My Rejection Letter
from 
JoeUser Forums
JoeUser Forums
A work in progress...will likely be sent to these guys though in a form like this.
Dear Mr. (SuspeckTed),
It is my deepest regret that it has taken me so long to respond to your resume and accompanying writing samples. Yes, even more regretful than that night spent in Venice with that German guy Gerard, at least I think that was his name, he didn’t speak any English. Or even the time I stole my Grandmother’s prized silverware in hopes of pawning it so I could buy Milli Vanilli tickets even though it turned out Grandma’s prized silverware wasn’t silver at all.
Though I do regret that it has taken me so long to respond to you with your courteously provided self-addressed envelope, I have little regret in informing you that there are no positions available at City Pages for you at this time. Furthermore, to save you further postage, resume paper, effort or embarrassment, and to save editors’ precious time and energy (such as that which is being taken up to write you this fucking letter) I’d advise you never to apply for a writing position ever again. Not just with City Pages, but anywhere. Most 8th grade Avril Lavine-listening blog writers have better sentence structure, more creativity, and even better spelling than you.
Should you insist on writing, at least try to pass yourself off as a poet. This way it’s possible that the random thinking patterns that clearly have left you somewhat “disabled,” (for lack of a better word) that you “utilize” into “attempted” literary works may even be seen as “artistic.”
The notion that you could produce publishable material has left me feeling a sense of fear that I can’t shake. Therefore I have decided to be assertive and file for a restraining order against you and your writing. Please send no more writing samples, emails, carrier pigeons, Morse code, smoke signals, singing telegrams, subliminal messages, or even Hallmark cards unless you wish to feel the less than gentle touch that can only be delivered by the strong arm of the law.
Good Day to you Mr. Duepner,
City Pages wishes you all the best,
Sincerely,
_____________________
Dear Mr. (SuspeckTed),
It is my deepest regret that it has taken me so long to respond to your resume and accompanying writing samples. Yes, even more regretful than that night spent in Venice with that German guy Gerard, at least I think that was his name, he didn’t speak any English. Or even the time I stole my Grandmother’s prized silverware in hopes of pawning it so I could buy Milli Vanilli tickets even though it turned out Grandma’s prized silverware wasn’t silver at all.
Though I do regret that it has taken me so long to respond to you with your courteously provided self-addressed envelope, I have little regret in informing you that there are no positions available at City Pages for you at this time. Furthermore, to save you further postage, resume paper, effort or embarrassment, and to save editors’ precious time and energy (such as that which is being taken up to write you this fucking letter) I’d advise you never to apply for a writing position ever again. Not just with City Pages, but anywhere. Most 8th grade Avril Lavine-listening blog writers have better sentence structure, more creativity, and even better spelling than you.
Should you insist on writing, at least try to pass yourself off as a poet. This way it’s possible that the random thinking patterns that clearly have left you somewhat “disabled,” (for lack of a better word) that you “utilize” into “attempted” literary works may even be seen as “artistic.”
The notion that you could produce publishable material has left me feeling a sense of fear that I can’t shake. Therefore I have decided to be assertive and file for a restraining order against you and your writing. Please send no more writing samples, emails, carrier pigeons, Morse code, smoke signals, singing telegrams, subliminal messages, or even Hallmark cards unless you wish to feel the less than gentle touch that can only be delivered by the strong arm of the law.
Good Day to you Mr. Duepner,
City Pages wishes you all the best,
Sincerely,
_____________________
Tell you what, when I make it I'll give you a job. Now the probablitly of me making it (being nearly 26 and having nothing to show for it) is pretty much nil, but it's the thought that counts 