"I didn't lie, I just didn't tell her the truth"!

Cats and women have lots in common - they love Servants and yell until they get their way

*rumages for Flak Jacket*

*rumages for Flak Jacket*

! That's right, you go hide!!

Cats and women have lots in common - they love Servants and yell until they get their way

Have you met my daughters?!

I definitely would rather my husband tell me the truth. And I agree that it would depend on the lie about how mad I would be.

However, I do have to say that I am wary of using sex as a manipulative tool. Obviously if I am upset and hurt I'm not really going to be up for sex, but I try to be careful about the attitude behind it.

It really is the lie that does the hurting. And you're right - a lie by ommission is the same thing.

I had to tell Mari something once that took me a few days of courage to work up to, but I couldn't carry the lie, and I love her too much to treat her that way. I won't get into what it was, because it's like airing dirty laundry, and I won't speak for what she thought about it - that's hers to say if she chooses, but I think the honesty was best.

When she and I first met, she said something over coffee to the effect of "I won't be one of many" to which I chuckled a great deal inside, because I had had my heart shredded by a woman, and I wasn't about to be owned again.

And at that particular time in my life, I was quite crazy from the one that tore my heart up...probably shouldn't have been getting into any serious relationships, but oh well. Mari walked into my apartment one Saturday morning to get her saxophone to find me having coffee with a woman who had stayed the night. Awkward. But it wasn't the fact that I had been having sex with this other woman that haunted me for the next few years that Mari dealt with this - it was the fact that I hadn't been upfront about it - and rightly so. It was mostly this that made me summon the courage to be honest - because she's worth it.

I'm just a guy, and as has been stated so eloquently in another post, when the blood goes down there, sometimes there's not any left for the brain. Ok, nobody believes that nonsense, but it's a funny explanation anyway. Courage is the missing ingredient for most men. I found mine, and I think for the better of us both.

and gents, don't tell me she has never done that to you!

Actually, no; I've never had that done to me. Give it time. I'm still relatively young.

Mari walked into my apartment one Saturday morning to get her saxophone to find me having coffee with a woman who had stayed the night.

OMG!

I can deal with just about anything that my wife does, except lie to me. I can deal with her seeing someone else (been there, done that). I can deal with her spending way more money than we can afford (been there, still working through it). I can deal with her periodic mood swings (she's manic depressive and cannot tolerate the common medications and our insurance won't cover the expensive stuff that she CAN tolerate - and I can't go LW's route 'cause of my security clearance). The times that I was well and truly hurt were the times that she chose to lie to me about her activities. And vice versa. The only time that I've truly hurt her was when I lied to her about something, even though it was a minor thing.

Along the same lines, my kids know that they're going to get in much worse trouble if they lie to me about their activities. The nice thing about being a hands-on father (and have kids that look up to me) - I don't have to raise my voice too often to get them to correct their behavior. I just let them know that I'm disappointed in them. At that, I think they'd rather have me rant and rave at them for awhile. It's especially noticeable with my daughter. Gotta love daddy's girls, doncha? Enough digressing.

And I agree that it would depend on the lie about how mad I would be.

Great minds...!

I do have to say that I am wary of using sex as a manipulative tool

I hear you on that. For me it doesn't go that far and most times he back on my good side by the end of the night!!

but I think the honesty was best.

Always!

Mari walked into my apartment one Saturday morning to get her saxophone to find me having coffee with a woman who had stayed the night. Awkward.

Oh Lordy!

It was mostly this that made me summon the courage to be honest - because she's worth it.

Awwwwwww.....! It's great that you realised that!

when the blood goes down there, sometimes there's not any left for the brain. Ok, nobody believes that nonsense

! of course it's true!!

Courage is the missing ingredient for most men. I found mine, and I think for the better of us both.

That's sweet! But be careful, there's a man code around here!!

Actually, no; I've never had that done to me. Give it time. I'm still relatively young

! Consider yourself lucky!

I can deal with her seeing someone else (been there, done that

Ouch!

The times that I was well and truly hurt were the times that she chose to lie to me about her activities. And vice versa. The only time that I've truly hurt her was when I lied to her about something, even though it was a minor thing.

Yeah, the lies on both sides can be damaging.

Gotta love daddy's girls, doncha?

Yeah, they do know how to wrap daddy around their little finger! My five year old is like that!lol!

Not telling the truth can be not telling.  It is not a lie, as you have said nothing.  The clearest example is the Dont ask, Dont tell.  If they dont tell, it is not a lie.  If they tell they are straight, when they are gay, that is a lie.

But telling something other than the truth is a lie.  When all else fails, ferme la bouche

Not telling the truth can be not telling.  It is not a lie, as you have said nothing.

I agree with you to an extent, but I also think that when you know a person has a false impression but you let them persist in that false impression (especially when it is advantageous to you) that it can fall under the category of, as OckhamsRazor put it, "a lie of omission."

For me it comes down to "an intent to deceive." You can steer someone to a false impression or craftily leave out information in such a way as to give a false impression even though you never tell a falsehood, and I think because the intent is to deceive that it can still be considered lying.

As far as "don't ask don't tell" that's a mutually agreed on wink-wink, nudge-nudge looking the other way. It is consensual. In these other situations, one person is deceiving the other without the second person's knowledge or consent.

I don't know enough about the situation being blogged about to decide where "I just didn't tell her the truth"...um... lies.

Time for a MM trite but true saying:
The best part about telling the TRUTH IS, you never have to remember what story you told who.

Honesty was the key.

It cirtainly was!

I don't know about you, but I'm tired of carrying those bags.

Definitely! My hubby and I agree to disagree and we talk things out even if we yell while doing it at times. Communication, communication, communication! My motto and one I stand by in our marriage.

I listened

This is so key on both individuals part!

Not telling the truth can be not telling. It is not a lie, as you have said nothing

It is a lie because YOU know it's a lie! You only hope the other person never finds out!

The clearest example is the Dont ask, Dont tell. If they dont tell, it is not a lie.

Sorry Doc, No, this is so the people who don't want tp know can feel good about themselves because they don't. It's not for the people who are gay to lie. It's for the heterosexual who isn't comfortable with the gay lifestyle to be in his/her comfort zone.

I think because the intent is to deceive that it can still be considered lying.

It is lying yes. Where in those who are gay are concerned, they have to live the lives that we, heterosexual dictates in our world, because that is what make us more comfortable, that is what will make us accept them, and most times they, gays have to be acceptable in order to be in the professional world they are in, unless they are in a career where it doesn't matter. This is of course a whole other discussion!

I don't know enough about the situation being blogged about to decide where "I just didn't tell her the truth"...um... lies.

The situation was actually nothing sexual, it was about the other party saying that they quit smoking and they didn't. Their spouse smelt it, asked out right, are you, then said maybe it was the person who was visiting smoking inside. The smoker didn't admit and didn't agree to what he knew the truth to be. He made the other person the guilty party by omission. This circumstance can relate to anything in life.

The best part about telling the TRUTH IS, you never have to remember what story you told who.

That measn there's a whole lot of lieing going on! And the other person is too drunk or stoned to care!lol!

Have I withheld sex because my spouse withheld the truth from me?  Yep. 

Would I do that again?  NOPE! 

Two wrongs don't make a  right and can only serve to further mess up a relationship.  Better to work at communication,  honestly,  than to "pick up one's marbles"  and go home,  so to speak.

For me,  it took many years to learn that lesson. 

Sometimes,  not always though,  a person will withold information,  or whatever because they're just plain deceitful.  Other times one withholds information because being honest with their spouse led to the spouse nagging,  or verbally attacking the person for being honest! 

Relationships are work,  not a game.

It is a lie because YOU know it's a lie! You only hope the other person never finds out!

What others beleive is not always in your ability to correct.  And there is the issue that what they assume, is their problem, not yours.  If you do not want to tell the truth, say nothing at all. It is only a lie if you confirm their misconception.

Other times one withholds information because being honest with their spouse led to the spouse nagging, or verbally attacking the person for being honest!

That's true! I've only ever seen this scenario in a move plot, but I'm sure it has happened to someone for real! And especially knowing how human emotions are, it will!

Lies don't always take the form of false words, they can be told in many ways. Hell, some people LIVE a lie, their entire LIVES are lies, yet what passes through their lips may be the gospel truth.

This is so true!

I decided that if I couldn't be 100% honest in my next relationship, if I felt I had to hide ANYTHING, if I felt I had to change or alter myself in any way, shape, or form to be the person someone else wanted me to be, that I'd rather be alone.

A wise decision!

Why did I engage in this sort of behavior? Because my fear of being alone was stronger than anything else

This is a very good point! It is the fear that drives many people to do what they normally wouldn't! Lie, steal, cheat!

Some of the best sex I've ever had was enjoyed with a full head of rage and a deep desire to kill that which I was f*cking.

True words!