Sandra Bullock's Best Movie? Worst?

        Last week Sandra Bullock celebrated her 40th birthday. (Do you really "celebrate" turning 40? I mean, there are still fingernail marks in the floor from my being dragged into 30. -- Yeah, I know, I have to get in front of the wave with my blogs; I'm always playing catch-up.) Here are my thoughts on the best, worst, and most watchable Sandra Bullock movies.

Sandra Bullock's Best Movie

        Okay, no pussy-footing, right out of the gate let's give the people what they want. If you are talking about quality of filmmaking, Sandra's best movie hands down has to be "In Love and War," the stirring romantic and tragic tale of young Ernest Hemingway's love for an older-woman nurse during World War I. Directed by the immortal Richard Attenborough this film is sumptuous class all the way. A fantastic, touching, lush, beautiful film. (That's right, I used "the f-word" -- FILM!) Watch the widescreen version. Trying to watch the fullscreen version is like watching television with your nose pressed against the screen: everything is really huge and 75% of the picture is out of your field of vision. $5.50 at your local Wal-Mart. Why are you still sitting there? Oh yeah, I promised you more....

Sandra Bullock's Most Overlooked Movie

        I'll give this one to "Gun Shy" even though she's only a supporting character. This film has a bumpy "What the hell is happening?" start and is definitely on the quirky, artsy-fartsy side, but Sandra is delightful and the film works just well enough to deserve at least a single viewing.

Sandra Bullock's Worst Movie

        At first I thought of "Love Potion No. 9." Then the atrocity that was "Two if by Sea" came to mind. (Dennis Leary, how could you? Actually, Dennis Leary in just about anything should be a warning sign.) But, and I thought I had totally purged it, the absolute worst Sandra Bullock movie of all time presented itself to my reluctant memory. This isn't just the all time worst Sandra Bullock movie it may be one of the all time worst movies ever made. The winner, um, loser? "Fire on the Amazon." I'm not going to describe it because my description would only make it sound interesting and you might be suckered into losing a good hour+ of your life. Trust me: RUN! Run for you lifes! Grab the children and get out of here while you can!!!! My duty here is done.

        (Don't you hate it when you squish a bug and it melds to your finger so no amount of rubbing or scraping will remove it? You just permanently have this little bug face on your thumb, staring up at you like, "Dude, that was so uncool." Damn, gnat on the monitor. -- Sorry, I was distracted. Shiny objects and all that. Uh-oh, people are staring... tie it all in quick... Well that's exactly what this movie will be like, stuck like a squished bug in the middle of your horrified brain, if you don't take my advice and you stupidly dare to watch it! Yeah, good recovery, no-one even noticed.)

        "Fire on the Amazon" is most famous for Sandra Bullock's "nude" scene. She even tried to have the film killed. Listen -- she is not nude. She might have been naked when they filmed it but you don't see a bloody thing. I know. I paused, zoomed, squinted, and used the highest powered microscopes known to man. Zero, zip, zilch, noda. You get far more nudity during the average NYPD Blue episode, This film was nonsensically hit with an NC-17. I bet it could be played on basic cable with hardly an edit. YAWN. Assuming it isn't a body double, which it may well be, it's my opinion you see more of Sandra Bullock naked watching "In Love and War." At least you can make out her butt.

        (Great, now I am going to get all those Google hits for "Sandra Bullock naked" and "Sandra Bullock's butt.")

Sandra Bullock's Most Underrated Movie

        "Speed 2: Cruise Control." It's pretty good, actually. "Two thumbs up," even. The major flaw in it is that Jason Patric should have been playing Keanu Reeves' character. The idea that she's involved with another hazardous duty cop and doesn't know it after her supposed breakup with Keanu's character from the first film does not work. Ignore that stuff. Pretend it's the same male character being played by a different actor and it's a much better movie.

Sandra Bullock's Most Re-Watchable Movie (and probably my favorite)

        I think the most re-watchable of all Sandra's movies may well be "Hope Floats." I couldn't count the number of times I have seen this film. I've even been known to watch it 2 or 3 times in a row. It is the perfect "depression" movie. Feeling low? Get yourself a crate of cheesecake, put "Hope Floats" on loop and sit there in your pajamas staring at the TV for a week. It's great fun. Try it.

        The first time I tried to watch "Hope Floats" disaster struck. I had just bought the movie (Wal-Mart again), brought it home, and put it straight into the VCR. Less than 30 minutes from the end, my VCR ate the tape. (No, DVDs don't solve that problem. My DVD has played magically disappearing and reappearing DVD with me.) Every time I would tell someone this they would start laughing hysterically. But no-one would tell me how the movie ended, darn it! They would just laugh like it was some kind of punchline. Hey, some "audience participation" here! How does the film end!?!?! Anyway, I finally got out a screwdriver, took the offending machinery apart, rescued my tape, put it in my newly purchased VCR and got to see the end.

        (Do not watch "Hope Floats" on television! They chop the thing to pieces. They even cut the ending! They actually cut the part that contains the line about hope floating!!! Arrrrgh!!! Seriously, there's important stuff during that ending. ABC and their ABC Family channel, which cut a nearly 2 hour movie down to 2 hours with commercials, ought to be ashamed of themselves.)

        I'll put "Practical Magic" as a runner-up in this category. A mixed-bag of a film, but fairly re-watchable. I saw them play this at a senior home once. About the time the exorcism began all the little old ladies got up and fled the room. (The DVD for "Practical Magic" gets my nomination for worst commentary track ever. They took three different commentary tracks -- one by director Griffin Dunne, one by Sandra Bullock and, I think, the producer, and one by the composer -- and instead of having them separate they just spliced them all together. The worst is Dunne's. I've never in my life heard someone drone on so monotonously anywhere outside of a Mensa convention.)

        Okay, there you have it, my picks for some Sandra Bullock movies worth seeing and avoiding. (Throw "28 Days" into that last category while you're at it.) Happy Birthday, Sandy! Here's to 40 more! (kissy kissy)