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from WinCustomize Forums
IRS

At the end of the tax year the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles.
What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these bread wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they
send us a free box of bread-wafers."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste, "answered the Rabbi."

What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

1,075,292 views 548 replies
Reply #426 from WinCustomize Forums Top

What do you call a blonde that changes her hair colour.........artifcially intelligent

Reply #427 from WinCustomize Forums Top

Did you hear about the blonde coyote?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She chewed off three legs and was still stuck in the trap. :X

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Offworld Trading Company
Reply #428 from WinCustomize Forums Top 
A  man suspected his wife was cheating on him, so when
he left town, he hired a famous Chinese detective to
investigate. A few days later he received this letter.

Most Honorable Sir,

You leave house,
He come to house.
He and she leave house,
I follow.
He and she go to hotel,
I climb tree to see.
He kiss she,
she kiss he.
He strip she,
she strip he.
I play with me,
I fall out of tree,
I not see.

No fee,

Chen Lee
Reply #429 from WinCustomize Forums Top

Pillsbury Doughboy Obituary

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.

Known to friends as Brown-n-Serve, Fresh was an avid gardener and tennis player. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes -- conned by those who buttered him up.

Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another bun in the oven. The funeral was held at 350 for about 20 minutes.
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Reply #430 from WinCustomize Forums Top

Best Geek Quotes

1/ There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.


2/ If at first you don't succeed; call it version 1.0


3/ I'm not anti-social; I'm just not user friendly


4/ My pokemon bring all the nerds to the yard, and they're like you wanna trade cards? Darn right, I wanna trade cards, I'll trade this but not my charizard


5/ My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.


6/ Roses are #FF0000
Violets are #0000FF
All my base
Are belong to you


7/ A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.


8/ Microsoft: "You've got questions. We've got dancing paperclips."


9/ In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?


10/ I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code


11/ The speed of sound is defined by the distance from door to computer divided by the time interval needed to close the media player and pull up your pants when your mom shouts "OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!"


13/ UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.


14/ You know it's love when you memorize her IP number to skip DNS overhead.

Reply #431 from WinCustomize Forums Top

The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."

:thumbsup: :rofl:

Reply #432 from WinCustomize Forums Top

A Cowboy and an Indian were riding the plains in search of buffalo.

Suddenly the Indian stopped and placed his ear on the ground and said "Buffalo come"

The Cowboy then asked"How can you tell? Can you feel the vibrations?"

"No" replied the Indian,"Ground sticky"
 

 

I tried several times and for some reason,I can't post this on Saturday Funnies, maybe the joke is just too old.;P

Reply #433 from WinCustomize Forums Top

:rofl:   I'd think there might be something more "perceptable" than stickiness...:puke:

Reply #434 from WinCustomize Forums Top

Rejected Hallmark Cards.

1)So your daughters a hooker
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
She's a really good lay!

2) My tire was thumping,
I thought it was flat.
When I loooked at the tire,
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

3) You had your bladder removed,
and you're on the mends.
Here's a bouquet of flowers
And a box of Depends.

4) You've announced that you're gay,
Won't that be a laugh,
When they find out you're one
Of the Joint Chiefs of Staff!

5) Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
'Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy!

6) Heard your wife left you.
How upset you must be,
But don't fret about it,
She moved in with me!

7) You totaled your car
And can't remember why.
Could it have been
that case of Bud Dry?

Reply #435 from WinCustomize Forums Top

More Rejected Cards:

1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life...
(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.

2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
(Inside card) - I never believed in hell until I met you.

3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am....
(Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me.

4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go....
(Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back?
You'll probably need it again.

5. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
(Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.

6. We've been friends for a very long time...
(Inside card) - What do you say we stop?

7. I'm so miserable without you...
(Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.

8. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy....
(Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?

9. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
(Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.

10. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Alabama, Mississippi, Tennessee and Arkansas)

11. Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder...
(Inside card) - What was I thinking?

12. Congratulations on your wedding day!...
(Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband

Reply #436 from WinCustomize Forums Top

:rofl:  :rofl: :rofl: :thumbsup: :thumbsup: Great one Doc!!

Reply #437 from WinCustomize Forums Top

Anything for the Wiz! :grin:

Reply #438 from WinCustomize Forums Top

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

Reply #439 from WinCustomize Forums Top

Today's Medical Pearl:

The results are in!

There is a medical distinction, weve all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys,smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "Youre next, Chubby."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking though, there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death.

Reply #440 from WinCustomize Forums Top

The Prognosis

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around
 the house that he used to do.
When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it.
Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

 

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Reply #441 from WinCustomize Forums Top

:rofl: Good one!

Reply #442 from WinCustomize Forums Top
A Democrat for five minutes 

I was driving from Wheeler to Colfax the other day
 
when a tire blew out.. Checking my spare, I found that it too was flat.
 
My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town. 
  
The first vehicle to stop was an old man in Ford Explorer.
  
He yelled out the window, "Need a lift?" 
  
"Yes, I sure do," I replied. 
  
"You a Republican or Democrat," asked the old man. 
  
" Republican," I replied. 
  
"Well, you can just go to Hell," yelled the old man as he sped off. 
  
Another grubby looking guy in a Chevy pickup with a bent front wheel stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same question. 
  
Again, I gave the same answer, " Republican." The driver gave me the  finger and drove off. I thought it over and decided that maybe I  should change my strategy, since this area seemed to be overly 
political and  there appeared to be few Republicans. 
  
The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde.  She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Republican or Democrat. 
  
"Democrat!" I shouted.. 
  
"Hop in!" replied the blonde. 
  
Driving down the road, I couldn't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in  the seat next to me, the wind blowing through her hair, perfect  breasts, and  a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs..  Finally, I yelled, "Please stop the car." 
  
She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped, I  jumped out. "What's the matter?" she asked. 
  
"I can't take it anymore," I replied. "I've only been a Democrat for  five minutes and already I want to screw somebody.." 
Reply #443 from WinCustomize Forums Top

A man went to visit his doctor. "Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads.

The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk. "Hello, Doctor" says the arm. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate!"

"Aha!'' says the doctor.

''I see the problem. Your arm is broke!" :rolleyes:

Reply #444 from WinCustomize Forums Top

A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologist’s office. The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter.

"She has been having some strange symptoms and I’m worried about her," the mother said.

The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, "Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."

The mother gasped, "That’s nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men." She turned to the girl. "You don’t, do you, dear?"

"No, mumsy," said the girl. "Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!"

The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out. He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something wrong out there?"

"No, Madam," said the doctor. "It’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up."

Reply #445 from WinCustomize Forums Top

If At First You Don't Succeed . . . Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.


I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.


Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Hand basket?


You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.



It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now.


I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.


If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?


Necrophillia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.


How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?


Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.


A day without sunshine is like, well, night.


When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.


On the other hand, you have different fingers.


Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.


Save the whales. Collect the whole set.


Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.


It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.


Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.


Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.


He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.


Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.


I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.


I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.


The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.


You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.


You can't have everything, where would you put it?


It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.


Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.


Mind like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in most states.


Equality!! If men and women were created equal, a judge in capital crime cases would have to make sure that women were hung like men


What do you call the children of couch potatoes? Tator Tots


Definition of a Dance: A navel engagement without the loss of semen.


I don't understand how I got over the hill! -- without ever being on top


Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Reply #447 from WinCustomize Forums Top

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

''But how will I let you know the baby is born?'' she asked. He replied, ''Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses.''

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, ''Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means.''

The doctor said, ''Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.'' Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read, ''Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without"

Reply #448 from WinCustomize Forums Top

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: 5*   CLASSIC!

 

 

 

Three expectant mothers were sitting in the obstetrician's waiting room. Two of the ladies began to chat about their pregnancies, and their due dates and such.

One of the women said to the other, "I happen to know that my baby is going to be a boy, because when my baby was conceived, my husband was on top."

Replied the other woman, "Oh! That must mean that I'm going to have a girl, because when my baby was conceived, I was on top."

The third woman suddenly burst noisily into tears. Concerned, the other two ladies turned to her and asked, "My heavens, what ever is wrong?"

The third woman wailed tearfully, "I'm afraid that I may be having a puppy!"

Reply #449 from WinCustomize Forums Top

  • A middle-aged man returns home from a business trip a day early, concerned that his wife may be having an affair. He’s riding in a taxi at about 2:00 in the morning back towards his house, when he explains his situation to the taxi driver.

    It’s after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. Taxi

    He explains to the cabbie that he suspects his wife is sleeping around on him, and offers the him $50 if he would be a witness to the affair, if he could catch her in bed with him. By the time they reach his house, the cabbie agrees.

    They park a few doors down and, quietly, sneak into the front door and up the stairs. Then, with a burst of speed, the husband flicks on the bedroom lights and rips the blanket off the bed - and there his wife lays in bed with another man!

    Out of his coat pocket, the visibly distraught husband pulls out a gun and puts it to the naked man’s head. Just then, his wife yells “Don’t do it! I lied when I told you I inherited all that money!…”

    • HE paid for the Mercedes I gave you.
    • HE paid for our new cabin in the mountains.
    • HE paid for your Atlanta Braves season tickets.
    • HE paid for our our lakehouse and boat.
    • HE paid for your country club membership, and and HE even pays the monthly dues!’

    Shaking his head, unsure of whether to pull the trigger, he looks over at the taxi driver and asks “What should I do?”

    The taxi driver replies, “I’d cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.”

Reply #450 from WinCustomize Forums Top

Paddy and the Jigsaw
Paddy walks through town one day when he spots an interesting looking box in a shop window.

He enters the shop, grabs the box and gives it a shake.
Paddy thinks to himself 'God, this must be some sort of million piece jigsaw'. He buys the jigsaw.

When he arrives home, he pours the jigsaw out accross the table. But all of the pieces are the same. Paddy tries turning them over but they still all look the same. So he decides to ring up his mate Patrick.

'Hello Patrick?'

'Hello Paddy!'

'Patrick I've got a bit of a problem. I've bought this million piece jigsaw and all of the pieces look the same.

'Well have you tried turning them over Paddy?'

'Yes,yes I've tried that andthey still all look the same.'

'OK I'll come round to your house in a minute, but tell me one more thing, what's on the front of the box?'

'Oh, some sort of cockerel.'

When Patrick arrives at Paddy's, he takes him through to the living room where the jigsaw is laid out accross the table.

'You see Patrick, this is my million piece jigsaw with all the pieces that look the same.'

And Patrick says...

'Paddy,that's a box of corn flakes!!!'