Breath biscuits and unfortunate side effects

from JoeUser Forums

Our dogs have doggy breath from time to time.  I don't mind it, but Dave complains and occasionally retches when Grace gets up in his face and breathes on him.

So I, being the good wife that I am, decided that I'd look for some doggy breath biscuits the next time I had cause to go to the store.

I found some in Wal-Mart that I thought would be pretty good - Pedigree brand ones with eucalyptus and parsley and even a little charcoal in there for good measure.  I brought them proudly home to show Dave, and we broke open the package and dished them out to the dogs.

Grace eats them up, but Henry won't eat them.  Then again, Grace eats anything and Henry eats cat shit, so it's no great surprise.  Anyway, they work on the breath - Grace hasn't got minty fresh breath, but her breath is a damn sight better than it was.  We patted ourselves on the back and congratulated each other on a problem well solved.

Until the other morning.  The biscuits take care of breath, yeah.....but they have an unfortunate side effect.

Gas.  Horrible, nasty, stinky gas.  Dog farts don't ever smell nice, I know, but these are something else.  They are truly awful.  Gawd awful, in fact...no, they're worse than gawd awful, but I don't know what the next level of awfulness is called so.  They make me gag.  ME.  I don't gag easily....in fact, I was the one who got tasked with cleaning Henry up afte he'd rolled in liquifying mole because everyone else was gagging too hard to do it.  I did it without retching once, but these farts.....they make me gag.  I smell them, gag, get up, gag, walk away, gag again.  They are truly the worst smell I've ever smelt.  Because the biscuits have charcoal in them, there's a slightly burnt odor to them - it reminds me of bags of flaming doggy doo after the recipients have stomped them out. They're 'sticky' farts too; the kind that adhere to fabric and carpeting  (and their owner's rear end) and hang in the air for a long time after their original emission.  Truly, truly, TRULY gross.

Grace has slept in her kennel for the past 2 nights because we simply cannot tolerate her sleeping on the bed.  I haven't fed her any more biscuits since yesterday afternoon, so hopefully these noxious emissions will taper off soon.  It kind of sucks that it's so hot outside, or else I'd have all the windows open all day so that I could air the house out.  As it is, I'm just opening the windows at at night when it's cooled off.

I'm never, ever feeding our boxer a Pedigree breath biscuit again.  Ever. 

I'd rather deal with the bad doggy breath.

9,714 views 9 replies
Reply #1 from JoeUser Forums Top
goes to show yer it's just a plot, no matter what we do we cannot win,, BTW I will match Simon's cat farts anytime. he might be small and hairy but his farts could be declared a weapon of mass destruction. When he farts, colleen and I scream ahhhhh cat fart and we hit the floor trying to get to some fart free air.
Reply #2 from JoeUser Forums Top
I really enjoyed this article Dharma. I was laughing out loud.

I wonder if I will ever be too old to get a grand chuckle out of a fart story.

And gagging is one of those things that just makes me burst into hysterical laughter. I am not sure why, but when I see someone gagging (not choking!) like in a resteraunt or really anywhere....I burst out laughing.

I am sure it wasn't pleasant to live with,,,,but it sure made my day.
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Reply #3 from JoeUser Forums Top

The muse is back!  !

I am sorry, but I have tears rolling down my eyes.  I know it is stinky, but you made it so funny!  Thank you!

BTW.  Hark back to the Henry and dead carcass episode. Here is why he did it.

One peculiar behavior of dachshunds is that they often roll around in odiferous things when they encounter them. This odd habit has been attributed to the dog's hunting instinct. Doing this is the dachshund's attempt to "lose its scent" so that its potential prey cannot smell it.

Thought you would want to know.

And thanks again for a clean fart joke?

Reply #4 from JoeUser Forums Top
he might be small and hairy but his farts could be declared a weapon of mass destruction. When he farts, colleen and I scream ahhhhh cat fart and we hit the floor trying to get to some fart free air.


It's a plot, I tells ya. They're in cahoots; they're going to take over the world by disarming us with their noxious gases.


I really enjoyed this article Dharma. I was laughing out loud.

I wonder if I will ever be too old to get a grand chuckle out of a fart story

Good, I'm glad you laughed. I laughed too whilst I was writing it and reading it afterwards...


I am sorry, but I have tears rolling down my eyes. I know it is stinky, but you made it so funny


Thank you! I'm glad that you enjoyed it!
Reply #5 from JoeUser Forums Top
Uh, just to confirm, if there was ever a chance of coming to visit Dharma-land, I think it was just completely killed.

Giving dogs gas should be illegal -- unless you have nasty neighbors, in which case giving the neighbor's dog(s) gas would be proper pay back


Sad story. Funny, but sad. Perhaps Dharma now needs to start feeding the dogs lactose-intolerant pills or some other item along with the breath biscuits -- something that would take the gas away?
Reply #6 from JoeUser Forums Top
I hope your dog has a fast recovery. When I started reading your story, I thought "hey, I should go get some of that stuff for Bingo. He has stinky dog breath too." Then as I kept reading I realized that is exactly what I shouldn't do. Thanks for the public service announcement.

If you can't open the windows at least light a few candles. For me it is the worst to walk in my house and wonder what stinks? ugh. Oh and febreeze, febreeze, febreeze.
Reply #7 from JoeUser Forums Top

This reminds me of a friend I had in Delaware.

She had a beautiful home, guarded by the biggest dog I've ever seen...but he was gentle.

She invited me over for brunch, and as we sat at her perfectly set table sipping coffee out of fine porcelain cups and chatting...her big fat dog was laying under the table passing big loud farts that stank so bad I almost gagged!

I watched her for any sign of recognition toward the god awful explosions under the table, but I guess she was used to it because she never even smiled.  Finally I said something like "GAW!  Do you feel better?"  (Talking to the dog, who licked my shoe).  She was oblivious.

I've never been around dogs so didn't ever think they might have gas....at the table!

Barbaric.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Reply #8 from JoeUser Forums Top
Eeeeeewwwww. Save the buiscuts to "share" with the dogs of people you don't like.
Reply #9 from JoeUser Forums Top
Eeeeeewwwww. Save the buiscuts to "share" with the dogs of people you don't like.