Months later...
from 
JoeUser Forums
JoeUser Forums
So much has changed, and so much has stayed the same. I'm sitting here reflecting on old blogs, where I was then, better yet-- WHO I was then, how far I've come, and how much I've grown.
I left Jeff and our apartment at the beginning of last month, I believe. Time is blurry. We got to the point where we couldn't live together anymore. I spoke about killing myself, although never intending to. I even thought about killing him. If I hadn't left, I don't know what would have happened, but I'm sure it would not have been pretty. It's hard to look back on who I became while living with him. It hurts thinking about what I dealt with, and how warped my mind was. I never thought I would get so low. I never saw it coming.
I'm staying with my mom now. I was terrified to do it, but it has actually turned out to be less torture than I had envisioned. When I got here, she had all the power, and I had all the pain. Now things have changed drastically, and I have learned how to deal with her for the first time in my life. I have taken back the control she thought she had over me. And we are starting to have a healthier relationship because of it. I'm so proud. She is unemployed, not looking for work, & asking me to sell her stuff on ebay and craigslist.org (it's been a great opportunity for me to see what an awesome negotiator I am... woot!). She is being asked to leave her house by June 1st-- My uncle, the owner, just lost his big business, and can't afford to rent it out for less than it's worth anymore. AND, her boyfriend found out that he COULD indeed marry her without loosing his dead wife’s benefits. SO- What I thought would be a huge mistake (moving back in), has turned out to be only a temporary solution (YAY), and I won't feel ungrateful or guilty when I leave home again. Question is: Where do I go? And what do I do NOW?
I am STILL unemployed, only now I really do want a job. I used to resent Jeff for wanting me to go back to work. I know I was just lazy then, and now I am actually excited about going back to work. Problem is, I can't get hired to save my freakin life! I'm sending out resumes like crazy, and not getting any response. I guess I'm not the only one with this problem, so I have no right to complain... but I never thought it would happen to me. (Excuse me while I throw myself a pity party)
--- I will find a job. A good one. One that pays well and that I will enjoy as much as possible. If you're reading this now, please telepathically send me some encouraging thoughts!
.................................Thank you.
Jeff and I are still talking. We still love each other, and I think we both wish that we could fix all our problems instantly. If you've read any of my last posts, you'll understand this. I just can't live with the man! He lies to my face! He swears up and down that he's telling the truth. He swears on his life, on the relationship, and even on HIS PARENTS lives.... and all the while, I hold proof of his lies in my hands. Now, I know that everyone has problems. I know that I am fucked up too. There are incidents in his childhood that were damaging and he still feels like he did then about a lot of things. News flash: Everyone has issues. Everyone is dealing with them! Not everyone is dishonest and disrespectful.
I love him. And I have no idea what our future will hold, but I can tell you this-- I am a different person than I was five minutes ago, and certainly a hell of a lot different than 2 months ago. I've been reading, learning, attending co-dependents anonymous meetings, growing, changing, quitting smoking, exercising, feeling better and better about myself, growing stronger, and becoming healthier than ever in mind, body, and spirit. I will not continue to live my life the way I have with him. I have taken a step up out of the depression and disease of our relationship, and I refuse to be pulled back down.
Life is great. I really have nothing to be happy about in particular, but I am happy. Figure that one out... I have so much to be grateful for. I truly am blessed, and I am so optimistic about my future. I'm proud of the progress I've made, and realistic about how much more there is to work on.
I started thinking about other men. hehe... Isn't that GREAT? I guess that doesn't make sense if you haven't lived my life, but I think it's the coolest thing since sliced bread. Imagine: living, and barely surviving emotionally for SO long, just focusing on my life with one man, and not being treated like a human for at least half of that time, being lied to and deceived, feeling like a FOOL for not RUNNING away, wanting to just BE with him more than wanting to take care of myself, seeing the truth and living the lies, knowing that I would be better off without him and just not being able to even imagine myself moving on...
Now, I've got a crush on a couple guys, and I think that's pretty groovy.
---Stepped away from the computer to visit with my mother, and lost my train of thought---
Ok. I'll finish up now, but I want to leave you with this, in case someone is peeking...
I am inspired by random thoughts...
I want to make something beautiful happen. I will tell you something wonderful. I want to be someone who makes a difference for the better.
Blessed be.
I left Jeff and our apartment at the beginning of last month, I believe. Time is blurry. We got to the point where we couldn't live together anymore. I spoke about killing myself, although never intending to. I even thought about killing him. If I hadn't left, I don't know what would have happened, but I'm sure it would not have been pretty. It's hard to look back on who I became while living with him. It hurts thinking about what I dealt with, and how warped my mind was. I never thought I would get so low. I never saw it coming.
I'm staying with my mom now. I was terrified to do it, but it has actually turned out to be less torture than I had envisioned. When I got here, she had all the power, and I had all the pain. Now things have changed drastically, and I have learned how to deal with her for the first time in my life. I have taken back the control she thought she had over me. And we are starting to have a healthier relationship because of it. I'm so proud. She is unemployed, not looking for work, & asking me to sell her stuff on ebay and craigslist.org (it's been a great opportunity for me to see what an awesome negotiator I am... woot!). She is being asked to leave her house by June 1st-- My uncle, the owner, just lost his big business, and can't afford to rent it out for less than it's worth anymore. AND, her boyfriend found out that he COULD indeed marry her without loosing his dead wife’s benefits. SO- What I thought would be a huge mistake (moving back in), has turned out to be only a temporary solution (YAY), and I won't feel ungrateful or guilty when I leave home again. Question is: Where do I go? And what do I do NOW?
I am STILL unemployed, only now I really do want a job. I used to resent Jeff for wanting me to go back to work. I know I was just lazy then, and now I am actually excited about going back to work. Problem is, I can't get hired to save my freakin life! I'm sending out resumes like crazy, and not getting any response. I guess I'm not the only one with this problem, so I have no right to complain... but I never thought it would happen to me. (Excuse me while I throw myself a pity party)
--- I will find a job. A good one. One that pays well and that I will enjoy as much as possible. If you're reading this now, please telepathically send me some encouraging thoughts!
.................................Thank you.Jeff and I are still talking. We still love each other, and I think we both wish that we could fix all our problems instantly. If you've read any of my last posts, you'll understand this. I just can't live with the man! He lies to my face! He swears up and down that he's telling the truth. He swears on his life, on the relationship, and even on HIS PARENTS lives.... and all the while, I hold proof of his lies in my hands. Now, I know that everyone has problems. I know that I am fucked up too. There are incidents in his childhood that were damaging and he still feels like he did then about a lot of things. News flash: Everyone has issues. Everyone is dealing with them! Not everyone is dishonest and disrespectful.
I love him. And I have no idea what our future will hold, but I can tell you this-- I am a different person than I was five minutes ago, and certainly a hell of a lot different than 2 months ago. I've been reading, learning, attending co-dependents anonymous meetings, growing, changing, quitting smoking, exercising, feeling better and better about myself, growing stronger, and becoming healthier than ever in mind, body, and spirit. I will not continue to live my life the way I have with him. I have taken a step up out of the depression and disease of our relationship, and I refuse to be pulled back down.
Life is great. I really have nothing to be happy about in particular, but I am happy. Figure that one out... I have so much to be grateful for. I truly am blessed, and I am so optimistic about my future. I'm proud of the progress I've made, and realistic about how much more there is to work on.
I started thinking about other men. hehe... Isn't that GREAT? I guess that doesn't make sense if you haven't lived my life, but I think it's the coolest thing since sliced bread. Imagine: living, and barely surviving emotionally for SO long, just focusing on my life with one man, and not being treated like a human for at least half of that time, being lied to and deceived, feeling like a FOOL for not RUNNING away, wanting to just BE with him more than wanting to take care of myself, seeing the truth and living the lies, knowing that I would be better off without him and just not being able to even imagine myself moving on...
Now, I've got a crush on a couple guys, and I think that's pretty groovy.
---Stepped away from the computer to visit with my mother, and lost my train of thought---
Ok. I'll finish up now, but I want to leave you with this, in case someone is peeking...
I am inspired by random thoughts...
I want to make something beautiful happen. I will tell you something wonderful. I want to be someone who makes a difference for the better.
Blessed be.