up, I never felt this much love from someone as that woman has given me. When you don't know what love is from family...you cherish it when you get it. That's why I love my cats...they give me love that most people can not. And, I have to say, Mary is the only woman I've ever found that's given me love without ever expecting back...other than my son...I have no one that loves me. It's rough when you're told when you're a young girl that you're not loved by your own parents. It's even harder when you're 38 and are told by your aunt that your mother has never loved you. But, Mary tells me she does all the time. It's such a special gift that I've been given in finding Mary. I can't express, in words, what it's like to be 40 years old, and finally experience love....real love from someone that truly cares about your existance. Now, of course, I like being with a man, yes. That's natural...a God-given gift. I'm not talking about sexual love here, either, when I'm talking about love. Mary's love is the motherly love that I should have had from my own birth mother, the woman who raised me. But, I never experienced that. No. My mother loved my brother, because he was male...and I was a lowly female. I wasn't worth anything to her.
I have been tossed about by people in this world. Cast off like an old shoe. I felt like that last summer when my husband, whom I am still married to, cast me out like I was just a old shoe that was worn out. It hurt deeply, because I had, in fact, really truly loved him. I thought we had something special. Sometimes, I still do. I sometimes wish that we could rekindle our love. We were, so I thought, soul-mates. We shared so much in common it was scarey sometimes. I could read his thoughts, and sometimes know what he was going to say. We were really, really close. My life was centered around that man. Nothing else mattered. I thought I had been loved, finally. I cared about him, cared enough to help him attain healthy eating habits, helped him get motivated to going back to school instead of sitting behind the tv all day long doing nothing, and even helped him when he needed help with school work. And then, blam...I was out of the picture, a nothing once again. Thrown away.
Jack and I have been talking again, actually. I haven't told him, but it feels like old times in talking to him. I still have feelings for him. I still remember all those times that we shared, that were good. We had many. The day we were married was the happiest day of my life. We're still married, and I wish that we could have our marriage back. I hadn't thought much about it until recently, and I find myself missing that marriage. I don't dare bring myself to ask him straight out if, when I get back on my feet, he'd move out here and we can try to work our life out again. I know he misses me. I asked him today, if he still thought about us...if he still remembered the good times...and he said he did. I don't even know why I'm suddenly feeling this way again. I have had to really work on forgiving him...but I wrote him last week, and told him that I hate the fact that we're enemies. I'm a Christian woman, and we're not supposed to be like that with each other. It's not that this relationship failed with Tommy. No...when Jack and I have talked, we've actually had fun. Does he feel the same way I do, I wonder? I don't know.
Anyway, tomorrow, I'll be putting my computer away for awhile. If there's a library near the shelter, oh I'll be writing in here. I can't stay away from my writing. And when I get on my feet again, I'll get it back, and start back where I left off. So, for now. I'm signing off until further notice. Pray for me
The other day, I mentioned that Ron had a bug up his butt. Well, today, it all came to a head. I have just about given up on things, because I wasn't quite sure what was going to happen in my life. Things were up in the air. I knew that Dave had decided that I had two weeks to get my cats out. And, with what he said, I took it that he wanted me out at the same time. Anyway, I was frantic. I didn't want to have to get rid of them to just anyway, and besides, Ron was being a jerk lately, so I wanted out. Tommy too, has been a total a**. So I have been trying my hardest to get out of here.
Anyway, my cats like to get up on top of the closet because there's boxes up there. I mean, I don't see anything wrong with that. They like the height, and the safety of it. But, Ron's been a jerk about it, and my cat, Spazz, was up there. He told me that I'd better get a crate or they'd be out the door tonight. I told him, in not such nice tones, "How am I supposed to do that? I don't have a car." He came back with an attitude, and I just lost it. I told him that if he remembered, HE moved in here after I did, and that in the beginning, I didn't want him here. He just took over. He said, "Who's paying the bills?" But, if Tommy hadn't let that jerk stay here...which in the beginning was supposed to be only 2 weeks....then he wouldn't be here now taking over.
It's been a progressive thing. He came here, brown-nosed Dave, the landlord with his lies, and got Dave to get all over Tommy's butt about stupid little things. So that made Tommy angry, and went to Phoenix to find a job...but failed..and got stuck there. So, ok, Ron won that round by getting Tommy out of the picture. He began wearing just his underwear to bed...I don't know..I guess it was a scheme to try to get me enticed or something. Anyway, he gave me money to pay for the excise tax, and I think that he thought that that might buy me into bed. Anyway, it's been since then that he's been a horrible, mean, attitude filled person. I didn't give him me so he got all butt hurt about it. So, in his covetous little mind, he decides ok, she's not giving me what I think I deserve, I'm going to get rid of her cats. Well...did he think that by getting my cats thrown out, that would make life all peachy keen?
I told Tommy about it this morning, and he got on Ron about it, as I handed Ron the phone. So, Ron got it through his thick skull that my cats don't get put outside, no matter what. Now, when Ron comes home tomorrow, he's going to find me and the cats gone. I've gotten to a point where I can't take it anymore. He won...he got this apt right out from under our feet. But, he didn't really win anything. The one thing I think he wanted, me, is going as well. If my cats go...I go, and it's as simple as that. As for Tommy, he still thinks that I'm moving to Phoenix. I haven't told him anything otherwise either. I don't want him knowing what's going on. He's in the hospital, yet again....for about the 8th time. I just want my freedom to be me. That's all I want. I've got everything set up where I am going to store my stuff....have my cats taken care of and be able to get them back, and then when I'm ready, retrieve my dishware and computer and cats. I'll be quite happy.
There's only one couple who knows exactly where I'm going....and I know that if Tommy were to call them and find out where I've gone to, they 'won't know'. I'm disappearing into the sunset like I wanted. I've gotten pretty much everything packed up ready to go. Tomorrow, I'm taking my computer to a safe haven as well...and by tomorrow night, I'll be at the selected shelter. I mean, if this is what it takes to get me back on my feet again, and not living this....this so-called life...then so be it. That's what I'll do. I just want to know that I'll be able to get a place, and have my precious babies with me. I bargained with God today. I asked Him, why had He given me these animals in the first place to take care of , love , and be responsible for, then just to have them ripped from me?
Well, earlier today, I got a call from a lady that said someone would be calling me. She told me about a woman who would take my cats, and then when I was on my feet, I'd be able to get them back. I was sooo happy. I had actually been on the bathroom floor, sitting, balling my eyes out, asking WHY?? I didn't care where I 'd end up...just not my cats...that's all I asked for. I had thought about going back to Tommy....for a fleeting moment, not knowing what to do...but then I thought about what I went through for the last year...and no...I can't do that. Then tonight, I got the call from the lady who said she would hold my cats, neuter them, and care for them until I was able to get on my feet. She asked me how come I had to do this...and I told her I was going into a shelter. I think that helped my case. I mean, if it weren't that I have to end up in a shelter, then of course I'd never dream of putting these cats anywhere but with me.
I thank God for Mary, she's been such an angel to me in my time of need. That woman's been everything for me, and she will continue to be there for me, even though I am having to move about an hour away. I won't be close to my church anymore....and I won't be able to get here often, but Mary and I will stay in close contact. I know this. She's been everything to me that my own mother has never been. People come into your life for a reason and a season...and I believe that Mary's come into my life as an angel to help me through my hardships. She's taken me on as though I am her daughter. The love I have felt from her and her husband has been unlike anyone's ever given me...even when I've been married.
Growing up, I never felt this much love from someone as that woman has given me. When you don't know what love is from family...you cherish it when you get it. That's why I love my cats...they give me love that most people can not. And, I have to say, Mary is the only woman I've ever found that's given me love without ever expecting back...other than my son...I have no one that loves me. It's rough when you're told when you're a young girl that you're not loved by your own parents. It's even harder when you're 38 and are told by your aunt that your mother has never loved you. But, Mary tells me she does all the time. It's such a special gift that I've been given in finding Mary. I can't express, in words, what it's like to be 40 years old, and finally experience love....real love from someone that truly cares about your existance. Now, of course, I like being with a man, yes. That's natural...a God-given gift. I'm not talking about sexual love here, either, when I'm talking about love. Mary's love is the motherly love that I should have had from my own birth mother, the woman who raised me. But, I never experienced that. No. My mother loved my brother, because he was male...and I was a lowly female. I wasn't worth anything to her.
I have been tossed about by people in this world. Cast off like an old shoe. I felt like that last summer when my husband, whom I am still married to, cast me out like I was just a old shoe that was worn out. It hurt deeply, because I had, in fact, really truly loved him. I thought we had something special. Sometimes, I still do. I sometimes wish that we could rekindle our love. We were, so I thought, soul-mates. We shared so much in common it was scarey sometimes. I could read his thoughts, and sometimes know what he was going to say. We were really, really close. My life was centered around that man. Nothing else mattered. I thought I had been loved, finally. I cared about him, cared enough to help him attain healthy eating habits, helped him get motivated to going back to school instead of sitting behind the tv all day long doing nothing, and even helped him when he needed help with school work. And then, blam...I was out of the picture, a nothing once again. Thrown away.
Jack and I have been talking again, actually. I haven't told him, but it feels like old times in talking to him. I still have feelings for him. I still remember all those times that we shared, that were good. We had many. The day we were married was the happiest day of my life. We're still married, and I wish that we could have our marriage back. I hadn't thought much about it until recently, and I find myself missing that marriage. I don't dare bring myself to ask him straight out if, when I get back on my feet, he'd move out here and we can try to work our life out again. I know he misses me. I asked him today, if he still thought about us...if he still remembered the good times...and he said he did. I don't even know why I'm suddenly feeling this way again. I have had to really work on forgiving him...but I wrote him last week, and told him that I hate the fact that we're enemies. I'm a Christian woman, and we're not supposed to be like that with each other. It's not that this relationship failed with Tommy. No...when Jack and I have talked, we've actually had fun. Does he feel the same way I do, I wonder? I don't know.
Anyway, tomorrow, I'll be putting my computer away for awhile. If there's a library near the shelter, oh I'll be writing in here. I can't stay away from my writing. And when I get on my feet again, I'll get it back, and start back where I left off. So, for now. I'm signing off until further notice. Pray for me
