Are thank you notes a relic of the past? Should they be?

from JoeUser Forums
This article comes from a few different inspirations, the most recent being the coming (high school) graduation of my son.

In my long lost youth there were what some would call very tacky traditions. Traditions such as events like high school graduations warranting mailing out a batch of announcements to friends and relatives, mostly in the expectation that those friends and relatives would wind up sending along a gift of congratulations.

In exchange for those gifts, or for any others, such as wedding presents, birthday presents, Christmas or other holiday presents, house warming gifts, etc., there used to be an expectation that the person giving the present would receive a thank you note for their generousity. Heck, not so much an expectation as an obligation in some circles.

For example, shortly after my wife and I married, I got a Christmas gift from her Uncle. I don't recall what it was, but I'm sure it was something nice, small, not very expensive, but nice nonetheless.

Unfortunately, I was never one to understand tradition, or even to worry about keeping up with it. I would say my thank you personally, and I'm sure I did that at the time. I'm not an ingrateful little bastage or anything of the sort, and yet.... as the next Christmas rolled around, I found that I was snubbed from the Uncle. Apparently because I had commited the etiquette faux pas of failing to send out an official thank you note.

Flash forward a few years and during the intervening periods you'd find that I tend to read the adventures of the great masses and their questions of advice columnists such as Dear Abby, Ann Landers, and other similar figures. Every so often there'd someone (normally a grandmother, Aunt, Uncle or older generation individual) that would write in complaining about how some ungrateful individual had received a gift and hadn't shown any appreciation of it, which would lead to cutting off that individual and perhaps words from the advice givers that cutting off such rude people was the right answer.

What I couldn't understand then, and still don't now (hence this article) is why the absolute need to receive acknowledgement of a specific gift? Why are Thank you notes and cards so important to some. I know it's a bit generational, but I don't get it. Is not a big hug, a nice hand shake, a verbal thank you very much, or perhaps several combinations of the same things over the course of an evening, over the course of a phone call, or similar communication enough?

To me the rudeness is on the side of the gift giver and their expectation that they must receive acknowledgement back for the gifts they gave.

In the cases documented in the advice columns, you have people complaining that "I can see the check was cashed as it was signed by ..xxxxx..., so I know they got it." So, it's obvious that the recipient got the gift, it's obvious that it was used, and yet because there was no signed note to say thanks, there's the need to complain about it, and even to be considering or actually cutting off further gifts from that individual to the recipient.

Honestly, I don't know what my son will wind up doing. He's a bright boy, but a bit, well, I'll use the term scatter-brained. Others (like my wife) would use terms like "ADHD." I'm sure I contributed to that, and I'm very sure my wife did as well. The poor boy is doubly cursed in that area, that's a given.

Of one thing I'm sure, he won't have to worry about my wife's Uncle at all, as he long ago went to a special assisted living facility because of suicidal and homicidal actions. (Long story, no need to get involved here). On the other hand, I'm sure that my Grandmother, heck my mother, and my wife's parents as examples are probably going to expect some sort of Thank you card to be in the mail.

Have Thank you notes outlived their time? Maybe not for a few more years, but they sure seem to me be well past their shelf-life.
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Reply #1 from JoeUser Forums Top
I am awful at sending thank you notes. When I graduated from highschool the only reason they got sent was because my mother hounded me. At my baby shower's the only reason they got sent was because everyone filled out a self adressed envelope so all i had to do was sign the card. I think that thank you notes are a gesture that while is very nice, I don't feel that it is always nessecary especially on major gift holidays like Christmas.

I hope that with my son I will be able to instill in him when it is appropriate to send a thank you note and when it is not. HOpefully he'll be better at it than I am.
Charissa
Reply #2 from JoeUser Forums Top

Thank you notes aren't a generational thing,  or something that just older folks do.  Sending a note of thank you, to someone that took time and money gifting you, was and is a the right thing to do.

According to a book on ediquette I read a few months ago,  an email thank you isn't ok.  Thanking the person if they're there when you open the gift is sufficient.  If they've mailed you the gift,  then a card is in order.

And for the record,  I'm hanging my head right now cause I think I forgot to send a thank you card to dharma for the lovely gift she mailed me! 

It's up to us parents to teach, by example, to write thank you notes and we can help them pen the note if the child is too young to print.

It isn't about an expectation, it's protocol.  Ignoring someone who's sent you a gift leaves that person wondering if it arrived, and if it was liked.  A thank you note will never be "past it's shelf life"  

Elemental: Reforged
Reply #3 from JoeUser Forums Top
Trudy... said:
It isn't about an expectation, it's protocol. Ignoring someone who's sent you a gift leaves that person wondering if it arrived, and if it was liked. A thank you note will never be "past it's shelf life"


and also had said:
According to a book on ediquette I read a few months ago, an email thank you isn't ok. Thanking the person if they're there when you open the gift is sufficient. If they've mailed you the gift, then a card is in order.


to which I reply: but then what of the case of the Uncle, or the others whom I discussed in the original article? Those for which there's an expectation that a Thank you note is a requirement, even where there was a personal thank you at the time of recieving the gift/article??

As noted, there's times like I documented when someone has clearly been thanked in person and yet that person still feels there's been a snub if they don't get a Thank you note. If thanking them in person isn't sufficient, then WTH?!

I'm not certain that thank you notes will never be past their shelf life. Seriously, protocols have broken down and changed over time, and continuing to evolve. We are in a time when a younger generation communicates differently than we might be used to. Instant messaging, texting, constant cellular phone usage, people that look like the Borg from Star Trek fame with Bluetooth(tm) headsets semi-permanently affixed to their heads.

While people at a certain generational level are more familar with rules of protocol and etiquette, many others never even officially touch on the subject as they go through their K-12 years and move into adulthood.

Is it right that we should be losing these old rules and habits? I don't know. Should there be some room for improvement on both sides? Probably.
Reply #4 from JoeUser Forums Top
I must be very old then, when I get a gift I send thank you cards/. it seems proper.
Reply #5 from JoeUser Forums Top
I don't think it's a generational thing either--when I send something I appreciate some sort of acknowledgement (from the individual) that its arrived (that doesn't mean the returned check from the bank). Failure to acknowledge a gift is simply rude. Of course, I'm not picky, anything will do ("Got your package in the mail today, cheers!" works just fine for me).
Reply #6 from JoeUser Forums Top
I don't think it's necessary to send a written thank you if you recieved and thanked the gift giver in person. I think it is a nice gesture but shouldn't be "required". I do think that it's courteous to call or write if you recieve a package from someone.

That being said there are many times when I haven't gotten a note off and then time passes and you feel bad thanking them for something that you got a year ago. My neighbor gave us tickets to see the rangers last year. I had the best intentions of making her some cookies or zuchinni bread or buying her a plant to thank her. Somehow it never got done and now I feel like a jerk about it.

I think it's a good idea to write the note before you cash the check, use the item. That way it's a done deal. That's what I should make my boys do but I guess that's why there is the saying about the road to hell (or at least being removal from the gift giving list) being paved with good intentions.
Reply #7 from JoeUser Forums Top
to which I reply: but then what of the case of the Uncle, or the others whom I discussed in the original article? Those for which there's an expectation that a Thank you note is a requirement, even where there was a personal thank you at the time of recieving the gift/article??


It's my understanding that thanking the person, in person ( if you've opened the gift in front of them) is completely acceptable.
Perhaps this Uncle was taught differently, and if "hard feelings" between the family are to be avoided, then a thank you note with a brief apology for not sending it right away ( within a week) is appropriate and a small price to keep the ties that bind. Also it would prevent or hopefully settle hurt feelings.

While people at a certain generational level are more familar with rules of protocol and etiquette, many others never even officially touch on the subject as they go through their K-12 years and move into adulthood


You're totally right, many people never officially touch on the subject as they go through their K-12 years ( although I thought teachers as well as parents taught manners to children) and move into adulthood.
And that can be someone's undoing. Good manners are important to families, in the professional world, in dealing with landlords, neighbors, and each other ( meaning significant others).

A thank you ( IMHO) is more than protocol, it's showing the person that gave you a gift that you appreciate the time they took, the cost involved and that they're important enough to you to thank. Nuf said.
Reply #8 from JoeUser Forums Top
I think the emphasis on "thank you notes" is silly. All these rigid rules of etiquette are antiquated.

An expression of gratitude is best when it is sincere and heart-felt, and not perfunctory. And a gift should NOT be given with the expectation of kudos or some sort of return on investment.

Someone who gives a gift and then grumbles for not being appropriately appreciated is giving out of selfishness. Doesn't that go against the entire meaning behind gift-giving?
Reply #9 from JoeUser Forums Top
I would never cut someone off for not sending a thank-you. That being said, I know I appreciate receiving them so I try my best to always send them. I don't just send them for gifts though. I think it is even more important to send a thank-you note when someone took the time to visit or do you a favor. Heck, I even send thank-yous on occasion to let someone know I appreciate their friendship.

I think one nice thing about thank-you notes for big events like graduation, showers or weddings is that you let the gifter know that their gift just didn't become "something you got for your ___". It shows them that you took the time to connect the gift with the giver and appreciated it. My kids get so much for their birthdays that I make them do that very thing. It helps them remember, hey, grandma gave me that toy, I should thank her and take good care of it.

That's just my 2cents though.
Reply #10 from JoeUser Forums Top
And a gift should NOT be given with the expectation of kudos or some sort of return on investment.


I don't think that a "thank you" is a return on investment. However I do think that if someone takes the time to go out of their way to get your a gift or do you a favor, it's just plain rude not to acknowledge it. As I said before, I'm not fussy on how it's acknowledged (in person, in an email, on the phone, in a thank you note)--but to ignore it all together is the height of rudeness.

This is actually one of my buttons (see LW's article). I have lots of little cousins and they all expect gifts at Christmas and their birthdays. They expect me to take them to the movies or out for ice cream. Basically whenever they see me it's "I want, I want, I want." Now, I blame the parents for lack of manners--but I also blame the parents for not acknowledging the gifts either. If you get treated like a bank, somehow the joy of giving goes missing. I don't have children, and I have grown to dislike the idea that I work hard to subsides other people's kid's toy allocations--if it is expected that I give a gift on all these occassions, I expect to have them acknowledged.
Reply #11 from JoeUser Forums Top
I send them most of the time when I receive a gift....but there are times I forget.

I don't really mind if I get thank you notes or not. It doesn't bother me one way or another.

The older members of my extended family get down right hostile if they aren't thanked for gifts. I don't hold it against them. Most lived through hard economies and getting out to get a gift is a big deal. So I try to always remember to send a note.

I like Loca's idea...sending the thank you before using the gift! That will ensure I never forget.

I usually pick up a pack of thank you cards and leave them in my mail area...its easy to send them that way..right by the stamps and bills.
Reply #12 from JoeUser Forums Top
I don't think I explained myself well here. My apologies.

I don't mean to say that no one should express gratitude, only that the rigid rules that the older generation would like to hoist on us is outdated.

I don't think a thank you HAS to be a card/note. Further, I think if it IS a card or note, "Thanks!" with a signature is not really a true thank you, it's a token.

A true thank you would involve a personal message that included something about the gift, like, "I loved the suspenders you gave me! I put them on before I went to Taco Bell yesterday, and they did a great job of holding up my pants. I think I'll wear them everyday. Thanks so much!".

But I also think that expressing gratitude should be a flexible process with room for creativity and sincerity, not a rote exercise.

The receiver SHOULD show gratitude. The giver SHOULDN'T expect gratitude. Not everyone's going to agree with that, obviously, but high expectations for the receiver of a gift usually ends disappointingly for the gift giver.

PS- Shades, I agree that's it's messed up that your cousins haven't been taught to say thank you or to not subject you to the "gimmes". Haha, but since they're family, I think you have a right to reprimand them and let them know you're not their personal cash cow or toy store.
Reply #13 from JoeUser Forums Top
I don't think I explained myself well here. My apologies.


No worries, you expressed yourself quite nicely. The topic just gets under my skin.

I don't think we are really disagreeing. When I give a gift because I want to, I'm not phased if I don't receive a thank you. But when I've been forced into gift giving (like being invited to a neighbors graduation party, not because you are close, but because they want loot) then I feel they should be forced into thank you card writing. Mutual pain, I suppose.

Ok, I'm going to step down off this soap box and try to be rational for the rest of the afternoon
Reply #14 from JoeUser Forums Top

And a gift should NOT be given with the expectation of kudos or some sort of return on investment.


I don't think that a "thank you" is a return on investment. However I do think that if someone takes the time to go out of their way to get your a gift or do you a favor, it's just plain rude not to acknowledge it. As I said before, I'm not fussy on how it's acknowledged (in person, in an email, on the phone, in a thank you note)--but to ignore it all together is the height of rudeness.

I agree here completely.  One should not expect a thank you, for that is being a tad selfish.  But it is like the game of tag.  Not to acknowledge it is rude, and in itself selfish.  I am not offended if I do not receive a thank you, or acknowledgement ("I got your gift of the gross of condoms uncle Guy"), but then I know what to expect from that person in the future as well.

Reply #15 from JoeUser Forums Top
I agree here completely. One should not expect a thank you, for that is being a tad selfish


I don't think it's being selfish if one "expects" a thank you, I just think that person is setting themself up for a lot of dissapointment and bitterness if they "expect" to be thanked. I firmly believe that much older generations "expected" to be thanked because that was all they knew or were taught, probably they felt bad when they weren't thanked, and attributed that feeling to the person that didn't thank them, if they had been more enlightened they'd know that having those expectations was a sure fire way to be let down.

And I agree with you doc 100 % that it's rude if one doesn't say thank you in some form. Everyday commonsense good manners aren't difficult, which is a far cry from rigid rules. Tex is absolutely right on with using creativity, a written out form of thank you, describing the gift and how you'll use it, good ideas.

I never received nor did I expect to receive a thank you from my nephew for the wedding gift we sent him and his bride. I think my sister was extremely embarrassed and frustrated with him and the bride, they even had the thank-you notes all addressed for them and stamped.

I'd never send him anything again, mostly because he hasn't repaid my sister for all the money he borrowed from her, plus the embarassment she felt.
Reply #16 from JoeUser Forums Top
According to a book on ediquette I read a few months ago, an email thank you isn't ok.


Actually, that really depends upong the relationship between the two parties. In this day and age many people "know" each other only through electronic medium. In that case an email is appropriate.

This all goes back to the Victorian era when proper manners and behavior often defined who you were. These rules also developed long before electronic communication was even thought of. Personally, I wish more people would gravitate back to some of those social rules as people today tend to be extremely rude. I despise rudeness.

I always send some sort of "thank you" for a gift received, both in writing (email or otherwise) and in person when the opportunity presents itself. Not to do so is basically rude. There is something personal about a hand written note of thanks that says "I took the time and thought to sit down, write this, and post it to you".

I don't think, or least I sincerely hope not, that good manners will ever become a relic.