Thoughts on Deploying Husbands

Hmm, I wrote that just moments before reading Tova's article ROAD TRIP!

Looks like we've got similar feelings and reactions to the Absent Husband

My wife used to do just that...

During our time on active duty she would head for home, sometimes a week, sometimes a month or so.

Yeah, she would take the kids, but when she went home, the kids were surrounded by their teenage aunts and uncles, so she usually only saw as much of the kids as she wanted during the days.

I think the military spouse (or other spouse left home most the time) getting away from it all for awhile is a great idea! For that matter, I think people should be able to get away without their spouses even if the couple are together most nights... maybe even ESPECIALLY when the couple are together most nights. ;~D

Ahh Ted it's nice to see someone else up in the middle of the night   

getting away from it all for awhile is a great idea!

So it's not such a radical idea? Great!

Yeah, she would take the kids,

Yeah...but I WOULDN'T.

It is tough on the spouses.  I dont envy their jobs when the other deploys.

Luckily he's Air Force so that means a mere 4 months of separation. Last time he left it was only for 3 months before the AF turned it into a 4 month stint.

My husband is an AF cop.  They used to deploy for 6 months at a time.  Now they deploy for 8 months at a time.  In the next 18 months, that 8 months will be stretched into a year. 

They don't deploy once every 3 or 4 years.  Right now it's home for 4 or 5 months, gone for another 8.  When we go to year long deployments, it'll be home for 6, gone for a year.  That's a brutal schedule, and we're seeing the retainability rate drop because people simply cannot handle it.

I'm not making light of your husband's deployment schedule, AM.  I'm just saying that it's not like that for ALL AF personnel.

You should be ashamed of yourself, AM. Speaking as an AF wife myself, I am telling you our husbands need our support and love all the time - without 4 month vacations. Do you think it's any easier on HIM to be away from home and the people he loves? You are speaking very selfishly by making it sound like a retreat for him. Remember, you are at least in familliar surroundings, safe b/c he is fighting and working hard for you to be there. He does not have that luxury. Sure, it's hard to stay at home with the kids all the time with no reprive- I'm not downplaying that at all - but can you imagine how much harder it is to be torn away from them for that long? You are not a single parent, you are the wife of a loving man who is earning a hard living for his family. Surely you entered this marriage knowing what the life of a military spouse entails? Try not to be so selfish and appreciate your husband for the huge sacrifices he's making for his FAMILY and country.

They don't deploy once every 3 or 4 years. Right now it's home for 4 or 5 months, gone for another 8. When we go to year long deployments, it'll be home for 6, gone for a year. That's a brutal schedule, and we're seeing the retainability rate drop because people simply cannot handle it.

That's true we're among the fortunate few who get to spend the bulk of our time together (so far). I guess I was making a comparison between Army & Air Force, but forgot to mention that. But it's still no fun when we're apart. Some women cope well when their husbands are gone. I for one am a weak pansy. I do not cope well. My hat goes off to the strong ladies out there. I suspect you & Brandie are among the strong ladies.



Anonymous lady, why don't you sign in, eh?



Yes everything you say is true. I'm still entitled to express my feelings on the matter.



My bottom line here is that it's no fun being apart, and it's ESPECIALLY hard for me to be alone with the child(ren).



He's an awesome daddy. You should see him It will crush us to see him go. But I hope it's not anytime soon.

Angela, I think it depends on the man and the deployment.

For some guys it IS like getting away from it all. For other guys, it's torture every waking moment for a year or LONGER (Army has some guys out of Alaska who were just extended to a YEAR AND A HALF deployment).

And depending on the location and the mission, for some guys it's nothing but WORK, STRESS, and FEAR.

My family's Army experience has gone like this: apart for BCT & AIT, together for 8 mo at new duty station, apart for 11 months (OEF), together for 13 mo, apart for 1 mo (NTC), together for 2 mo, apart for 12 mo (OIF, we're one month into this one). And we've been LUCKY. Many Army families are coping with even more frequent separations.

Right now word is that when my husband gets home he'll have 10 mo. before he goes back for OEF for a year.

I need and cherish my husband every bit as much as you do yours (BTW, it's really nice to read your positive attitude about your husband. I know that things were rough for a while, and it's great that things are working out for your family).

I don't resent HIM for his absence, though. He's doing his job and providing for me, our boys, and the baby girl growing inside me. I can't describe the pain I feel inside EVERY DAY because I miss him...because I'm terrified for him...because of what HE'S missing.

You mentioned on one of my blogs that my attitude had changed and chalked it up to hormones or some such and that your pregnancy had made you happy and sunshine-y and all that jazz.

It's not hormones, babe. It's life. Try living in my world and then see how sunny you feel. Yes, I'm overjoyed about my pregnancy. I love my children. I love my husband. I'm happy to be living where I am. There are many reasons for me to be happy. It's not easy to focus on those things, though, when you go to bed and wake up alone and when you have need for a maternity funeral dress.

I'm not trying to scold you. I just want you to realize that not everyone has the luxuries you do. It's great that everything is coming up roses for you. I mean that. Not everyone is living that same experience, though.

Hmm, thanks for your comment Tex. I confess that I was in a flippant mood when I wrote that article, but then it hung heavily over my head the rest of the day. It really is a heavy subject.

You do amaze me Brandie. Your strength, or at least your silence on the matter so far is admirable, especially since you are a very vocal person. (Silence is often wisdom. Or as you said in your last article, sometimes you don't feel like saying much. That's perfectly understandable.)

I've been concerned & interested to know how you're coping with your husband's deployment, apart from resolutely standing by him and our country he's serving. So when you said "you go to bed and wake up alone and when you have need for a maternity funeral dress," it brought tears to my eyes.

That's a powerful visual, but please don't worry yourself about that now. Take comfort that more soldiers return home intact and healthy than otherwise. It is a heavy matter. Stay strong.

Kudos to you for not letting hormones run your life. Wish I could figure out how to tell the difference between my hormones, brain, or simply the vicissitudes of life. Your outlook on life is darn near closest to what I'd call ideal. So when life throws you a bunch of stuff all at once, like right now, you're still as reasonable as ever. You're still the sunshiny, intelligent lady we've all come to know & love.

(((((Brandie)))))

I think it sounds like a great idea. Let's see how Daddy likes it, eh?

Hehehehe! Picture it!

Angel a nice bright upbeat article, it brought a smile to my face.

I read the article as it was written - a bit tongue in cheek.

You should be ashamed of yourself, AM. Speaking as an AF wife myself, I am telling you our husbands need our support and love all the time - without 4 month vacations. Do you think it's any easier on HIM to be away from home and the people he loves? You are speaking very selfishly by making it sound like a retreat for him. Remember, you are at least in familliar surroundings, safe b/c he is fighting and working hard for you to be there. He does not have that luxury. Sure, it's hard to stay at home with the kids all the time with no reprive- I'm not downplaying that at all - but can you imagine how much harder it is to be torn away from them for that long? You are not a single parent, you are the wife of a loving man who is earning a hard living for his family. Surely you entered this marriage knowing what the life of a military spouse entails? Try not to be so selfish and appreciate your husband for the huge sacrifices he's making for his FAMILY and country.

The article was not a rant or even remotely serious, stop being so serious about it and if you are going to be so serious, then at least sign in so we know who you are.

I don't resent HIM for his absence, though. He's doing his job and providing for me, our boys, and the baby girl growing inside me. I can't describe the pain I feel inside EVERY DAY because I miss him...because I'm terrified for him...because of what HE'S missing.

It must be very hard for you Texas being apart for 11 months whew, hard! I could never cope under those conditions. Keep holding it together. *sending you love,light and peace*

Angela, it's ok to feel resentful of him for having to be gone. cripes, if I had a buck for every time I felt like dave was getting the easy end of the bargain by being deployed....well, i could afford to take me and my kids to england to stay with mum instead of being home alone the next time dave deploys. the grass is always, greener, you know?

for the record, i DON'T think it's easier to be deployed OR home with the kids. I think that each situation has it's own unique problems and that if I had a choice I'd rather do neither of them. However, I don't have much of a chopice, and for the next 2 years, neither does he. he COULD get out then....but it would be financial and career-suicide to walk away then, so we'll stay in and pray that he doesn't get mortared, shot, blown up or otherwise harmed on the next tour.

I liked your article Angela.

I think its important to have "me" time no matter how "selfish" that sounds. My road trip was fantastic and it gave my husband much needed alone time with his children. (Of course not a lick of housework was done, but oh well!)

It's always good to get away for awhile.....it helps daddy remember everything you do all day and not take it for granted.

In my marriage, my husband insists I take little mini vacations a few times a year. He loves to "give" me the time and I love to take it! heh.

Deployments suck. Around here the Air Force guys are going for one year on their AEF's, at least the AF guys I know. They say its for continuity in their particular field.

I think its totally normal to get aggravated when your husband is away. It seems like every time I've ever truly needed my husband he's been gone. Most days that is ok and I deal, but some days it sucks and I bitch.

Then life goes on.