Fighting with your Partner

I tend to agree with you, Elie. That's why when one gets hyper-pissed one needs to control one's self. Come hang out with me in the jail sometime and you'll get the hang of it real quick.

I'm in the latter.

I have a bad temper/anger issue, and am going to counseling to deal with it, among other issues. Other than that, i'm usually laid back and easy going. I just tend to bottle things up.

Anywho, you're probably going to sleep cause of my "life story."



Peace, and be well.

~Lucas

(Citizen)ShovelheatSeptember 28, 2006 11:03:11Reply

I tend to agree with you, Elie. That's why when one gets hyper-pissed one needs to control one's self. Come hang out with me in the jail sometime and you'll get the hang of it real quick.

In the early years of recovery I went to jail meetings joe, trying to give hope to those already in deep shit, so I already know.

I try my best to never lose my temper with colleen, because I know what kinds of things I do when pissed.

(Citizen)SilentPoetSeptember 28, 2006 11:04:08

I'm in the latter. I have a bad temper/anger issue, and am going to counseling to deal with it, among other issues. Other than that, i'm usually laid back and easy going. I just tend to bottle things up.

I think it's better to get things out in the open, WITHOUT ALL THE SCREAMING AND FINGER POINTING.

Sometimes when I am angry I will say something ugly and make it sound like a big deal, when in real life it isn't.

For example, (and I am using a silly one here) if I want to get nasty I can throw how loud my husband crunches his cereal in his face even though his mouth is closed...he is just a loud cruncher. Most of the time it doesn't bother me. But there are a few days of the month when it just GRATES.

So I might say something ugly about that during a spat, but I don't really mean it all the time. I mean it in that second, but then the rest of the time I don't give a rip about crunching. (Unless of course we are watching a movie, then all bets are off! heh.)

I tend to say what I think so I really don't have any hidden ammo when we fight. And my husband is a gentleman, and even when we spat, he has never said anything ugly toward me, like calling me names, or saying something really hurtful.

That sounds really Pollyanna doesn't it? Heh. Oh well, that's just how it is. He was brought up right I guess. He'd never complain about my crunching!

I'm mostly of the school that fights are really about something else not the topic of the fight.

Often, a fight is based on the final straw-- a build up of some problem that has been going on; or it's about the fact that a person can't really express the frustration they feel.

Kinda like Tova's crunching complaints!
Tova... I totally understand the crunching thing (especially if it's not about the crunching )

I think it's better to get things out in the open, WITHOUT ALL THE SCREAMING AND FINGER POINTING.

heh, ya...I agree.

I tend to agree with you Elie, but I also try hard to forget past peeves as they call that stamp collecting.  And is never fruitful.

That sounds really Pollyanna doesn't it? Heh. Oh well, that's just how it is. He was brought up right I guess. He'd never complain about my crunching!

Reply By: Tova7Posted: Thursday, September 28, 2006

 

nope not at all sounds like you guys have your fighting skills honed, how to fight or argue without injuring. good stuff that!!

Reply By: momijikiPosted: Thursday, September 28, 2006 I'm mostly of the school that fights are really about something else not the topic of the fight. Often, a fight is based on the final straw-- a build up of some problem that has been going on; or it's about the fact that a person can't really express the frustration they feel.

Intresting, so you sit on feelings till they boil over? I cannot do that because the final straw turns into something very ugly, so I air stuff out as it happens, calmly.

that words are said that are not the truth, just put out there to hurt.

This is what I think. Whilst some home truths may come out, I think most of them are put out there to inflict as much hurt as possible.

Momijiki has the right way of doing things, as it happens clear the air, don't sit on anger and let it stew as it beocmes distorted and ugly.....however few are like that! sadly!

(Citizen)jennifer1September 28, 2006 12:45:39

Momijiki has the right way of doing things, as it happens clear the air, don't sit on anger and let it stew as it beocmes distorted and ugly.....however few are like that! sadly!

BESIDES having a nasty temper I tend to brood about things till I explode, I learned over the years to not allow things to stew with me, seems to work just fine, Colleen is the same way and she had to learn to get it our because it is really like drinking poison, holding back feelings that is.

I think most people, when arguing with someone they are close to, say "shocking" things in the heat of the moment in order to maximize the emotional impact. There may be the tiniest seed of truth to it, but it gets blown all out of proportion in order to be most hurtful. (Tova's example is good, but I think it's just as common with things that are truly hurtful and not just day-to-day annoyances)

It took me a LOOOOOOONG time to learn not to do this, although I'm sure I'm not completely cured of it.

Once you say something, though, you can't take it back. It's there for eternity. That's important to remember.

Once you say something, though, you can't take it back. It's there for eternity. That's important to remember.

That's exactly it, Tex. After you have made up and decide you want to stay together those hurtful comments keep haunting you. They are never forgotten.

(Citizen)Texas WahineSeptember 28, 2006 13:20:30

Once you say something, though, you can't take it back. It's there for eternity. That's important to remember.

I have always felt that words spoken in the heat of anger with the intent to inflict pain is much much crueler and vicious than hitting. Not that I have every hit, pulled, pushed, grabbed a woman in anger.

LocamamaSeptember 28, 2006 13:30:15

Once you say something, though, you can't take it back. It's there for eternity. That's important to remember. That's exactly it, Tex. After you have made up and decide you want to stay together those hurtful comments keep haunting you. They are never forgotten.

I was told that "is winning an arguement worth destroying your ol lady" I answered yes, hell yes, because I was still very angry, then I thought about it, and never did that again. Both Colleen and I have some smart mouths on us so we never use them against each other. anymore.

I'm gonna have to sit on the fence for this one.  I think there are times when either approach is in use, perhaps both at the same time.

When people fight they tend to drop to the base instincts and resort to some of their worst behavior.  With that said I don't think all of the things said in those arguments are based in truths.  Sometimes certainly, but not always.

It is ashamed that people will get down and dirty in arguments though, and it can take quite a while to repair the damage that can be done in just a few seconds or minutes worth of arguing.  Sometimes it may help bring issues out that needed to be resolved, but it's still far better to talk about things with calm and rational heads prevailing than to take things to the next level and be screaming at each other in heated arguments.

(Citizen)terpfan1980September 28, 2006 15:14:07

Sometimes it may help bring issues out that needed to be resolved, but it's still far better to talk about things with calm and rational heads prevailing than to take things to the next level and be screaming at each other in heated arguments.

when someone screams at me, I hear nothing but NOISE, not a single word of WORTH gets through. I assume that when I am screaming at someone, it is the same for them.
As I have aged I have learned that quiet talk works because the person you are talking quietly to has to pay attention.

Once you say something, though, you can't take it back. It's there for eternity. That's important to remember.

so true. the hurt lays buried deep too.

Once you say something, though, you can't take it back. It's there for eternity. That's important to remember.

So very true.

I am not one to bite my tongue when I have something that needs to be said to my husband. I have tried to hold it in at times especially when I can tell it is going to lead into a arguement.

I have never been able to play the role of ''I'm so happy'' when I'm not. I just can't pull it off. I'd end up snappin' at innocent people all day. Not to mention the stress you go through by stewing over something for hours or longer. It's not healthy.

While I can't say that I have NEVER said anything just to hurt him, for the most part, most of what I say is really how I am feeling.

While there definately are some exceptions, I would have to say for me that my true feeling come out when I'm angry.

(Citizen)jennifer1September 28, 2006 16:12:11

Once you say something, though, you can't take it back. It's there for eternity. That's important to remember. so true. the hurt lays buried deep too.

yet when this lesson is "LEARNED" some of us repeat the mistake over and over.

I had to wait till I was almost 50 before I got how bad words hurt your loved one.

(Citizen)SeriousKissSeptember 28, 2006 16:38:58

nice to "meet" you, welcome to my blog.

have never been able to play the role of ''I'm so happy'' when I'm not. I just can't pull it off. I'd end up snappin' at innocent people all day. Not to mention the stress you go through by stewing over something for hours or longer. It's not healthy.

totally agreed.

While there definately are some exceptions, I would have to say for me that my true feeling come out when I'm angry.

and this would be a good reason to sit quietly and work out what is bothering you. That's what I do, work it out before it has a chance to get ugly inside.

It's funny how a bit of aging helps in this department. When I was younger I had quite the temper but only if I felt I wasn't being heard or understood by my husband. It would infuriate me if he would laugh at the inappropriate time. So the frustration level would reach quite the high and anything remotely close would get flung. It only happened a few times. The last time I did this was it for me. I flung a spoon at my husband and since my shot is terrible (I couldn't hit the side of a barn with a tennis ball three feet away)I ended up chipping my brand new countertop right in the middle of our brand new bar. Right in the middle! I took that as my consequence and never threw another darn thing.

While we have our little spats now and then it's nothing like it was when we were younger. It's too much work and who needs the stress? The way I look at it now is there is enough stress in the outside world. I don't need to create some here inside my place of comfort. My hubby still likes to call me a spitfire but I think there's more spit than fire nowadays. Now it's only my eyes that do the flashing. My hands stay to myself...  

Citizen)KFC (Kickin For Christ

My hubby still likes to call me a spitfire but I think there's more spit than fire nowadays. Now it's only my eyes that do the flashing. My hands stay to myself...

the eyes can say much more than mere words. that cannot keep your husband happy btw, keeping your hands to yourself. eh eh eh eh eh {dirty old man laugh}

I'm from the if they voted for Bush, beat the shit out of them.