Since anybody can make an Iraq report and get headlines, there's no reason I can't do it either. So here I present the ID Iraq Study Group which consists of myself. I will make a series of recommendations that will almost guarantee a victory in the war on terror, and the Iraq war. This will no doubt cause liberals to screech, and you will hear typical left wing rhetoric in response to this report. Now with the formalities gone, lets get started.
This report will offend some people. It is not politically correct, and I will be accused of watching too much Fox News, or as the liberals, terrorists, and Iranian fanatics call it......Faux News. Now on to the report!
1. In the original Iraq Surrender Group report it was recommended that the U.S. "engage" in talks with Iran and Syria. I will agree with this, but we must take a more pro-active stance at these meetings. We will need to send two diplomats with the experience of meeting with our enemies during wartime, and an expert on befriending dictators and terrorists. Naturally we will choose John Kerry and Jimmy Carter, these two have years of experience in betraying their country.
It will be their jobs to make sure both terrorist supporting leaders stay in the same place while we ready our launch of cruise missiles. To be fair, we will call them 30 seconds before impact and give them plenty of time to get out.
2. Take off any and all restrictions on the U.S. military in Iraq. Let them do their job without fear of liberals whining and crying about something. Send in another 50,000 troops and clear out Baghdad.
3. Invite Al-Sadr for tea, and execute him publicly. If his "followers" want to retaliate then they will suffer the same fate.
4. Any incoming trucks or cars coming from Iran will immediately become target practice for American helicopters. Give the pilots a $100 for each one they take out. Give the Iraqi military $500 for each they take out on the ground.
5. Divide Iraq and lets the Kurds have their own country.
6. Call for a Middle East Summit and unveil a new "marketing" campaign in the Middle East. The new slogan will be on a huge white billboard with bold, black lettering. It will be unveiled at the Summit and will say the following......."Israel exists! Get over it and stop blowing people up because of your backward, barbaric ideology".
7. Perform strict negotiations, and demand that Iran cease all nuclear activities. They will have one week to respond then let our stealth bombers take their pick of which plant they want to take out.
8. Offer free plane tickets for whiny liberals who will get "offended" by our offense in Iraq and in the war on terror. Each one will get one plane ticket to the islamic country of their choice to live for one year, and then they must return and write a report on how much they love the United States.
Well that's it folks. You can guarantee that by following these steps we will win in Iraq and the great war on terror.
