Why the Movie "Troy" Sucks
A movie review without even seeing the movie.
from 
JoeUser Forums
JoeUser Forums
I may have mentioned this a few times before, but I’ll say it again anyway. I work at a movie rental store. Now, I know this position doesn’t entitle me as an expert in film criticism, but it damn well should. I’ve seen hundreds upon hundreds of movies, people! I’m around movies all the time! I even steal some of the movie signs we have hanging around out store just to throw it in my closet when I get home! So, believe me when I say that the new movie Troy will probably suck.
Now before all you people who actually went and saw the movie get all uppity, allow me to state that I have not, in fact, seen the movie. I’ve seen a few trailers here and there, and I’ve learned about the Trojan War, so technically, I KNOW the movie. But I still HAVEN’T SEEN it. With that being said, allow me to explain the reasoning behind my prediction.
1. Troy will suck because it’s a Warner Brothers film. I’ve been paying attention to the latest releases on video, and all of the ones that have been Warner Brothers are god-awful; Love Don’t Cost A Thing, Loony Toons: Back in Action, Torque (not out yet, but they couldn’t even make the previews interesting). See what I mean? In fact, thinking back, I can’t recall a Warner Brothers movie that I liked except for the first Matrix, and Troy won’t be the next Matrix. The reason the first Matrix was so good was because it had the new idea of living in a digital world. That and awesome guns. And Troy doesn’t have any of those, unless it’s chock full of historical inaccuracies.
2. Troy will suck because of the typical way Hollywood characterizes the protagonist and the antagonist. In the case of Troy, I believe it may be exaggerated even more because of Brad Pitt being the protagonist and some other dude I’ve never heard of as the antagonist. Who wants to see Brad Pitt do something evil? No one. Who wants to see Brad Pitt beat up on some evil actor who no one’s ever heard of? Everyone except me. Also, the whole protagonist/antagonist thing shouldn’t apply to the Trojan War in my mind. Even though the story was told from the prospective of the Greeks as the protagonists as they destroyed the evil antagonist Trojans, there was no clear good guys and bad guys in that war. A boy from Troy steals a woman from Greece, and the Greeks overreact and destroy the whole town. If anything, the Greeks should be the bad guys, not the other way around like the movie will probably be.
3. Troy will suck because it is a movie based on a historical event and it doesn’t star Russell Crowe. Come on, Warner Brothers, we all know by now that if you are making a historical movie, you have to have Russell Crowe in it! That crazy Australian drunkard was awesome in Gladiator and Master and Commander, and he would have been awesome in Troy. But no, you have to go and get Brad “the mexican” Pitt instead. Actually, I’m just kidding about the Russell Crowe thing. I don’t think Brad Pitt will disappoint. I just needed a third reason because three reasons sound a hell of a lot better than two. But still, Russell Crowe is awesome.
Well, there you have it. Feel free to comment with some reasons why Troy will suck that I may not have thought of. Or, go ahead and refute my arguments. Just, if you do, please do it in an intelligent manner that actually makes sense. I don’t want to see thousands of comments tomorrow all saying that Troy will be awesome because “Brad Pitt is so hot and dreamy and that’s all that matters. And by the way, Love Don’t Cost A Thing was awesome too because Nick Cannon is so hot and dreamy, etc.” And, of course, anyone who wasted ten bucks to see Troy tonight, feel free to validate my arguments
Now before all you people who actually went and saw the movie get all uppity, allow me to state that I have not, in fact, seen the movie. I’ve seen a few trailers here and there, and I’ve learned about the Trojan War, so technically, I KNOW the movie. But I still HAVEN’T SEEN it. With that being said, allow me to explain the reasoning behind my prediction.
1. Troy will suck because it’s a Warner Brothers film. I’ve been paying attention to the latest releases on video, and all of the ones that have been Warner Brothers are god-awful; Love Don’t Cost A Thing, Loony Toons: Back in Action, Torque (not out yet, but they couldn’t even make the previews interesting). See what I mean? In fact, thinking back, I can’t recall a Warner Brothers movie that I liked except for the first Matrix, and Troy won’t be the next Matrix. The reason the first Matrix was so good was because it had the new idea of living in a digital world. That and awesome guns. And Troy doesn’t have any of those, unless it’s chock full of historical inaccuracies.
2. Troy will suck because of the typical way Hollywood characterizes the protagonist and the antagonist. In the case of Troy, I believe it may be exaggerated even more because of Brad Pitt being the protagonist and some other dude I’ve never heard of as the antagonist. Who wants to see Brad Pitt do something evil? No one. Who wants to see Brad Pitt beat up on some evil actor who no one’s ever heard of? Everyone except me. Also, the whole protagonist/antagonist thing shouldn’t apply to the Trojan War in my mind. Even though the story was told from the prospective of the Greeks as the protagonists as they destroyed the evil antagonist Trojans, there was no clear good guys and bad guys in that war. A boy from Troy steals a woman from Greece, and the Greeks overreact and destroy the whole town. If anything, the Greeks should be the bad guys, not the other way around like the movie will probably be.
3. Troy will suck because it is a movie based on a historical event and it doesn’t star Russell Crowe. Come on, Warner Brothers, we all know by now that if you are making a historical movie, you have to have Russell Crowe in it! That crazy Australian drunkard was awesome in Gladiator and Master and Commander, and he would have been awesome in Troy. But no, you have to go and get Brad “the mexican” Pitt instead. Actually, I’m just kidding about the Russell Crowe thing. I don’t think Brad Pitt will disappoint. I just needed a third reason because three reasons sound a hell of a lot better than two. But still, Russell Crowe is awesome.
Well, there you have it. Feel free to comment with some reasons why Troy will suck that I may not have thought of. Or, go ahead and refute my arguments. Just, if you do, please do it in an intelligent manner that actually makes sense. I don’t want to see thousands of comments tomorrow all saying that Troy will be awesome because “Brad Pitt is so hot and dreamy and that’s all that matters. And by the way, Love Don’t Cost A Thing was awesome too because Nick Cannon is so hot and dreamy, etc.” And, of course, anyone who wasted ten bucks to see Troy tonight, feel free to validate my arguments
