Keila Keila

Joke Central

▼

Joke Central

please add your own, we all can use a laugh

from WinCustomize Forums
IRS

At the end of the tax year the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles.
What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these bread wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they
send us a free box of bread-wafers."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste, "answered the Rabbi."

What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

1,074,764 views 548 replies
Reply #51 from WinCustomize Forums Top
Two Men From Scotland


A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course", comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Scotland", replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Scotland too! Let's have another round to Scotland."

"Of Course", replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Scotland are you from?" "Aberdeen", comes the reply.

"I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Aberdeen too!

Let's have another drink to Aberdeen."

"Of course", replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Andrews", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Andrews and graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?", he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The MacGregor twins are drunk again."
Reply #52 from WinCustomize Forums Top
Pat and Mike are walking down the street when they see a dog sitting in a yard and he's licking his male parts. Pat looked over at Mike and said "Man,I wish I could do that". Mike stated that perhaps Pat should pet the dog first.


:LOL: :LOL:
Multiplicity - Control multiple PCs using one keyboard and mouse
Reply #53 from WinCustomize Forums Top
Don't Make a Nurse Angry...

A big shot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees.

None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation anyway."


Reply #54 from WinCustomize Forums Top
A drunk is sitting in a bar. There is a very buxom
blonde a few seats down from him with breasts size
44DD'S.

A fellow at the end of the bar calls for a beer. The
bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It
hits the lady's breasts and spills all over them. The
bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the
beer off of her breasts.

This happens a couple more times.

The next time, the drunk jumps up and starts to lick
her breasts. She decks him! He's laying on the floor
moaning and groaning.

'Why do you let the bartender do it?'

'Because he has.............(your gonna love this)......

A LICKER LICENSE! :LOL:























Reply #56 from WinCustomize Forums Top
Forgetful Actor...


There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play hes practicing his line over and over again.

Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger he delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!

"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"

"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

Reply #57 from WinCustomize Forums Top
:LOL: :LOL:
Reply #58 from WinCustomize Forums Top
I take it you got that. :D 
Reply #59 from WinCustomize Forums Top
:LOL: got it? ... I saw it coming. But it was still a good laugh :LOL: ;)
Reply #60 from WinCustomize Forums Top
A tourist goes into incoin's village. With the intension of having a glance at the great man's home, he asks a villager "Any GREAT MAN born in ur village? "


"No Sir! ONLY SMALL BABIES!!" replied the v
Reply #61 from WinCustomize Forums Top
The Chastity Belt...

All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.

One knight told his best friend - "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful woman in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade."

The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.

Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.

A horseman approached. It was the knights best friend.

He yells - "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!"
Reply #62 from WinCustomize Forums Top
A famous quote

"if sumone steals ur wife, then there is no better revenge than let him keep her." sacha guitry
Reply #63 from WinCustomize Forums Top
Elderly Proposal...

There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.

Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will."

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say yes or did she say no?" He couldnt remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. No even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didnt remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say Yes or did you say No?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, Yes, yes I will and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldnt remember who had asked me."
Reply #64 from WinCustomize Forums Top
Woman has to go away for a couple of weeks to care for her mother who was recuperating from major surgery and leaves her lazy, good for nothing husband at home to fend for himself. Well after a few days he discovered that he had eaten everything in the pantry and fridge, so began scouring other kitchen cupboards for food. His search was fruitful, for in the cupboard under the kitchen sink was a couple of dozen large tins of Pal...

Yup, you guessed it, rather than go to the store to buy groceries, he began eating the dog food. This continued until his wife returned from her mother's to find the fridge empty and the pantry bare.

Wife: "I'm off to the store to get some groceries, is there anything you want me to get?"

Husband: "Yeah, get me a few tins of Pal, will ya!"

Well off to the store she goes, and she gets the various items she needs... plus the Pal for her husband.

Storekeeper: "Why all the Pal Mrs, didn't you dog die a while back?"

Woman: "Oh, it's not for a dog... it's for my husband."

Storekeeper: "I wouldn't give him that if I were you, it'll kill him!"

Woman: "Well he's been eating it for the last week and it doesn't seem to have harmed him. Besides, he's become quite partial to it... and with the money I save I'll soon be able to buy myself that new pair of shoes I need."


Every week for the next month it was the same thing... her usual groceries and a box of Pal for her husband. However, one day she is in the store, dressed all in black and there's no Pal going through the checkout....

Storekeeper: "I can't help but notice Mrs, but there's no Pal and you're dress all in black.... what happened?"

Woman: "Oh it's my husband... he died!"

Storekeeper: "I told you that dog food would end up killing him."

Woman: "Oh no, it wasn't the Pal that killed him."

Storekeeper: "Well how did he die, then?"

Woman: "He was in the middle of the road licking his dick and a car ran over him."
Reply #65 from WinCustomize Forums Top
Rearrange the Letters...

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
Reply #66 from WinCustomize Forums Top
:LOL: :LOL:
Reply #67 from WinCustomize Forums Top
Ways to Tell a Redneck is on Your Computer

1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter."
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
3. There is a skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
4. The password is, "bubba."
5. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
6. "Winders 95" has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it.
7. Outgoing faxes have beerstains on them.
8. The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.
9. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
10. The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options.
11. Jeff Foxworthy *.wavs.
12. The monitor is up on blocks.
13. Seven blue tick hounds under the desk.
14. Deer jerky in the desk drawer.
15. The screen saver consists of pictures of Ned Beatty with Dueling Banjos playing in the background.
16. The six front keys have rotted out.
17. John Deere Pocket Protectors.
Also Handy:
Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods.
Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick.
Byte - What your pitbull done to cousin Jethro.
Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in.
Terminal - Time to call the undertaker.
Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited.
Digital - The art of counting on your fingers.
Diskette - Female Disco dancer.
Fax - What you lie about to the IRS.
Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking.
Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos.
Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair.
Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.
Mac - Big Bubba's favorite fast food.
Megahertz - How your head feels after 17 beers.
Modem - What you do when the grass gets too high.
Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live.
Network - Scooping up a big fish before it breaks the line.
ROM - Where the pope lives.
Screen - Keeps mosquitoes off the porch.
Serial Port - A red wine you drink with breakfast.
Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year.
SCSI (pronounced scuzzi) - What you call your week-old underwear.


Reply #68 from WinCustomize Forums Top
woman walks into a fish shop. She is pretending that she is mute and says, "MM MM MM NN MNN."

The clerk says, "What?"

The woman again mumbles, "MM MM MM NN MNN."

The clerk replies, "I don't understand you, I'll have to get my manager."

The girl goes and gets her manager. The manager comes out and asks, "May i help you?"

The woman lifts up her shirt and the manager says, "HOLY MACKEREL."

The woman replies, "Yes, I would like two pounds please."
Reply #69 from WinCustomize Forums Top
Aliens In Detroit...

Two aliens land in Metro Detroit, and they happen to land next to a gas station. So, the aliens waddle out of their ship and look around. The first thing they see that resembles a being is the gas pump. The two aliens approach and the first one says "Earthling, take me to your leader!" Of course he gets no response...

The first alien looks at his buddy then addresses the pump again. "Earthling, I said take me to your leader!" Of course, still no response...

The alien then turns to his buddy and says "If this Earthling doesn't show me some respect and at least acknowledge me, I'm going to blast him!"

At that the second alien replies, "OK. I'm just going to stand down on the next block."

The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle to the next block. He then addresses the pump a third time. "Earthling take me to your leader!" Still nothing. So the alien then pulls out his ray gun and vaporizes the pump...

The gas station goes up in a huge explosion, blowing the alien all the way down the block to his buddy. He gets up, dusts himself off, and turns to the second Alien. "If you knew that was going to happen why didn't you warn me!?" The second replies "Well, I didn't know exactly *what* was going to happen. But there's no way I'm gonna' mess with a guy who's dick hangs to the ground, wraps around his body twice, and is still long enough to stick in his left ear!


Reply #70 from WinCustomize Forums Top
:LOL:
Reply #72 from WinCustomize Forums Top
Who is Jack Schitt?
How many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack
Schitt!'

Well, thanks to my friend's generous genealogy efforts, you can now
Respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer
Magnate, married O. Schitt,
The owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple
Produced six children: Holie
Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep
Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb
Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe
Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with
Them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe
Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with
A rather nervous disposition
Named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were
Inseparable throughout childhood
And subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The
Wedding announcement in the
Newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He
Recently returned from Italy with his new
Italian bride, Pisa Schitt..

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct
Them

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

NOTE: PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO ANYONE WHO NEEDS A LAUGH.

REMEMBER: LAUGHING LOWERS THE BLOOD PRESSURE.

Sent to me by my mom.













Reply #73 from WinCustomize Forums Top
One more: Software Upgrade

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. and now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Desperate
********************************************
Dear Desperate:
First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package,while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0.If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly. WAV files. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck,
Tech Support  :LOL: 
Reply #74 from WinCustomize Forums Top
~TWENTY DOLLARS~

On their wedding night, the young bride
approached her new
husband and asked for $20.00 for their first
lovemaking encounter. In
his highly aroused state, her husband readily
agreed.




This scenario was repeated each time they made
love, for more
than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a
cute way for her to
afford new clothes and other incidentals that
she needed.


Arriving home around noon one day, she was
surprised to find
her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
his employer
was going through a process of corporate
downsizing, and he had
been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of
59, he'd be able to find
another position that paid anywhere near what
he'd been earning, and
therefore, they
were financially ruined.


Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
showed more than thirty
years of steady deposits and interest totalling
nearly $1 million. Then she
showed him certificates of deposits issued
by the bank which were worth over $2 million,
and informed him that they
were one of the largest depositors in the bank.


She explained that
for the more than
three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
these holdings had multiplied
and these were the
results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
worth over $3
million, her husband was so astounded he could
barely speak, but
finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If
I'd had any idea what you
were doing, I would have given you all my
business!'


****His funeral was attended by family and a few close friends****
Reply #75 from WinCustomize Forums Top
Are We Lost


The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"

The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"

The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"

The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.

The pilot asked, "What's that for?"

"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."